Saturday, November 28, 2009

Cowboys vs Indians

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody. Lisa I hope your Thanksgiving was terrible obviously. Being from Seattle, you probably woke up- went to a protest then came home to your tree house just in time to put the Tofurkey into the Ora Chamber. Sorry if that's not my cup of tea- I'm an American, Lisa. I like my turkey huge and my 2nd amendment intact.
*For the record I thought in honor of Thanksgiving we were going to debate Indians vs Pilgrims. I am very glad I that is not the case. Its hard to argue for intolerant white people. Glenn Beck I'm looking in your direction. (I don't actually know who Glenn Beck is, I just see on Facebook that people don't like him and wanted to seem cool)
Lisa is also part Native American so I have added inspiration to argue against them.
Enough Chit Chat- lets burn this wagon.
Cowboys vs Indians

The Case for Cowboys

West Gone Wild!

The Wild West was awesome. It was like Springbreak all year long. You ride horses, rob banks, drink out of jugs that say XXX, fight, then hang out with Saloon Girls. Sign me up for that fantasy camp. If they got bored they would just dual people. At high noon. You ever wonder why they dueled at NOON instead of at dawn? Because they were too hung over from the awesome night before to wake up before Noon. The piano player would even keep playing during a bar room brawl. You think that Cowboys had to sit in conference rooms at 3:45 on a Tuesday Afternoon to listen about important it is to be "proactive"?? No way man.


Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Cody, Woody, these are but a few Cowboy Legends. Here are some lesser known Cowboys, "Tumbleweed Douglass", "Lazy Susan", "Jasper the Indifferent", "Shootin' Blanks Sam", "Loud Vegan Carl", and Teddy Roosevelt.


No, I am not talking the riveting Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I'm talking about having a minor disagreement and risking your life over it. You said I cheated at cards? We'll lets shoot guns at each other- TOMORROW. Its the way men used to handle disputes. If you lived- you were right. It was the ultimate judge jury and executioner. Turns out Alexander Hamilton was wrong about whatever he thought was worth dying over.

Make it Work.

Cowboy Hat, Jeans, Boots. Its 2009 and millions of people still rock it. I don't see people rocking feathers out. I guess moccasins made it- but thats really it.
Tim Gunn would be proud. Plus his name is Gunn. Cowboys loved guns.


5 Superbowl Victories. Not bad.

The Case Against Indians.

* I realize how problematic it is to even write the phrase "the case against Indians". I am just looking at it specifically with their relation to Cowboys. Native Americans are a important and rich people with a vibrant and interesting history- they should be celebrated. But in relation to Cowboys- they suck.

Real Estate

Indians historically have not been the best real estate agents. They gave up Manhattan for like some beads. Now I love beads just as much as the next camper in the 60's but you got to think they have some buyers remorse.


Lets say you are walking around eating delicious beef jerky and you can't find a trash can so you harmlessly throw it on the ground. You better check to see if any Indians are around or else you'll have to deal some EMOTION. Indians cry when they see trash its a fact. (Please note how obvious of a Trail of Tears joke would've been here. I refrained, see, Ashley?? I can act mature.....please call me back, I'll be cool- I promise)

At this point I realized how tough it was to make a case against a certain people without sounding like a flaming racist- no matter how funny it was. So I enlisted my good friend, Cowboy Lover, and Lisa Hater, Tommy DuRoss to help. Here are some nuggets he dropped

Tommy Thoughts

"If television has taught us anything, and i think we can all agree that it has, its that Indians are the bad guys"

"you think you are so cool because you crossed the Bering straights like a million years before the Europeans arrived. Yeah. Real Original."

"Pass the Peace Pipe?? No thank you, Indians. I've been to a Jason Mraz concert, thank you very much!

BOOM- There you have it. Lisa I hope your Scalp is blown. Special Thanks to Tommy, Manifest Destiny, and everyone who reads this.

Please call, Ash, hope your sister isnt still mad.

Hey John, how was your Thanksgiving?! I hope you just had a blast celebrating genocide and destruction. Oh, and I hope you were able to choke down more than your average of 4 bites per meal. If not, I hope you had one bite of everything you liked – and you didn’t barf it up.

Speaking of genocide, how about them Indians? Yeah I hear they really sucked it up this year. Talk about genocide on the field. But we’re not here to talk about baseball, we’re here to talk about the greatest people ever to walk this planet (at the same time as Dinosaurs if you ask certain people). Native Americans.

Let’s jump in my DeLorean and take a little trip. **turns knobs, pokes numbers, presses cook button** Ok, we’ve got our bagel bites, now let’s go back in time and observe the awesomeness that is the Native American.


No gunpowder, no electricity and no clothes that fully covered their bottoms, but still they thrived. Just imagine yourself stuck in the wilderness with some flint and a stick. You would die for sure, but Native Americans took those little tools and ran with them. Next thing you know, they have sweet bows and arrows, teepees, sweat lodges and peyote. Enter white man – all is ruined. If it weren’t for the white man, we would have our carbon emissions reduced by about a million percent, women could still walk around topless, and we definitely wouldn’t have STDs. Just imagine that world – John’s doctor bills would be almost non-existent.


They were cool with them. In fact, a boy had to trip pretty hardcore to become a man. Then he came back, told everyone what he saw and they decided his name based on that. That’s why there are so many interesting Native American names out there. I’m looking at you, Boy-Who-Laughs-At-Anything. Plus, we can thank Native Americans for the bong and tie-dye.

They keep their friends close and their enemies scared shitless

All of those cowboys and Indians movies will prove that without a doubt the cowboys were terrified of Indians. Why? Because one lone Indian atop a cliff in a gorge could take out 40 cowboys with a bow and arrow. He could even call his friends from miles around without even using his cell phone. What did those lame cowboys have? Guns. Guns can’t do much for you if you’re white and drunk. That’s how John lost his baby toe, just ask him.

The Case Against Cowboys

Tony Romo


They sound uneducated

No offense to anyone from the South, but real cowboys talk like they received a second grade education. “That them there mountain is a big un I reckon.” Native Americans have such complex languages they were commissioned by the Marines in World War 2. Yeah, I saw Windtalkers…and don’t even get me started on casting Nicholas Case and Christian Slater in that one – Hollywood is racist.

No Manners

Cowboys waltzed into the Native Americans land and were like “ummm…I’m totally lost can you help me?” Of course, Native Americans are very hospitable so they helped the white man out a little bit. They taught them how to plant corn, let them date their daughters, showed them how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and what do they get in return? Syphilis, alcoholism and an unpleasant walk to a new land.

Side note: joke’s on the white man because they happened to relocate many tribes to oil rich land. Now instead of the trail of tears, many tribes refer to it as the unpleasant trail we walked on and at the end found out we were filthy rich.

So, we have here two groups of people and it’s quite obvious who is superior. You may be saying, “but Lisa, the Native Americans were nearly wiped out by the white man.” This may be true, but let’s see who got the last laugh. Native Americans run casinos, go clamming and fishing without a license, get money each year just for being awesome, get scholarships for being a minority, and they get to make jokes about Native Americans being alcoholics without appearing to be insensitive. Just admit it, you wish you were Native American. And just admit it, John, you wish you were Andy Samberg.