Tuesday, March 9, 2010

3 Way Death Dance - Neil, Lance, and Louis Armstrong






“It takes two to make things go right. It takes two to make it out of sight.”

- Rob Base

Well, once again, Rob Base, you are wrong. Sometimes it takes three to make things go right and in turn; out of sight. Cue the music (Threes Company)

Welcome to Tommy Michael Duross. Little Background on Tom: Tommy, Lisa, and I all went to college together and Tommy and I went to HS together as well. Tommy and I also were the Student Body and Senior Class Presidents, respectively and might I add, we ran a corrupt administration. Lets just say we made Elliot Spitzer look like Rod Blagojevich So welcome to hell, Tommy. Thank you for being our Matt Dillion to our Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. (Lisa, you’re Neve Campbell- sucker) There’s no smooth way to start a manajablog, except to dive head first with a heart of well intentions and a belly of regret. Lets do this!

Triple Threat Match!

Lance Armstrong vs Neil Armstrong vs Louis Armstrong!

(B the W, This is will more epic than Kurt Angle vs The Rock vs The Undertaker at Vengeance 2002. Seems impossible huh?)

The Case For Neil Armstrong

Cheaper by the Dozen

Twelve. That’s how many people have ever walked on the moon. Twelve: the same number of toes Tommy has; the same number of kids Lisa and Matt will end up having. There have been 8 more Survivor winners than people who have walked on the room.

This really should be the only argument. Neil was the first human being to walk on a heavenly body. 70 years before, we were still using horse and buggies. So in 70 years we went from horses to walking on the moon which is 238,857 miles away. He was the perfect candidate to be the first. He fought in Korea, was a professor, and contrary to popular belief, was the first person to say "Boom Goes the Dynamite".

(I am embarrassed that I have even to address this but I fear that Lisa and Tommy will try to use the whole "The Moon Landing was a Conspiracy" argument. I would hope that you guys wouldn't rest the hopes of your posts in such a problematic and flawed argument. Moreover, I would like to think you guys would take the high road and and choose not to be divisive communists especially during this uncertain political and economic time. So I would like to thank you ahead of time for choosing to be classy patriots as opposed to pinko commie trash.)

The Cases Against Lance and Louis (Lance and Louis sounds like an early 80s sitcom starring Scott Baio and Peter Scolari )

The Case Against Lance

For the record, I usually make it a habit to make “cases against” cancer survivors- you better watch out, Uncle Jim! If you google "Lance Armstrong, Jerk" 45,900 results come up. That almost speaks for itself. (Incidentally, if you google "Lisa, Snuggie Obsession" you get 35,670 results and if you google "Tommy, Shamwow Guy, South Beach, DUI, Illegal Lemurs" you get 1.5 million results.)

Also, think of those guys you know with the bluetooth headset and call you things like "Chief" or ask "Hows it hanging" and quote Dane Cook jokes; almost every time those guys wear yellow "Livestrong" Bracelets.

Hasn't he also cheated on like every wife he's had? He just can't help soaking up the sun if it makes him happy.

The Case Against Louis

What do Jazz, the Dodge Viper, Brokeback Mountain, and the Green Party all have in common? Besides being on Lisa's facebook "about me". They are overrated. Jazz is tremendously overrated. Jazz is like a cool stepdad- you really want to like him but deep down you’re just not feeling it. I don't care how many XBox games you buy for me, "Jeff", you're not my real dad. For more thoughts on how dumb jazz is please check out this video from the secretary of defense, Paul F Tompkins.

Jazz is Dumb

Hey- what the heck is a Satchmo? Jazz is dumb.

Lisa and Tommy, you are trying to argue that a jazz man and a guy who rides a bike are better than the first man to walk on the Moon? Tommy- you've been a "Family Feud" champion- which is less cool than walking on the moon. Lisa, you've….well…. I'm sure you'll do something cool and it will be significantly less cool than walking on the moon.

One small step for a blog, one giant punch in the face to Lisa and Tommy.

Thanks for playing Tommy, and Lisa- run a comb through your hair

Hello Tommy, how is law school? And hello John, how is funny school? I’m sure both of you are learning tons. Sometimes I like to imagine the two of you in an alternate universe that is actually occurring at the same time as the reality that we are conscious of. It’s funny because John is actually morbidly obese – our breakup really messed with him. Tommy, life isn’t so different for you but you did take your life as a CF incredibly seriously and you’re now the Father Fred of Swig. Let me tell you, your penthouse is breathtaking. Enough of life in an alternate sideways universe, let’s talk about some people that share a last name. No, not Reggie and George Bush, I’m talking about Lance, Louis, and Neil Armstrong. I think the winner of this battle should be determined on the cycling course. Neil’s prosthetic hip automatically disqualifies him and Louis is dead, soooo I guess the winner is Lance! I’ll tell you why he’s a worthy winner in case you didn’t like the logic of the bike race.

He rides bikes – and bitches

SO he gets married, has some kids and dumps his wife for Sheryl Crow – upgrade! Then he dumps Sheryl Crow for Tory Burch – upgrade (if you want free shoes, which I do). Then he dumps Tory Burch for Kate Hudson – another upgrade! So then he comes back down to earth and starts dating some normal chick. Considering the whole one testicle thing, people thought he couldn’t have a kid but BOOM he put one in that normal girl.

Break records – make moneys

He won the Tour de France 7 times. The closest someone else got to that is winning it 5 times. I don’t know if you can do math as quickly as I can, but that’s 2 more times than that other guy. That’s the same number of times it took Tommy to pass 12th grade. So what if drugs may have been involved. Who doesn’t use drugs? In the alternate universe even Tommy the Father Fred of Swig uses drugs. Food is John’s drug unfortunately.

He beat cancer like Chris Brown beat…too soon.

Testicular cancer makes even the strongest men drop to their knees. Tom Green, Scott Hamilton, and the infamous subway shooter Bernhard Goetz – they all had cancer of the balls. Now, it’s great that they all overcame it, but Lance fought it, won, and now he still has the balls to compete in a sport in which he must carefully balance on that one testicle to ride his bike. I don’t know much about anatomy, but I imagine it would be easier to balance on two.

The Case Against the Other Armstrongs

Let’s take this one step at a time. Yes, John that is a quote from Step it Up, calm down. Neil; I’m still not convinced that you landed on the moon. There were shadows, the flag was waving and if you look really closely you can see the ceiling of the warehouse they staged the whole thing in. Plus, who was holding the camera when he stepped on the “moon?” That guy got no credit. Just like the guy who writes John’s jokes. Well he probably is quite ashamed of his work so let’s just let him remain anonymous.

Louis; I don’t like jazz and it really sounds like you need to clear your throat.

I really enjoyed our chat guys. We haven’t all been in the same place since Bay to Breakers last year. Remember that? Of course you don’t Tommy. I can’t wait until the next time we meet even if it is for Tommy’s court date – I believe you Tommy, that kid totally deserved it.


Greeting

I won’t lie. I don’t follow blogs. Much less this one. Seems like a waste of time.

When I was invited (read: begged) to lay some thoughts down on the blogosphere as a personal favor to my friends John and Lisa, I thought to myself, “Hey, how bad could it be? No one will read this anyway.” My initial plan was to begin by exchanging pleasantries with my counterparts, maybe compliment their looks, taste, etc. And then I read some of their older posts. It seems these two do not exchange pleasantries at all; in fact, they are downright rude to each other!

Well, as Bill Gates always said, if you can’t blog about anything nice, don’t blog about anything at all. You big idiot jerkfaces.

Heroes: Not Just a CNN Special

“And they say that a hero can save us.

Im not gonna stand here and wait.

I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles.

Watch as we all fly away.”

-Nickelback, on Spiderman

We live in a world of heroes. Trust me, I’m a law student. (Pay attention to the well-organized legal writing style.)

“But Tommy, what is a hero? What does it mean to be heroic? How did you ever get into law school?” Well, General Public, I’m glad you asked. I myself have been called a hero on a number of occasions….OK, not me, but a guy I know….OK, I have seen a lot of the show “Heroes” on ABC…OK, I haven’t, but I’ve been told it’s compelling. I pretty much know what I’m talking about here, so let me break it down for you.

There is no clear-cut definition of heroism; rather, we can only know heroism when we confront it directly. Off the top of my head, here are a few key examples of heroes we should all know: Tiger Woods; Chris Brown; John Mayer, Sarah Palin. These are people who have done extraordinary things for the benefit of mankind and have been on TV. Have you ever been on TV, John or Lisa? Didn’t think so.

Segue Making Fun of Opponents

But pointing those people out is like making fun of John for being a crappy drunk√† it’s too easy! The real challenge to answering Chad Kroeger’s impatient prayers is identifying the UNSUNG heroes; i.e. identifying Lisa as a crappy drunk.1 Ladies and gentlemen, please let me introduce one such unsung hero…

The Case for Louis Armstrong

Satchmo. Pops. The voice behind “What a Wonderful World,” Louis Armstrong was a musical revolutionary and cultural icon. He is perhaps best known for his raspy singing voice, a physical characteristic not unlike John’s radioactive birthmark, or Lisa’s midget-feet. These traits are one of a kind. Let’s take a deeper look…

A Deeper Look

Here is a deeper look.

He Could Give You the “Heebie Jeebies” In a Good Way

Louis Armstrong was a jazz prodigy whose talents were honed in the most unsavory of childhoods. Hey Por-Bine, you ever have someone call your mother a whore? Didn’t feel good, did it? (I know from first hand experience that you can’t even tell John “Yo’ Mama” without him responding with a roundhouse kick.) Well, Louis Armstrong’s mother actually was a prostitute.

One positive that came out of this was that Louis spent his childhood in and out of New Orleans’ red light district. In these environs, he was exposed to the cradle of Jazz music. Ever been to New Orleans? Let me give you an analogy. If America is Middle Earth, and the rings of power are all the different musical styles, then Jazz is definitely the One Ring, and New Orleans’ red light district is the fire of Mount Doom. (Admittedly, this analogy can only go so far, as I am not sure whether Louis Armstrong is Lord Sauron or Frodo Baggins, and you, General Public, will have likely quit reading this and checked facebook by now.) Regardless, New Orleans Jazz is a big deal. (And I think that Dr. Dre is Gandalf.)

Musically, the dude had some CHOPS. Cornet. Trumpet. Skat singing. (Google the song “Heebie Jeebies.”) Name a famous musician of the 20th century; Armstrong performed with them. Name a classic old-timey tune that appears in a modern-day romantic comedy; Armstrong sang it. In 1964, his record “Hello, Dolly!” reached #1 on the pop charts, making him the oldest person to ever do that; in so doing, he knocked the Beatles out of the #1 spot which they had occupied for 14 weeks. That would be like my Grandma Delores beating Shaun White in the snowboarding half-pipe. Unprecedented, and way gnarly.

“High Society”

Louis was a movie star, philanthropist, and ambassador. He got around, and hung out with some pretty cool people. (I’m talking like Cal Phi cool.) He appeared in over a dozen films, performing with the likes of Bing Crosby and Barbara Streisand. Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday were his roll dawgs. Frank Sinatra, Johnny Carson, and Merv Griffin were honorary pallbearers at his funeral. He met two popes. That’s a lot of popes.

Also, Armstrong was a major financial supporter of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and other civil rights activists. (Keep this in mind, and remember that Lance Armstrong and George W. Bush ride mountain bikes together). Armstrong's criticism of President Eisenhower’s inaction during the conflict over school desegregation in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957 made national news. As a protest, Armstrong canceled a planned tour of the Soviet Union on behalf of the State Department. He was all like, “Nuh uh, Dwight.” And all like “Oh No You Didn’t, State Department!”

Dude had principles.

“A Kriss to Build a Dream On”

Louis knew that lookin’ good doesn’t just happen by itself. (Unless you are me.) Armstrong made frequent use of laxatives as a means of controlling his weight, his preference being the herbal remedy Swiss Kriss. He advocated this practice in diet plans he published under the title Lose Weight the Satchmo Way. His slogan was "Satch says, 'Leave it all behind ya!”

Hilarious, and a pioneer in the field of colon cancer prevention. What else can you ask for?

(Please let it be noted that John and Lisa are the exact opposite of these things√† Lisa is un-hilarious, and John doesn’t even have a gall bladder.)

Verdict

Great musician, great man, took big poops to keep slim. Verdict: Hero.

Case Against Lance

Alright Lisa, given your propensity for falling in love with in-shape white guys, it was obvious that you would be defending Lance, the lamest of these three Armstrongs. Let me show you how Lance is actually a Zero parading around as a hero…

Ways Lance Armstrong is Actually a Zero Parading Around As a Hero

Lance Armstrong is not a hero. Here is why.

He Probably Cheated

If there is one thing that this last decade has taught us, it is that everyone and their mom was on steroids at one point. Shoot, I’m on them right now. For your average Irish-Catholic law student who does weekend stints as an underwear model, steroids are fine. Tough on the ol’ undercarriage, but get a few well-placed grapes or ping-pong balls, and steroids are just fiiine.

But I’m not a world-class athlete. There are rules against these things, rules that keep pretty much everyone on the same physical level and ability to compete.

Dude won 7 Tour de Frances in a row. The Tour de France, the hardest/most competitive race in the sport of cycling…and Lance won 7 in a row…after beating cancer…when Floyd Landis couldn’t win one without PED’s…and he won 7 in a row. I have never won 7 of anything in a row.

I’m skeptical. I don’t want to make any crazy or insulting statements, but Lance Armstrong is (probably) the dirtiest cheater in the history of dirty cheaters.

Texan By Birth, Douchebag by Choice

Don’t get me wrong, I bleed whiskey just like the rest of my fellow Texans, but there are certain things I dislike about my home state. Lance Armstrong is numero uno (Texan for “number 1”). In his biography, “It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life,” Lance throws his hometown under the bus because when he was in high school, people thought that bicycle racing was stupid, and thus nobody gave the sport the respect Lance thought it deserved.

Normally I don’t mind it when authors bash their hometowns; in fact, one sort of expects that great authors have conflicted relationships with the places where they grew up. There are two problems with this theory in Lance’s case.

Lance is not William Fucking Faulkner.

His hometown is MY hometown.

Plano, Texas is one hell of a city, and I will pistol-whip anyone that says any different.

Am I biased? Perhaps. But maybe because I share the view of Lance’s Planoan antagonists, which also happens to be my next point…

Bicycle racing is stupid.

Bicycle racing is stupid. What are we, 8? Play football, you fairy.

Verdict

Zero. And the color yellow is dumb.

Case Against Neil

Sabine, we get it. You were a nerdy kid, and now that you are a self-actualized 20-something hipster, it’s actually really cool that you were in to things like Space when you were 9.

Newsflash: WRONG! Space is for nerds and always will be. By definition, nerds can never be heroes, and Neil Armstrong exemplifies this.

Reasons Why Neil Armstrong is a Nerd

Here are the reasons why Neil Armstrong is a nerd…

He gives lame nicknames.

First there was “Buzz” Aldrin, and then there was “Rocket Man” John Glen. Oh, and let’s NOT forget “Ride Sally Ride” Sally Ride, “Movie Guy” Tom Hanks, and “Apollo Ohno.” The list goes on and on. So nerdy.

We are still waiting on those aliens.

It is a known fact that the reason we even went to the moon in the first place was to make contact with alien life forms. No thanks to Neil Armstrong, we never found them. What is the hold up, Neil? Did you forget to bring up the space fruit basket as a moon-warming gift? Did you leave a thank you note for the moon rocks you harvested? Did you forget your space manners at Astronaut training? God, whatever happened to propriety? If we don’t find any chewbaccas in the next 10 years, we have only Neil Armstrong to blame.

Nerdy first name.

Neil is among the nerdiest names around. My youngest brother is named Neil, and he used to wear suspenders. Viz a Viz, Er Go, and such and such. I think I’ve cemented my point.

Verdict

Nerd Alert!!

Conclusion

That about wraps it up for me. John, Lisa, I look forward to reading your points, and secretly plotting my revenge in the blogosphere.

As for you, General Public, go be heroic. And use me as a reference.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Colts vs Saints





How has your decade been, Lisa? I can’t wait till VH1 does “Worst Decade Ever" and its all about you. Michael Ian Black has some hilarious observations about your terrible life.

Big Sports Week- and no I am not talking about Junior Goodwill hockey final between USA and Team Iceland. (although I hear that the USA goalie is fat and the rest of team gets into madcap high jinx) Its Superbowl week and instead of debating which team will win- Its time to put to bed the age old rilvary....

Colts vs Saints!

My name is John Michael and although I have Saints to thank for my awesomley unique first and middle names there is no way Saints are better Colts. Saddle up - listen to Motown Filly- it will beHOOF you to take to this in.

So during college I dated the Horse Whisperer's step daughter. For the sake of anyomity we'll call her Krysten Swensen. During the 1.8 times I met said Whisperer he passed along to me the wisdom and spirit of these majestic creatures. Side note- turns out if you want to get something or someone to do what you want all you have to do is whisper. Thats it. I tried it on my local Mountain Dew delivery man and lets just say I am sitting pretty on top of the mountain. (was that metaphor clear? he gave me alot of Mountain Dew- thats what I'm trying to convey.)

One sun-drenched August day The Whisperer offered me his most wild filly, "Condoleeza". I cautiosly approached the irritable beast, got inches away from her left ear and whispered "Hey Horsy- dont be butthead." Her eyes flashed to mine and we stood there frozen in time- the Western Sun setting behind the cumbersome hill- but at that moment I knew she was mine. Then The Whisperer and I rode to the top of Big Horn, he offered me a Malboro Red, I declined; and as we stood looking out at the serene plains of the Equality State he turned and whispered, "Jeff, let me tell you the history of these beasts; these Colts...."

For the next 3 hours he ragailed me with the the rich history but to be honest it was hard to hear what with the whispering and all. However I did pick up on some important dates I would be remiss if I didnt pass them along.

- May 1, 1523- The Festival of Spring. Hastings the Blacksmith is given a horse as a gift then immediately looks in the horse's mouth- the town is outraged- Hastings is hanged...hung? which one is it?

- November 13 1887- Glue is invented in Ireland- horses weep. This day is henceforth known as "Gluey Sunday"

- January 4th 1902- German Car Manufactuer BMW coins the term "horse power" to describe the power of its automobile. 108 years later, the term is still used even though no one understands that frame of reference.

- August 11 1989, John James Sabine returns home from work to find his son 5 year old son, John Michael Sabine playing with a "My Little Pony". John James fixes himself a stiff drink.

With the Milky White Crescent moon guarding over the slumbering prairie, he whispered something to his charcoal stallion- she let out a booming “niegghhh” and he and her flew off. He literally flew into the sky- I never saw him again.

That night I learned that Colts are a huge part our history-Colts have helped us fight our wars and deliver our mail. Without Colts, Paul Revere would not have been able to make his midnight ride and Toby Maguire would not have been able to make a movie with Jeff Bridges. In some weird way we are more indebted to Colts than Saints. Also I bet you can name more famous horses than you can name Saints. And don’t say St Francis of Assisi- that’s a copout.

The Case Against Saints

I am waiting in line for confession as I write this- who knew that St Ida's Church has wifi but not a public restroom?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Besides Mother Theresa, Oprah, and Lisa’s husband, Matt, can you name a modern era Saint? I get it – if you got your head chopped off in 325 AD you got to become a saint. I know what you’re thinking, Lisa “But 325 AD- wasn’t that when Constantine 1 called for the Council of Nicaea and established which Gospels to use, when Easter should be (after the first full moon following the vernal equinox- duh) as well as the Nicene Creed??” Shut up Lisa!

Do you believe in Miracles??

Becoming a Saint is harder to than getting Lisa’s attention during a “Man vs Food” marathon on the Travel Channel. Did you know that you have to have 3 miracles attributed to you in order to become a saint? That means if you bring someone back to life and walk on water- that’s not enough Miracles. But in order to increase my chances of becoming St. John the Gaunt, I am going to sit here and Rent “Miracle”, eat some Miracle Whip, while listening to “Miracles” by Jefferson Starship- that’s 3 right there. Easy Peasy Jeezy Creezy.

This Sunday when you are in between watching Viagra commercials and eating Totinos Pizza Rolls deciding who to cheer for- remember that Colts, not Saints, that helped tame this wild country- from sea to shining sea. You might even call it Peyton Manning-fest Destiny.

I hope the Saints march all over you Lisa.

Well, John we meet again. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog’s Day? This blog has made my life feel like I’m trapped in that movie. I wake up, get on Gmail, and you harass me about useless crap. What’s your favorite Nick Cage movie? What should we write about next? Take a look at this rash and tell me if you think it’s normal. Over and over and over again. WHEN WILL I WAKE UP?!

So we’re here to discuss a question that a lot of people will bet money on. Who is better – colts or saints? Let’s get this going – I have a delicious dinner in the oven…at Outback.

Get in touch with your roots, John – stop dying your hair.

Saints are so important that 98% of California cities are named after them. Where is your loyalty, John? You went to Santa Clara in San Jose…which is near Santa Cruz and San Francisco. You know – our rivals were kinda Saint Mary’s? You would think that with all of these saints around you for four of your most impressionable years you would have a little respect. St. Swig would be disappointed. And no, I’m not talking about Lester.

A Term of Endearment

Thanks darling, you’re a colt. No. That doesn’t work at all. If you call someone a saint, you’re insinuating that they’re just swell. If you call someone a colt, they would maybe think you’re calling them a pistol and they might take that as a come on. This is bound to cause confusion.

Historicalness

Saints are important. Any Catholic person can tell you that ahemJOHN. Apparently, if you’re a Saint that means you’re in heaven. Now, let’s not get too deep here, that’s not my style, but if there is a heaven, we would all like to be there. However, I doubt many of my favorite TV shows play there – so maybe I’ll pass. If they have Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ll go.

The Case Against Colts

Underage

Colts can’t even get it on. They’re four or younger. They probably can’t even get big horse boners. Their voice cracks, they smell horrible, their acne is painful to look at, and they just sleep ALL the time. All the mares out there agree that they’re completely worthless.

I’m not going to pretend to know too much more about colts – only this. If a saint tried to fight a colt, the colt would probably win. BUT the saint would go to heaven and then the joke’s on that stupid colt. Chew your cud you dummy.

I hope you don’t have play practice or dance rehearsal on the Superbowl, John. That would really threaten your manhood. That, and you’re Adam Lambert CD collection. If you can, tune in to watch your poor prepubescent colts get whipped by some holy old guys.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Football vs Soccer






Happy New Year!

I just want to clear up a rumor. Yes Lisa and I sometimes gamble with each other. And Yes Lisa has been on a hot streak as of late. And Yes I may or may not owe Lisa $46,000 dollars. But when I mailed her 3 Samurai Swords with a note that said “Choose One” – I meant it as a joke. And when I tweeted “Lisa btter step off bc she know that I gots swordz!” it was just a continuation of the original joke- a “callback” is what we call it in the biz. Plus it wasn’t that dangerous. The Swords were in their sheaths. But I accept responsibility for my actions and have already reached out to Tony Dungy for guidance.

In other news, my celebration of the first Cowboys playoff victory since I was in 6th grade was marred by Lisa and I would like to address it:

Lisa, your Romophobia is appalling. For the last time- I cant “choose” whether or I am a Tony Romo fan, I guess I’ve always been one but now I’m out with it. And for the first time, better or worse, I feel like myself- why can’t you accept that? I expected more from you, Lisa. You, Sir, are a rabid Romophobic. Which leads me to…

Football vs Soccer!

I get it Lisa, you studied abroad in college and it “totally changed your life”. You lie and tell people that Nutella is better than Peanut Butter because you think it makes you sound more cultured. You watched 2.8 soccer games in a pub and you bought one of those soccer scarves so you think you’re a fan. Well Lisa, you aren’t the Queen of England and soccer is sport for 8 year olds.

I know its easy, being from Seattle, to turn your back on America- that city is practically a principality- but remember that America is at war- remember these colors don't run- remember Beyonce had on of the best videos of all time. Football is American Lisa, don't hate America.


The Case for Football

You’re Everywhere to Me

With NFL Network, Twitter, Direct TV, Blogs, and Espn, you can consume football around the clock. It never ends. Its perfect for fans. Football is total nonstop action 24/7/365 till 2012. During the season- it can be the only form of entertainment you ingest and you can still never be satisfied. Can Soccer say that? Probably not- there are too many leagues and sexy Dutch car commercials.

Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

Fantasy Football is awesome. If it wasn’t for Fantasy Football men in their 20s and 30s would have nothing to talk about. The corporate work environment would be silent. If Fantasy Football didn’t exist men would have to talk about things like their feelings and, Sisters, we know that’ll never happen! And how come men always NEED to have the remote control- and they’re always checking their Iphones- I mean its like “Helloooooo I’m right here- can’t we have a conversation for once- is that so difficult??” Anyway- Fantasy Football is awesome.

My Bowl is Super! Thanks for asking!

Q. What is the lowest crime day every year?
A. Superbowl Sunday! (I didn’t check this it just seems right)

Using that made up fact- if we just had the Superbowl every day America would have low crime! Who doesn’t want that? Superbowl Sunday probably beats most holidays. Great food- hilarious commercials- gambling- way past their prime rockers from the 70s- unwanted nipples- it has it all!


The Case Against Soccer

Q: What’s the Hardest thing about playing Soccer?
A: Telling your dad gay rollerblade jokes.

1-0 What a Gripping Game!

Nothing really happens. Out of the whole game maybe 2 or 3 goals happen. That’s it. I’m not trying to rent Devil’s Advocate- I’m just being honest.

"Athlete’s" Foot?

Who’s the biggest soccer star in America? Landon Donovan? He looks like the not famous Lawrence brother. If he was more athletic he would’ve tried to play football or basketball but he looked around and said- whelp if all the Larry Fiztgeralds and Michael Vicks are doing football- I’ll try soccer.

I know people are going to fake excitement for the South African World Cup- Sure it might be a little more fun that District 9- But I also know everyone who reads this will be at a Super Bowl Party this year. And it will be an awesome time. Soccer is just an excuse for nations to hate each other by using a sport to mask their deeply rooted prejudice. Yeah, I said it. 2010 is all about getting real.

There is one exception to the Soccer is lame argument and its this guy

Let the record show that Kenny Cooper is the man.

Hey Lisa- if you get the Swine Flu is it just called the Flu? Go Cowboys- Get Real- 2K10.


I get it, John. You’re an American. An American that wears a Longhorns T-shirt and hat with tennis shoes in swanky London town. I get it – we all get it, you suck. Really you don’t have to point that out anymore.

Do you know who’s cooler than John? You’re right – everyone, but I was thinking of Europeans particularly. You know what Europeans do besides drink a hell of a lot? They play soccer. Ok, I know it’s not entirely correct to call it soccer, but I’m an old dog that can’t learn new vocabulary. The rest of the world is enamored with the sport, and while we try, it’s a pretty lame attempt. Not as lame of an attempt as the XFL, but that’s not on the agenda today. Why is soccer so cool you ask? Let me tell you.

David Beckham – he is incredibly attractive.

Cool Team Names

We feel some weird obligation to name our teams after animals. It’s weird. There are rare cases in which a panther or an eagle excelled in a sport. European soccer teams are usually cool sounding words that we can’t really pronounce right, but when you do try to say them it sounds like you’re really cultured. “Excuse me, kind sir did you happen to catch the final score of the Valencia Mallorca match? I do say, the calls were poppycock.”

Chanting – not the cult kind, the cool kind

What do we have? Deee-fense deee-fense. That’s about it. It seems like every soccer team has a song, a choreographed dance, a toast that they do at the local pub, hand motions, smoke signals - all that cool stuff.

Hooligans

I don’t know if everyone has seen Green Street Hooligans here, but it’s awesome. I like to imagine that every soccer team in Europe has a little Elijah Wood running around who is actually far more threatening than his size would indicate. Anyway, he starts fights and stuff and uses things like spiky clubs to whack the crap out of the other teams’ hooligans. I’m pretty sure that happens in real life, and that rocks.

Stamina

[Insert inappropriate sexual joke about John’s stamina here]. Soccer players run for 90 minutes. American football players start – stop – start – stop, and if you’re one of those fat guys who just stands there like a fat guy that no one can get around, you don’t even really have to run. Where, I ask you is the athleticism there? And if you’re really lucky, you can be a kicker who just goes out once in awhile, but still can’t seem to find a matching pair of shoes. Get it together, man.

The case against American Football

Homoeroticism

In what other sport does a grown man who “swears he likes women” place his hands directly under the junk of another man? Nope, no other sports, just American football. I’ll bet Tony Romo digs that.

Convicts and crappy human beings.

I’m just going to throw it out there – professional football players tend to be douchebags. They fight dogs, they shoot their own foot, they get DUIs galore, and they can’t make decisions about retirement. Soccer players hug each other when they make goals and they don’t have uncontrollable roid rage.

I realize that there are some people who will think I’m “un-American” by saying that soccer is cooler than football, but there are a lot of American things that should probably be revaluated like Texas. Secede already – you’re dragging us down.

By the way – John doesn’t even watch football. What’s the Cowboy’s record anyway John? WRONG – it is not Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits. Idiot stick.