Saturday, March 26, 2011

Land Vs. Sea


Oh how I’ve missed the blogosphere. So much has changed since our last blog. We’re invading Libya, there’s been a disastrous earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Victoria Beckham is pregnant again, I can’t get that stupid Friday song by Elizabeth Black out of my head and Charlie Sheen is one of the most successful addicts of our time. It’s times like these that we need something consistent, something reliable, something mindless and dull. You’re in luck my friend – Lisa and John are back.

Well, I’m still here in Seattle and I haven’t started cutting or giving into the hipster-clothing trend. I think that’s a general “yay” for me. As you may know, John is off at sea on the Epic. I think he’s working as one of the trapeze men that they have for their nightly shows or something like that. Personally, I don’t trust the sea. It all started when my bumper boat ran out of gas and people mercilessly bludgeoned my useless raft only to laugh maniacally as a 10-year-old Lisa desperately clung to life. I was a selective mute for 5 years after that.

The Argument for Land

Endless fun things to do

Let me just name some things you can do on land that you can’t do at sea.

-jumping jacks

-go on a roller coaster

-play kickball

-sing by a campfire

If those things don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. I have, however, saved the best for last. On land, you can have a party where you invite Journey (the old one, not the new one with the creepy guy) wear tank-tops, drink Mountain Dew, and have John Stamos as the MC and John will for sure not show up. Lovin’ land.

My flawless argument

John is at sea. It’s much safer here.

Stranded on land

Let’s say you get lost on land. There are a number of cool things that can happen to you. You might get lost on an island that is still conveniently getting food dropped from the sky. You might meet a French woman who starts out weird, but turns out to be pretty cool. You might even meet a really cool volleyball that you form a really strong bond with. If Chance, Shadow and Sassy can do it, you too can survive in the wilderness. You know how I can make myself cry on command? I think of that scene where Shadow is stuck in the pit by the railroad and he can’t get out because it’s too muddy and he says “go on, Chance, I’m too old,” and he puts his head down in the mud. If you’re not crying right now, you have no soul.

The Argument Against the Sea

Stranded at Sea

“Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Yes, I googled who said it, but I actually did know that quote. That’s one point in the smart category for me even though I did major in communications…minus one smart point…damn, back at 0. Anyway, it’s much harder to survive being lost at sea. People have to do really awful things when lost at sea like drink their own pee, kill turtles and suck out their blood or sell sand for everyday goods. Also, if you’re Nicole Kidman and you’re trying to get over the loss of your child, it’s inevitable that a crazy f is going to try to kill you. And no one can hear you scream…

Sea Creatures

Nessy, narwhals, giant squid, Ursula and creepily intelligent dolphins named Linku all pose a threat in the sea. What’s even creepier is you can’t see them coming. Now, land may have Bigfoot to worry about, but he seems to be more afraid of us – plus he’s blurry and if you ask Mr. Henderson, he’ll tell you that he’s really just a gentle giant. You might say, but Lisa, there are so many COOL sea creatures. Take for example, mermaids/men. They’re hot. Finely toned upper bodies and long flowing hair BUT take this into account. Once you round second base with a mermaid you will become acutely aware that their lower half is still that of a fish. I’ll let you use your imagination, but let’s just say the smell won’t go away for weeks.

I think I can also categorize pirates as sea creatures. It’s pretty cool that pirates are actually a concern for people at sea in 2011, but they are no laughing matter. They’ve abandoned their harmless parrot-loving, peg-leg wearing, rum-drinking, raping and pillaging ways, and now they’re getting serious. They’re out for the real deal now and just because you’re on the biggest cruise ship ever and you brought your nun-chucks, I wouldn’t feel too safe if I were you, John.

As Kevin Costner so eloquently put it, “dry land is not our dream, but our destiny.” I’ve never agreed with him more – except for that time he killed Dane Cook in Mr. Brooks. He really did us all a huge favor there.

March 10 2010. This was the last time I squared off against the Cerebral Assassin known has Lisa Porter McGaffey. In the time since our last fight, Lisa still hasn't had a baby, Charlie Sheen has entered the Busey Zone, we tried to convince ourselves that soccer was interesting during he World Cup, we've gone from 2 to 3 Middle Eastern Wars, and I've gone through 43 bottles of Axe body spray. (Editors note: Lisa and I wrote our intros independently of each other so any similarities is just further proof that we are unimaginative and most likely each other's constant)

I should also point out that Lisa and her Husband, Stedman came to visit Chicago over the summer. It was amicable; we went to a Cubs game, a Second City show, and talked about how much we appreciate the 17 people who read this blog. (We really do appreciate everyone, I know Lisa can seem cold)

Land vs Sea

Since our last battle I been lucky to get a job as a performer aboard the Norwegian Epic Cruise Ship so I spend my days working on my tan and listening to Katy Perry and I spend my nights putting aloe on my sunburns and listening to Katy Perry. It is during my time aboard the second largest ship in the world I have grown a fondness for the Sea. In fact, in honor of this argument and in the spirit of hanging out I am writing this on the bow of our ship while we sail the Western Caribbean.

The Case for the Sea

Anything Goes (except that- gross, Duross)

Guess who rules over the Ocean- those Fat Cats in Washington?? No way, brother. The Sea is like Camp Nowhere or an Outback Steakhouse- No Rules. You can do anything. Just today I've personally performed 3 marriages 5 divorces. You want to start a conga line- go for it! You want to make out with a Soft Serve Yogurt Machine- the world is your oyster, Homeslice! Right now you might be thinking "But John, I read a lot of news on those tv screens in my work's elevator every morning; what about Pirates??" The more the merrier! Pirates are just dudes looking to party plus they really only hang out in the Gulf of Aden so just don't go to the Gulf of Aden. I was trying to see how many times I could type "Gulf of Aden" without getting bored- turns out the answer was 3.

Size Matters

Earth is 70% Oceans and Earth is awesome. You can't hate 70% of something that is awesome. You don't hate 70% of Arrested Development do you?


1970's TV tells us that Dolphins are cuter and smarter than Human Beings. Dolphins rule the Oceans like an adorable police force. Dolphins are fast and efficient and can speak like 6 languages- like Kobe Bryant.

The Case Against the Land

"Up on the shore they work all day, up in the sun they slave away"

- Harry Truman, Potsdam 1945

Living on land is a lot of work. How many of us are reading this in a cubicle on land? There's always something to be done whether it be harvest our crops or pay income taxes. Land is exhausting. In the Ocean all you have do is float on your back and not get scurvy.

Bad Luck Lisa

The Stock Market can't crash in the ocean. Germany can't invade Poland in the ocean. Lebron James can't tape The Decision in the ocean. All the pressures and stresses of society are washed away by cleansing salty power of Poseidon's trident. (See what I did there? In college I went to the first day of a Creative Writing Class once) In the ocean, all you have to do is avoid icebergs and Charles Widmore's boat, everything else is a positive.

Well Lisa, this felt good. Like Rick Flair coming back to fight in his 70s this was probably embarrassing and after our time but I don't care. I hope we continue to battle until I forget the password or you have a kid- whichever comes first.

Also if anyone is free the next two months and wants to take a vacation on a ship that has a Neil Diamond impersonator and the Blue Man Group I'd love to have visitors. Love on the Rocks!

Gulf of Aden. 4.

love always,

John Cougar Sabine