Lisa vs John

Land Vs. Sea

2011-03-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

Oh how I’ve missed the blogosphere. So much has changed since our last blog. We’re invading Libya, there’s been a disastrous earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Victoria Beckham is pregnant again, I can’t get that stupid Friday song by Elizabeth Black out of my head and Charlie Sheen is one of the most successful addicts of our time. It’s times like these that we need something consistent, something reliable, something mindless and dull. You’re in luck my friend – Lisa and John are back.

Well, I’m still here in Seattle and I haven’t started cutting or giving into the hipster-clothing trend. I think that’s a general “yay” for me. As you may know, John is off at sea on the Epic. I think he’s working as one of the trapeze men that they have for their nightly shows or something like that. Personally, I don’t trust the sea. It all started when my bumper boat ran out of gas and people mercilessly bludgeoned my useless raft only to laugh maniacally as a 10-year-old Lisa desperately clung to life. I was a selective mute for 5 years after that.

The Argument for Land

Endless fun things to do

Let me just name some things you can do on land that you can’t do at sea.

-jumping jacks

-go on a roller coaster

-play kickball

-sing by a campfire

If those things don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. I have, however, saved the best for last. On land, you can have a party where you invite Journey (the old one, not the new one with the creepy guy) wear tank-tops, drink Mountain Dew, and have John Stamos as the MC and John will for sure not show up. Lovin’ land.

My flawless argument

John is at sea. It’s much safer here.

Stranded on land

Let’s say you get lost on land. There are a number of cool things that can happen to you. You might get lost on an island that is still conveniently getting food dropped from the sky. You might meet a French woman who starts out weird, but turns out to be pretty cool. You might even meet a really cool volleyball that you form a really strong bond with. If Chance, Shadow and Sassy can do it, you too can survive in the wilderness. You know how I can make myself cry on command? I think of that scene where Shadow is stuck in the pit by the railroad and he can’t get out because it’s too muddy and he says “go on, Chance, I’m too old,” and he puts his head down in the mud. If you’re not crying right now, you have no soul.

The Argument Against the Sea

Stranded at Sea

“Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Yes, I googled who said it, but I actually did know that quote. That’s one point in the smart category for me even though I did major in communications…minus one smart point…damn, back at 0. Anyway, it’s much harder to survive being lost at sea. People have to do really awful things when lost at sea like drink their own pee, kill turtles and suck out their blood or sell sand for everyday goods. Also, if you’re Nicole Kidman and you’re trying to get over the loss of your child, it’s inevitable that a crazy f is going to try to kill you. And no one can hear you scream…

Sea Creatures

Nessy, narwhals, giant squid, Ursula and creepily intelligent dolphins named Linku all pose a threat in the sea. What’s even creepier is you can’t see them coming. Now, land may have Bigfoot to worry about, but he seems to be more afraid of us – plus he’s blurry and if you ask Mr. Henderson, he’ll tell you that he’s really just a gentle giant. You might say, but Lisa, there are so many COOL sea creatures. Take for example, mermaids/men. They’re hot. Finely toned upper bodies and long flowing hair BUT take this into account. Once you round second base with a mermaid you will become acutely aware that their lower half is still that of a fish. I’ll let you use your imagination, but let’s just say the smell won’t go away for weeks.

I think I can also categorize pirates as sea creatures. It’s pretty cool that pirates are actually a concern for people at sea in 2011, but they are no laughing matter. They’ve abandoned their harmless parrot-loving, peg-leg wearing, rum-drinking, raping and pillaging ways, and now they’re getting serious. They’re out for the real deal now and just because you’re on the biggest cruise ship ever and you brought your nun-chucks, I wouldn’t feel too safe if I were you, John.

As Kevin Costner so eloquently put it, “dry land is not our dream, but our destiny.” I’ve never agreed with him more – except for that time he killed Dane Cook in Mr. Brooks. He really did us all a huge favor there.

March 10 2010. This was the last time I squared off against the Cerebral Assassin known has Lisa Porter McGaffey. In the time since our last fight, Lisa still hasn't had a baby, Charlie Sheen has entered the Busey Zone, we tried to convince ourselves that soccer was interesting during he World Cup, we've gone from 2 to 3 Middle Eastern Wars, and I've gone through 43 bottles of Axe body spray. (Editors note: Lisa and I wrote our intros independently of each other so any similarities is just further proof that we are unimaginative and most likely each other's constant)

I should also point out that Lisa and her Husband, Stedman came to visit Chicago over the summer. It was amicable; we went to a Cubs game, a Second City show, and talked about how much we appreciate the 17 people who read this blog. (We really do appreciate everyone, I know Lisa can seem cold)

Land vs Sea

Since our last battle I been lucky to get a job as a performer aboard the Norwegian Epic Cruise Ship so I spend my days working on my tan and listening to Katy Perry and I spend my nights putting aloe on my sunburns and listening to Katy Perry. It is during my time aboard the second largest ship in the world I have grown a fondness for the Sea. In fact, in honor of this argument and in the spirit of hanging out I am writing this on the bow of our ship while we sail the Western Caribbean.

The Case for the Sea

Anything Goes (except that- gross, Duross)

Guess who rules over the Ocean- those Fat Cats in Washington?? No way, brother. The Sea is like Camp Nowhere or an Outback Steakhouse- No Rules. You can do anything. Just today I've personally performed 3 marriages 5 divorces. You want to start a conga line- go for it! You want to make out with a Soft Serve Yogurt Machine- the world is your oyster, Homeslice! Right now you might be thinking "But John, I read a lot of news on those tv screens in my work's elevator every morning; what about Pirates??" The more the merrier! Pirates are just dudes looking to party plus they really only hang out in the Gulf of Aden so just don't go to the Gulf of Aden. I was trying to see how many times I could type "Gulf of Aden" without getting bored- turns out the answer was 3.

Size Matters

Earth is 70% Oceans and Earth is awesome. You can't hate 70% of something that is awesome. You don't hate 70% of Arrested Development do you?

Dolphins!

1970's TV tells us that Dolphins are cuter and smarter than Human Beings. Dolphins rule the Oceans like an adorable police force. Dolphins are fast and efficient and can speak like 6 languages- like Kobe Bryant.

The Case Against the Land

"Up on the shore they work all day, up in the sun they slave away"

- Harry Truman, Potsdam 1945

Living on land is a lot of work. How many of us are reading this in a cubicle on land? There's always something to be done whether it be harvest our crops or pay income taxes. Land is exhausting. In the Ocean all you have do is float on your back and not get scurvy.

Bad Luck Lisa

The Stock Market can't crash in the ocean. Germany can't invade Poland in the ocean. Lebron James can't tape The Decision in the ocean. All the pressures and stresses of society are washed away by cleansing salty power of Poseidon's trident. (See what I did there? In college I went to the first day of a Creative Writing Class once) In the ocean, all you have to do is avoid icebergs and Charles Widmore's boat, everything else is a positive.

Well Lisa, this felt good. Like Rick Flair coming back to fight in his 70s this was probably embarrassing and after our time but I don't care. I hope we continue to battle until I forget the blogspot.com password or you have a kid- whichever comes first.

Also if anyone is free the next two months and wants to take a vacation on a ship that has a Neil Diamond impersonator and the Blue Man Group I'd love to have visitors. Love on the Rocks! http://www.epic.ncl.com/

Gulf of Aden. 4.

love always,

John Cougar Sabine

3 Way Death Dance - Neil, Lance, and Louis Armstrong

2010-03-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

“It takes two to make things go right. It takes two to make it out of sight.”

- Rob Base

Well, once again, Rob Base, you are wrong. Sometimes it takes three to make things go right and in turn; out of sight. Cue the music (Threes Company)

Welcome to Tommy Michael Duross. Little Background on Tom: Tommy, Lisa, and I all went to college together and Tommy and I went to HS together as well. Tommy and I also were the Student Body and Senior Class Presidents, respectively and might I add, we ran a corrupt administration. Lets just say we made Elliot Spitzer look like Rod Blagojevich So welcome to hell, Tommy. Thank you for being our Matt Dillion to our Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. (Lisa, you’re Neve Campbell- sucker) There’s no smooth way to start a manajablog, except to dive head first with a heart of well intentions and a belly of regret. Lets do this!

Triple Threat Match!

Lance Armstrong vs Neil Armstrong vs Louis Armstrong!

(B the W, This is will more epic than Kurt Angle vs The Rock vs The Undertaker at Vengeance 2002. Seems impossible huh?)

The Case For Neil Armstrong

Cheaper by the Dozen

Twelve. That’s how many people have ever walked on the moon. Twelve: the same number of toes Tommy has; the same number of kids Lisa and Matt will end up having. There have been 8 more Survivor winners than people who have walked on the room.

This really should be the only argument. Neil was the first human being to walk on a heavenly body. 70 years before, we were still using horse and buggies. So in 70 years we went from horses to walking on the moon which is 238,857 miles away. He was the perfect candidate to be the first. He fought in Korea, was a professor, and contrary to popular belief, was the first person to say "Boom Goes the Dynamite".

(I am embarrassed that I have even to address this but I fear that Lisa and Tommy will try to use the whole "The Moon Landing was a Conspiracy" argument. I would hope that you guys wouldn't rest the hopes of your posts in such a problematic and flawed argument. Moreover, I would like to think you guys would take the high road and and choose not to be divisive communists especially during this uncertain political and economic time. So I would like to thank you ahead of time for choosing to be classy patriots as opposed to pinko commie trash.)

The Cases Against Lance and Louis (Lance and Louis sounds like an early 80s sitcom starring Scott Baio and Peter Scolari )

The Case Against Lance

For the record, I usually make it a habit to make “cases against” cancer survivors- you better watch out, Uncle Jim! If you google "Lance Armstrong, Jerk" 45,900 results come up. That almost speaks for itself. (Incidentally, if you google "Lisa, Snuggie Obsession" you get 35,670 results and if you google "Tommy, Shamwow Guy, South Beach, DUI, Illegal Lemurs" you get 1.5 million results.)

Also, think of those guys you know with the bluetooth headset and call you things like "Chief" or ask "Hows it hanging" and quote Dane Cook jokes; almost every time those guys wear yellow "Livestrong" Bracelets.

Hasn't he also cheated on like every wife he's had? He just can't help soaking up the sun if it makes him happy.

The Case Against Louis

What do Jazz, the Dodge Viper, Brokeback Mountain, and the Green Party all have in common? Besides being on Lisa's facebook "about me". They are overrated. Jazz is tremendously overrated. Jazz is like a cool stepdad- you really want to like him but deep down you’re just not feeling it. I don't care how many XBox games you buy for me, "Jeff", you're not my real dad. For more thoughts on how dumb jazz is please check out this video from the secretary of defense, Paul F Tompkins.

Jazz is Dumb

Hey- what the heck is a Satchmo? Jazz is dumb.

Lisa and Tommy, you are trying to argue that a jazz man and a guy who rides a bike are better than the first man to walk on the Moon? Tommy- you've been a "Family Feud" champion- which is less cool than walking on the moon. Lisa, you've….well…. I'm sure you'll do something cool and it will be significantly less cool than walking on the moon.

One small step for a blog, one giant punch in the face to Lisa and Tommy.

Thanks for playing Tommy, and Lisa- run a comb through your hair

Hello Tommy, how is law school? And hello John, how is funny school? I’m sure both of you are learning tons. Sometimes I like to imagine the two of you in an alternate universe that is actually occurring at the same time as the reality that we are conscious of. It’s funny because John is actually morbidly obese – our breakup really messed with him. Tommy, life isn’t so different for you but you did take your life as a CF incredibly seriously and you’re now the Father Fred of Swig. Let me tell you, your penthouse is breathtaking. Enough of life in an alternate sideways universe, let’s talk about some people that share a last name. No, not Reggie and George Bush, I’m talking about Lance, Louis, and Neil Armstrong. I think the winner of this battle should be determined on the cycling course. Neil’s prosthetic hip automatically disqualifies him and Louis is dead, soooo I guess the winner is Lance! I’ll tell you why he’s a worthy winner in case you didn’t like the logic of the bike race.

He rides bikes – and bitches

SO he gets married, has some kids and dumps his wife for Sheryl Crow – upgrade! Then he dumps Sheryl Crow for Tory Burch – upgrade (if you want free shoes, which I do). Then he dumps Tory Burch for Kate Hudson – another upgrade! So then he comes back down to earth and starts dating some normal chick. Considering the whole one testicle thing, people thought he couldn’t have a kid but BOOM he put one in that normal girl.

Break records – make moneys

He won the Tour de France 7 times. The closest someone else got to that is winning it 5 times. I don’t know if you can do math as quickly as I can, but that’s 2 more times than that other guy. That’s the same number of times it took Tommy to pass 12^th grade. So what if drugs may have been involved. Who doesn’t use drugs? In the alternate universe even Tommy the Father Fred of Swig uses drugs. Food is John’s drug unfortunately.

He beat cancer like Chris Brown beat…too soon.

Testicular cancer makes even the strongest men drop to their knees. Tom Green, Scott Hamilton, and the infamous subway shooter Bernhard Goetz – they all had cancer of the balls. Now, it’s great that they all overcame it, but Lance fought it, won, and now he still has the balls to compete in a sport in which he must carefully balance on that one testicle to ride his bike. I don’t know much about anatomy, but I imagine it would be easier to balance on two.

The Case Against the Other Armstrongs

Let’s take this one step at a time. Yes, John that is a quote from Step it Up, calm down. Neil; I’m still not convinced that you landed on the moon. There were shadows, the flag was waving and if you look really closely you can see the ceiling of the warehouse they staged the whole thing in. Plus, who was holding the camera when he stepped on the “moon?” That guy got no credit. Just like the guy who writes John’s jokes. Well he probably is quite ashamed of his work so let’s just let him remain anonymous.

Louis; I don’t like jazz and it really sounds like you need to clear your throat.

I really enjoyed our chat guys. We haven’t all been in the same place since Bay to Breakers last year. Remember that? Of course you don’t Tommy. I can’t wait until the next time we meet even if it is for Tommy’s court date – I believe you Tommy, that kid totally deserved it.

Greeting

I won’t lie. I don’t follow blogs. Much less this one. Seems like a waste of time.

When I was invited (read: begged) to lay some thoughts down on the blogosphere as a personal favor to my friends John and Lisa, I thought to myself, “Hey, how bad could it be? No one will read this anyway.” My initial plan was to begin by exchanging pleasantries with my counterparts, maybe compliment their looks, taste, etc. And then I read some of their older posts. It seems these two do not exchange pleasantries at all; in fact, they are downright rude to each other!

Well, as Bill Gates always said, if you can’t blog about anything nice, don’t blog about anything at all. You big idiot jerkfaces.

Heroes: Not Just a CNN Special

“And they say that a hero can save us.

Im not gonna stand here and wait.

I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles.

Watch as we all fly away.”

-Nickelback, on Spiderman

We live in a world of heroes. Trust me, I’m a law student. (Pay attention to the well-organized legal writing style.)

“But Tommy, what is a hero? What does it mean to be heroic? How did you ever get into law school?” Well, General Public, I’m glad you asked. I myself have been called a hero on a number of occasions….OK, not me, but a guy I know….OK, I have seen a lot of the show “Heroes” on ABC…OK, I haven’t, but I’ve been told it’s compelling. I pretty much know what I’m talking about here, so let me break it down for you.

There is no clear-cut definition of heroism; rather, we can only know heroism when we confront it directly. Off the top of my head, here are a few key examples of heroes we should all know: Tiger Woods; Chris Brown; John Mayer, Sarah Palin. These are people who have done extraordinary things for the benefit of mankind and have been on TV. Have you ever been on TV, John or Lisa? Didn’t think so.

Segue Making Fun of Opponents

But pointing those people out is like making fun of John for being a crappy drunkà it’s too easy! The real challenge to answering Chad Kroeger’s impatient prayers is identifying the UNSUNG heroes; i.e. identifying Lisa as a crappy drunk.¹ Ladies and gentlemen, please let me introduce one such unsung hero…

The Case for Louis Armstrong

Satchmo. Pops. The voice behind “What a Wonderful World,” Louis Armstrong was a musical revolutionary and cultural icon. He is perhaps best known for his raspy singing voice, a physical characteristic not unlike John’s radioactive birthmark, or Lisa’s midget-feet. These traits are one of a kind. Let’s take a deeper look…

A Deeper Look

Here is a deeper look.

He Could Give You the “Heebie Jeebies” In a Good Way

Louis Armstrong was a jazz prodigy whose talents were honed in the most unsavory of childhoods. Hey Por-Bine, you ever have someone call your mother a whore? Didn’t feel good, did it? (I know from first hand experience that you can’t even tell John “Yo’ Mama” without him responding with a roundhouse kick.) Well, Louis Armstrong’s mother actually was a prostitute.

One positive that came out of this was that Louis spent his childhood in and out of New Orleans’ red light district. In these environs, he was exposed to the cradle of Jazz music. Ever been to New Orleans? Let me give you an analogy. If America is Middle Earth, and the rings of power are all the different musical styles, then Jazz is definitely the One Ring, and New Orleans’ red light district is the fire of Mount Doom. (Admittedly, this analogy can only go so far, as I am not sure whether Louis Armstrong is Lord Sauron or Frodo Baggins, and you, General Public, will have likely quit reading this and checked facebook by now.) Regardless, New Orleans Jazz is a big deal. (And I think that Dr. Dre is Gandalf.)

Musically, the dude had some CHOPS. Cornet. Trumpet. Skat singing. (Google the song “Heebie Jeebies.”) Name a famous musician of the 20^th century; Armstrong performed with them. Name a classic old-timey tune that appears in a modern-day romantic comedy; Armstrong sang it. In 1964, his record “Hello, Dolly!” reached #1 on the pop charts, making him the oldest person to ever do that; in so doing, he knocked the Beatles out of the #1 spot which they had occupied for 14 weeks. That would be like my Grandma Delores beating Shaun White in the snowboarding half-pipe. Unprecedented, and way gnarly.

“High Society”

Louis was a movie star, philanthropist, and ambassador. He got around, and hung out with some pretty cool people. (I’m talking like Cal Phi cool.) He appeared in over a dozen films, performing with the likes of Bing Crosby and Barbara Streisand. Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday were his roll dawgs. Frank Sinatra, Johnny Carson, and Merv Griffin were honorary pallbearers at his funeral. He met two popes. That’s a lot of popes.

Also, Armstrong was a major financial supporter of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and other civil rights activists. (Keep this in mind, and remember that Lance Armstrong and George W. Bush ride mountain bikes together). Armstrong's criticism of President Eisenhower’s inaction during the conflict over school desegregation in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957 made national news. As a protest, Armstrong canceled a planned tour of the Soviet Union on behalf of the State Department. He was all like, “Nuh uh, Dwight.” And all like “Oh No You Didn’t, State Department!”

Dude had principles.

“A Kriss to Build a Dream On”

Louis knew that lookin’ good doesn’t just happen by itself. (Unless you are me.) Armstrong made frequent use of laxatives as a means of controlling his weight, his preference being the herbal remedy Swiss Kriss. He advocated this practice in diet plans he published under the title Lose Weight the Satchmo Way. His slogan was "Satch says, 'Leave it all behind ya!”

Hilarious, and a pioneer in the field of colon cancer prevention. What else can you ask for?

(Please let it be noted that John and Lisa are the exact opposite of these thingsà Lisa is un-hilarious, and John doesn’t even have a gall bladder.)

Verdict

Great musician, great man, took big poops to keep slim. Verdict: Hero.

Case Against Lance

Alright Lisa, given your propensity for falling in love with in-shape white guys, it was obvious that you would be defending Lance, the lamest of these three Armstrongs. Let me show you how Lance is actually a Zero parading around as a hero…

Ways Lance Armstrong is Actually a Zero Parading Around As a Hero

Lance Armstrong is not a hero. Here is why.

He Probably Cheated

If there is one thing that this last decade has taught us, it is that everyone and their mom was on steroids at one point. Shoot, I’m on them right now. For your average Irish-Catholic law student who does weekend stints as an underwear model, steroids are fine. Tough on the ol’ undercarriage, but get a few well-placed grapes or ping-pong balls, and steroids are just fiiine.

But I’m not a world-class athlete. There are rules against these things, rules that keep pretty much everyone on the same physical level and ability to compete.

Dude won 7 Tour de Frances in a row. The Tour de France, the hardest/most competitive race in the sport of cycling…and Lance won 7 in a row…after beating cancer…when Floyd Landis couldn’t win one without PED’s…and he won 7 in a row. I have never won 7 of anything in a row.

I’m skeptical. I don’t want to make any crazy or insulting statements, but Lance Armstrong is (probably) the dirtiest cheater in the history of dirty cheaters.

Texan By Birth, Douchebag by Choice

Don’t get me wrong, I bleed whiskey just like the rest of my fellow Texans, but there are certain things I dislike about my home state. Lance Armstrong is numero uno (Texan for “number 1”). In his biography, “It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life,” Lance throws his hometown under the bus because when he was in high school, people thought that bicycle racing was stupid, and thus nobody gave the sport the respect Lance thought it deserved.

Normally I don’t mind it when authors bash their hometowns; in fact, one sort of expects that great authors have conflicted relationships with the places where they grew up. There are two problems with this theory in Lance’s case.

Lance is not William Fucking Faulkner.

His hometown is MY hometown.

Plano, Texas is one hell of a city, and I will pistol-whip anyone that says any different.

Am I biased? Perhaps. But maybe because I share the view of Lance’s Planoan antagonists, which also happens to be my next point…

Bicycle racing is stupid.

Bicycle racing is stupid. What are we, 8? Play football, you fairy.

Verdict

Zero. And the color yellow is dumb.

Case Against Neil

Sabine, we get it. You were a nerdy kid, and now that you are a self-actualized 20-something hipster, it’s actually really cool that you were in to things like Space when you were 9.

Newsflash: WRONG! Space is for nerds and always will be. By definition, nerds can never be heroes, and Neil Armstrong exemplifies this.

Reasons Why Neil Armstrong is a Nerd

Here are the reasons why Neil Armstrong is a nerd…

He gives lame nicknames.

First there was “Buzz” Aldrin, and then there was “Rocket Man” John Glen. Oh, and let’s NOT forget “Ride Sally Ride” Sally Ride, “Movie Guy” Tom Hanks, and “Apollo Ohno.” The list goes on and on. So nerdy.

We are still waiting on those aliens.

It is a known fact that the reason we even went to the moon in the first place was to make contact with alien life forms. No thanks to Neil Armstrong, we never found them. What is the hold up, Neil? Did you forget to bring up the space fruit basket as a moon-warming gift? Did you leave a thank you note for the moon rocks you harvested? Did you forget your space manners at Astronaut training? God, whatever happened to propriety? If we don’t find any chewbaccas in the next 10 years, we have only Neil Armstrong to blame.

Nerdy first name.

Neil is among the nerdiest names around. My youngest brother is named Neil, and he used to wear suspenders. Viz a Viz, Er Go, and such and such. I think I’ve cemented my point.

Verdict

Nerd Alert!!

Conclusion

That about wraps it up for me. John, Lisa, I look forward to reading your points, and secretly plotting my revenge in the blogosphere.

As for you, General Public, go be heroic. And use me as a reference.

Colts vs Saints

2010-02-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

How has your decade been, Lisa? I can’t wait till VH1 does “Worst Decade Ever" and its all about you. Michael Ian Black has some hilarious observations about your terrible life.

Big Sports Week- and no I am not talking about Junior Goodwill hockey final between USA and Team Iceland. (although I hear that the USA goalie is fat and the rest of team gets into madcap high jinx) Its Superbowl week and instead of debating which team will win- Its time to put to bed the age old rilvary....

Colts vs Saints!

My name is John Michael and although I have Saints to thank for my awesomley unique first and middle names there is no way Saints are better Colts. Saddle up - listen to Motown Filly- it will beHOOF you to take to this in.

So during college I dated the Horse Whisperer's step daughter. For the sake of anyomity we'll call her Krysten Swensen. During the 1.8 times I met said Whisperer he passed along to me the wisdom and spirit of these majestic creatures. Side note- turns out if you want to get something or someone to do what you want all you have to do is whisper. Thats it. I tried it on my local Mountain Dew delivery man and lets just say I am sitting pretty on top of the mountain. (was that metaphor clear? he gave me alot of Mountain Dew- thats what I'm trying to convey.)

One sun-drenched August day The Whisperer offered me his most wild filly, "Condoleeza". I cautiosly approached the irritable beast, got inches away from her left ear and whispered "Hey Horsy- dont be butthead." Her eyes flashed to mine and we stood there frozen in time- the Western Sun setting behind the cumbersome hill- but at that moment I knew she was mine. Then The Whisperer and I rode to the top of Big Horn, he offered me a Malboro Red, I declined; and as we stood looking out at the serene plains of the Equality State he turned and whispered, "Jeff, let me tell you the history of these beasts; these Colts...."

For the next 3 hours he ragailed me with the the rich history but to be honest it was hard to hear what with the whispering and all. However I did pick up on some important dates I would be remiss if I didnt pass them along.

- May 1, 1523- The Festival of Spring. Hastings the Blacksmith is given a horse as a gift then immediately looks in the horse's mouth- the town is outraged- Hastings is hanged...hung? which one is it?

- November 13 1887- Glue is invented in Ireland- horses weep. This day is henceforth known as "Gluey Sunday"

- January 4th 1902- German Car Manufactuer BMW coins the term "horse power" to describe the power of its automobile. 108 years later, the term is still used even though no one understands that frame of reference.

- August 11 1989, John James Sabine returns home from work to find his son 5 year old son, John Michael Sabine playing with a "My Little Pony". John James fixes himself a stiff drink.

With the Milky White Crescent moon guarding over the slumbering prairie, he whispered something to his charcoal stallion- she let out a booming “niegghhh” and he and her flew off. He literally flew into the sky- I never saw him again.

That night I learned that Colts are a huge part our history-Colts have helped us fight our wars and deliver our mail. Without Colts, Paul Revere would not have been able to make his midnight ride and Toby Maguire would not have been able to make a movie with Jeff Bridges. In some weird way we are more indebted to Colts than Saints. Also I bet you can name more famous horses than you can name Saints. And don’t say St Francis of Assisi- that’s a copout.

The Case Against Saints

I am waiting in line for confession as I write this- who knew that St Ida's Church has wifi but not a public restroom?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Besides Mother Theresa, Oprah, and Lisa’s husband, Matt, can you name a modern era Saint? I get it – if you got your head chopped off in 325 AD you got to become a saint. I know what you’re thinking, Lisa “But 325 AD- wasn’t that when Constantine 1 called for the Council of Nicaea and established which Gospels to use, when Easter should be (after the first full moon following the vernal equinox- duh) as well as the Nicene Creed??” Shut up Lisa!

Do you believe in Miracles??

Becoming a Saint is harder to than getting Lisa’s attention during a “Man vs Food” marathon on the Travel Channel. Did you know that you have to have 3 miracles attributed to you in order to become a saint? That means if you bring someone back to life and walk on water- that’s not enough Miracles. But in order to increase my chances of becoming St. John the Gaunt, I am going to sit here and Rent “Miracle”, eat some Miracle Whip, while listening to “Miracles” by Jefferson Starship- that’s 3 right there. Easy Peasy Jeezy Creezy.

This Sunday when you are in between watching Viagra commercials and eating Totinos Pizza Rolls deciding who to cheer for- remember that Colts, not Saints, that helped tame this wild country- from sea to shining sea. You might even call it Peyton Manning-fest Destiny.

I hope the Saints march all over you Lisa.

Well, John we meet again. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog’s Day? This blog has made my life feel like I’m trapped in that movie. I wake up, get on Gmail, and you harass me about useless crap. What’s your favorite Nick Cage movie? What should we write about next? Take a look at this rash and tell me if you think it’s normal. Over and over and over again. WHEN WILL I WAKE UP?!

So we’re here to discuss a question that a lot of people will bet money on. Who is better – colts or saints? Let’s get this going – I have a delicious dinner in the oven…at Outback.

Get in touch with your roots, John – stop dying your hair.

Saints are so important that 98% of California cities are named after them. Where is your loyalty, John? You went to Santa Clara in San Jose…which is near Santa Cruz and San Francisco. You know – our rivals were kinda Saint Mary’s? You would think that with all of these saints around you for four of your most impressionable years you would have a little respect. St. Swig would be disappointed. And no, I’m not talking about Lester.

A Term of Endearment

Thanks darling, you’re a colt. No. That doesn’t work at all. If you call someone a saint, you’re insinuating that they’re just swell. If you call someone a colt, they would maybe think you’re calling them a pistol and they might take that as a come on. This is bound to cause confusion.

Historicalness

Saints are important. Any Catholic person can tell you that ahemJOHN. Apparently, if you’re a Saint that means you’re in heaven. Now, let’s not get too deep here, that’s not my style, but if there is a heaven, we would all like to be there. However, I doubt many of my favorite TV shows play there – so maybe I’ll pass. If they have Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ll go.

The Case Against Colts

Underage

Colts can’t even get it on. They’re four or younger. They probably can’t even get big horse boners. Their voice cracks, they smell horrible, their acne is painful to look at, and they just sleep ALL the time. All the mares out there agree that they’re completely worthless.

I’m not going to pretend to know too much more about colts – only this. If a saint tried to fight a colt, the colt would probably win. BUT the saint would go to heaven and then the joke’s on that stupid colt. Chew your cud you dummy.

I hope you don’t have play practice or dance rehearsal on the Superbowl, John. That would really threaten your manhood. That, and you’re Adam Lambert CD collection. If you can, tune in to watch your poor prepubescent colts get whipped by some holy old guys.

Football vs Soccer

2010-01-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I just want to clear up a rumor. Yes Lisa and I sometimes gamble with each other. And Yes Lisa has been on a hot streak as of late. And Yes I may or may not owe Lisa $46,000 dollars. But when I mailed her 3 Samurai Swords with a note that said “Choose One” – I meant it as a joke. And when I tweeted “Lisa btter step off bc she know that I gots swordz!” it was just a continuation of the original joke- a “callback” is what we call it in the biz. Plus it wasn’t that dangerous. The Swords were in their sheaths. But I accept responsibility for my actions and have already reached out to Tony Dungy for guidance.

In other news, my celebration of the first Cowboys playoff victory since I was in 6th grade was marred by Lisa and I would like to address it:

Lisa, your Romophobia is appalling. For the last time- I cant “choose” whether or I am a Tony Romo fan, I guess I’ve always been one but now I’m out with it. And for the first time, better or worse, I feel like myself- why can’t you accept that? I expected more from you, Lisa. You, Sir, are a rabid Romophobic. Which leads me to…

Football vs Soccer!

I get it Lisa, you studied abroad in college and it “totally changed your life”. You lie and tell people that Nutella is better than Peanut Butter because you think it makes you sound more cultured. You watched 2.8 soccer games in a pub and you bought one of those soccer scarves so you think you’re a fan. Well Lisa, you aren’t the Queen of England and soccer is sport for 8 year olds.

I know its easy, being from Seattle, to turn your back on America- that city is practically a principality- but remember that America is at war- remember these colors don't run- remember Beyonce had on of the best videos of all time. Football is American Lisa, don't hate America.

The Case for Football

You’re Everywhere to Me

With NFL Network, Twitter, Direct TV, Blogs, and Espn, you can consume football around the clock. It never ends. Its perfect for fans. Football is total nonstop action 24/7/365 till 2012. During the season- it can be the only form of entertainment you ingest and you can still never be satisfied. Can Soccer say that? Probably not- there are too many leagues and sexy Dutch car commercials.

Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

Fantasy Football is awesome. If it wasn’t for Fantasy Football men in their 20s and 30s would have nothing to talk about. The corporate work environment would be silent. If Fantasy Football didn’t exist men would have to talk about things like their feelings and, Sisters, we know that’ll never happen! And how come men always NEED to have the remote control- and they’re always checking their Iphones- I mean its like “Helloooooo I’m right here- can’t we have a conversation for once- is that so difficult??” Anyway- Fantasy Football is awesome.

My Bowl is Super! Thanks for asking!

Q. What is the lowest crime day every year?

A. Superbowl Sunday! (I didn’t check this it just seems right)

Using that made up fact- if we just had the Superbowl every day America would have low crime! Who doesn’t want that? Superbowl Sunday probably beats most holidays. Great food- hilarious commercials- gambling- way past their prime rockers from the 70s- unwanted nipples- it has it all!

The Case Against Soccer

Q: What’s the Hardest thing about playing Soccer?

A: Telling your dad gay rollerblade jokes.

1-0 What a Gripping Game!

Nothing really happens. Out of the whole game maybe 2 or 3 goals happen. That’s it. I’m not trying to rent Devil’s Advocate- I’m just being honest.

"Athlete’s" Foot?

Who’s the biggest soccer star in America? Landon Donovan? He looks like the not famous Lawrence brother. If he was more athletic he would’ve tried to play football or basketball but he looked around and said- whelp if all the Larry Fiztgeralds and Michael Vicks are doing football- I’ll try soccer.

I know people are going to fake excitement for the South African World Cup- Sure it might be a little more fun that District 9- But I also know everyone who reads this will be at a Super Bowl Party this year. And it will be an awesome time. Soccer is just an excuse for nations to hate each other by using a sport to mask their deeply rooted prejudice. Yeah, I said it. 2010 is all about getting real.

There is one exception to the Soccer is lame argument and its this guy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Cooper

Let the record show that Kenny Cooper is the man.

Hey Lisa- if you get the Swine Flu is it just called the Flu? Go Cowboys- Get Real- 2K10.

I get it, John. You’re an American. An American that wears a Longhorns T-shirt and hat with tennis shoes in swanky London town. I get it – we all get it, you suck. Really you don’t have to point that out anymore.

Do you know who’s cooler than John? You’re right – everyone, but I was thinking of Europeans particularly. You know what Europeans do besides drink a hell of a lot? They play soccer. Ok, I know it’s not entirely correct to call it soccer, but I’m an old dog that can’t learn new vocabulary. The rest of the world is enamored with the sport, and while we try, it’s a pretty lame attempt. Not as lame of an attempt as the XFL, but that’s not on the agenda today. Why is soccer so cool you ask? Let me tell you.

David Beckham – he is incredibly attractive.

Cool Team Names

We feel some weird obligation to name our teams after animals. It’s weird. There are rare cases in which a panther or an eagle excelled in a sport. European soccer teams are usually cool sounding words that we can’t really pronounce right, but when you do try to say them it sounds like you’re really cultured. “Excuse me, kind sir did you happen to catch the final score of the Valencia Mallorca match? I do say, the calls were poppycock.”

Chanting – not the cult kind, the cool kind

What do we have? Deee-fense deee-fense. That’s about it. It seems like every soccer team has a song, a choreographed dance, a toast that they do at the local pub, hand motions, smoke signals - all that cool stuff.

Hooligans

I don’t know if everyone has seen Green Street Hooligans here, but it’s awesome. I like to imagine that every soccer team in Europe has a little Elijah Wood running around who is actually far more threatening than his size would indicate. Anyway, he starts fights and stuff and uses things like spiky clubs to whack the crap out of the other teams’ hooligans. I’m pretty sure that happens in real life, and that rocks.

Stamina

[Insert inappropriate sexual joke about John’s stamina here]. Soccer players run for 90 minutes. American football players start – stop – start – stop, and if you’re one of those fat guys who just stands there like a fat guy that no one can get around, you don’t even really have to run. Where, I ask you is the athleticism there? And if you’re really lucky, you can be a kicker who just goes out once in awhile, but still can’t seem to find a matching pair of shoes. Get it together, man.

The case against American Football

Homoeroticism

In what other sport does a grown man who “swears he likes women” place his hands directly under the junk of another man? Nope, no other sports, just American football. I’ll bet Tony Romo digs that.

Convicts and crappy human beings.

I’m just going to throw it out there – professional football players tend to be douchebags. They fight dogs, they shoot their own foot, they get DUIs galore, and they can’t make decisions about retirement. Soccer players hug each other when they make goals and they don’t have uncontrollable roid rage.

I realize that there are some people who will think I’m “un-American” by saying that soccer is cooler than football, but there are a lot of American things that should probably be revaluated like Texas. Secede already – you’re dragging us down.

By the way – John doesn’t even watch football. What’s the Cowboy’s record anyway John? WRONG – it is not Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits. Idiot stick.

90's vs. 00's

2009-12-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year’s everyone!! Wow, I really had to force that one. Maybe I’m not very enthused because this New Year’s is kinda, well, blah. Yeah it’s the end of the decade, but maybe I’m not buying it because the excitement of Y2K is so fresh in my mind. Partying like it was 1999 was NOT just a song…it was a state of mind. The 90’s rocked – and not just in a flannel wearing kind of way. I’ll just toss out a few highlights – you can take them or you can throw them right back, but you’ll probably take them, lean back in your chair, stroke your chin, and say something to the effect of “those were the good ol’ days.” Well, you’re 25, stop saying that crap, you haven’t been alive long enough.

Television

TGIF

I’m going to put past debates behind me and say that all of the shows featured on TGIF were awesome. While it make have started in 1988, hear me out. The fame and fortune of TGIF (which actually means Thank Goodness it’s Funny – you can use that as your fun party fact now), was realized in the 90’s. Shows like Step by Step, Family Matters, Full House, and Boy Meets World all graced the line-up. Enter Debbie Downer 2000’s and you get crap like Two Guys and a Girl (about as hard to watch as two girls one cup), Norm and *poof *that’s the end of TGIF.

SNICK

SNICK formed me as an adult. It is because of SNICK that I won’t watch scary movies (I still have nightmares from Are You Afraid of the Dark), it is because of SNICK that I have a huge obsession with those hats with the giant flower on the front (thank you Clarissa), and it is because of SNICK that I have a recurring dream that I can turn into silvery liquid. Again, here comes 2000 and you’re stuck with The Amanda Show (she’s about as funny as that one time John emceed a funeral) and the un-funny version of All That (sans Kenan and Kel).

Music

Grunge

Ok, some would say that it really started in the 80’s, but it was in full swing by the early 90’s. Being from Seattle, I have to mention this game-changing genre of music. This was bigger than Kurt Cobaine, although even on his way out he still was trying to make it all about him. It was about flannel, not washing your hair, and saying really inappropriate things like “rape me,” and having it be ok because you’re just trying to be alternative. Rape me 90s…rape me.

Girl Power and Boy Bands

I don’t care what you say, somewhere deep down you either like N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, or Spice Girls – maybe all four – which is perfectly ok if you ask me. It made parting your hair down the middle cool for boys and being kinda dyke-ish as long as you’re skinny and wear tight track pants ok for girls. Those are contributions that will never be forgotten.

Movies

Titanic

I saw Titanic 8 times in the theater. Now, movies weren’t $15 like they are now, but that was still some serious money for a 7^th grader. That movie can make a grown lumberjack who hunts baby deer and then laughs when the mommy deer comes to find her baby decapitated cry. Also, the Titanic was so long, how long you say? It was so long it took up TWO VHS tapes!

Forrest Gump

This is definitely in my top 5 – and if you have a friend named Jenny, Dan or you like boxes of chocolates I guarantee you’ve benefited from this movie. Similarly if you have a friend named Forrest you’ve probably told him to run even when it didn’t make sense, but not many people know someone named Forrest. Unless you went to Santa Clara…then you’re thinking of Forrest right now and I’ll bet you thought of a story that made you giggle.

Al Gore Invents the Internet

Do you love facebook? Do you love reading our blog? Well let's pretend the 90's never happened - these things would be as impossible. Yeah, we might be smarter because we would actually retain information instead of just always saying - f it, I'll just google it, but think of the things we're capable of now thanks to the internet! For example, John wouldn't be able to browse Craigslist's erotic services for his Saturday night dates. Do do do do do do - do (Mario theme).

2000’s lowlights

9/11 – you’re not cringing because I went too far; you’re cringing because that is on record as the worst day ever. Thanks a lot 2000’s. Is that what I should call it? 2000’s? I still don’t actually know. Maybe it should be 00’s, or single digit years, or double O’s…you make me feel so stupid Oh-Oh’s!

Bush.

Katrina.

Darfur.

Afghanistan.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s breakup.

Iraq.

Wow – come to think of it, I’m really excited for this New Year’s. That means all that crap is behind us. This is where I could get really emotional about how Obama is the hope on the horizon, but I don’t want to sound too trendy. Well John, I hope this New Year’s you stick to your resolution of gaining the weight and KEEPING it on, and I hope you find the strength to quit Mountain Dew. Oh, and I hope you close your eyes to zero in on your midnight kiss and it actually turns out to be a porcupine. An ugly porcupine.

I hope everyone had a Wonderful Christmas.!

Lisa. I hope yours was adequate.

Yes I do hate Lisa more than Borat hates Gypsies. I know what you are thinking- a Borat reference now?? Well its in the end of the decade so this battle will be chock full of pop culture references from the 2000-2009, Your mom goes college!

Lisa we don’t along; its just a fact of nature. We are like Snooki and The Situation, Chinese Gymnasts and legitimate birth certificates, White Tigers and Roy, or Napster and Metallica. (you forgot about Napster huh? You know who didn’t? Skeet Ulrich.)

The 1990’s vs 2000’s

I know that the 2000’s on the surface may not seem like a clear cut winner. Two recessions, one 9/11, one Katrina, and two Wars looks terrible. But let me work it, I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Lets see this decade as half full as Octomom saw her uterus.

Lisa you are going to fold just like Enron…or Lehman Brothers….or Pets.com…or Circuit City….actually- maybe economy jokes are still too soon.

The Case for 2000’s

I AM Somebody!

This was the decade that the first person singular became important. Where regular ole people could tell the world about their thoughts and feelings and their day to day activity. This blog is a perfect example, we write dumb sentences for like the dozen or so people who read this but I know someone in Japan has clicked on this site and found out that I like Zach Morris more than Slater. That’s loco ese. In the 1990’s we didn’t have facebook. How would I know that pirates hate ninjas. Or that according to my little cousin “finals are sucky and parents took away phone FML”??

The 2000’s made us feel important. We supplied the internet with personal information regardless of demand. This ain't reality TV!

IPOD Therefore I am (I take that back)

Have you seen these things? You can fit like thousands of CDs onto them- take that 90s. You’re my boy, Blue!

Barack Obama

The 90s ended with the first black president and the 00’s are ending with first real black president. Take that 90’s: my president is blacker than yours. (Although its close)

The Television in the 2000s destroys 1990s. Sopranos, The Wire, Curb, LOST, Mad Men, Always Sunny, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Office – tv was crazy. To give you a frame of reference this decade people wondered who Jacob was- in the 90s people wondered who Wilson from Home Improvement was. Is this real life?

The Case Against the 90’s

Nothing happened. Besides the Dream Team and Clinton Scandal it was a dull 10 years. We got Jordan winning championships and a bunch of cigar jokes- that’s it. At least with 00’s something happened. I need more cowbell!

Fashion

I mean I like flannel and Doc Martens as much as the next guy but I"ve been to Lilith fair- twice! The 90s need to hang up their JNCOS and No Fear Shirts and enter the future.

Unfortunately for you, Lisa, I have a bunch references from the 2000s that I still want to use, so I thought I would write one closing argument against you to close this decade. Lisa you are like the Justin Guarini to my Kelly Clarkson. You make Omarosa look like Susan Boyle. Your arguments are as effective as the Kyoto Protocol and as real as WMDs. You are a flip flopper who should keep your opinions in a lock box. I am like Ken Jennings and you are like Janet Jackson’s nipple: shamed and exposed. Sometimes when we talk it feels like waterboarding and I secretly hope you choke on your freedom fries.

Who am I kidding, Lisa? You make my heart soar like Falcon Heene.You make me want to jump onto a couch in forced joy. Why can’t I quit you?

Happy New Years Everybody- I hope you Blackout like the Eastern Seaboard on August 14, 2003.

I’m out like the XFL and Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Cowboys vs Indians

2009-11-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody. Lisa I hope your Thanksgiving was terrible obviously. Being from Seattle, you probably woke up- went to a protest then came home to your tree house just in time to put the Tofurkey into the Ora Chamber. Sorry if that's not my cup of tea- I'm an American, Lisa. I like my turkey huge and my 2nd amendment intact.

*For the record I thought in honor of Thanksgiving we were going to debate Indians vs Pilgrims. I am very glad I that is not the case. Its hard to argue for intolerant white people. Glenn Beck I'm looking in your direction. (I don't actually know who Glenn Beck is, I just see on Facebook that people don't like him and wanted to seem cool)

Lisa is also part Native American so I have added inspiration to argue against them.

Enough Chit Chat- lets burn this wagon.

Cowboys vs Indians

The Case for Cowboys

West Gone Wild!

The Wild West was awesome. It was like Springbreak all year long. You ride horses, rob banks, drink out of jugs that say XXX, fight, then hang out with Saloon Girls. Sign me up for that fantasy camp. If they got bored they would just dual people. At high noon. You ever wonder why they dueled at NOON instead of at dawn? Because they were too hung over from the awesome night before to wake up before Noon. The piano player would even keep playing during a bar room brawl. You think that Cowboys had to sit in conference rooms at 3:45 on a Tuesday Afternoon to listen about important it is to be "proactive"?? No way man.

Legends.

Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Cody, Woody, these are but a few Cowboy Legends. Here are some lesser known Cowboys, "Tumbleweed Douglass", "Lazy Susan", "Jasper the Indifferent", "Shootin' Blanks Sam", "Loud Vegan Carl", and Teddy Roosevelt.

Duel.

No, I am not talking the riveting Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I'm talking about having a minor disagreement and risking your life over it. You said I cheated at cards? We'll lets shoot guns at each other- TOMORROW. Its the way men used to handle disputes. If you lived- you were right. It was the ultimate judge jury and executioner. Turns out Alexander Hamilton was wrong about whatever he thought was worth dying over.

Make it Work.

Cowboy Hat, Jeans, Boots. Its 2009 and millions of people still rock it. I don't see people rocking feathers out. I guess moccasins made it- but thats really it.

Tim Gunn would be proud. Plus his name is Gunn. Cowboys loved guns.

Superbowls.

5 Superbowl Victories. Not bad.

The Case Against Indians.

* I realize how problematic it is to even write the phrase "the case against Indians". I am just looking at it specifically with their relation to Cowboys. Native Americans are a important and rich people with a vibrant and interesting history- they should be celebrated. But in relation to Cowboys- they suck.

Real Estate

Indians historically have not been the best real estate agents. They gave up Manhattan for like some beads. Now I love beads just as much as the next camper in the 60's but you got to think they have some buyers remorse.

Crybabies

Lets say you are walking around eating delicious beef jerky and you can't find a trash can so you harmlessly throw it on the ground. You better check to see if any Indians are around or else you'll have to deal some EMOTION. Indians cry when they see trash its a fact. (Please note how obvious of a Trail of Tears joke would've been here. I refrained, see, Ashley?? I can act mature.....please call me back, I'll be cool- I promise)

At this point I realized how tough it was to make a case against a certain people without sounding like a flaming racist- no matter how funny it was. So I enlisted my good friend, Cowboy Lover, and Lisa Hater, Tommy DuRoss to help. Here are some nuggets he dropped

Tommy Thoughts

"If television has taught us anything, and i think we can all agree that it has, its that Indians are the bad guys"

"you think you are so cool because you crossed the Bering straights like a million years before the Europeans arrived. Yeah. Real Original."

"Pass the Peace Pipe?? No thank you, Indians. I've been to a Jason Mraz concert, thank you very much!

BOOM- There you have it. Lisa I hope your Scalp is blown. Special Thanks to Tommy, Manifest Destiny, and everyone who reads this.

Please call, Ash, hope your sister isnt still mad.

Hey John, how was your Thanksgiving?! I hope you just had a blast celebrating genocide and destruction. Oh, and I hope you were able to choke down more than your average of 4 bites per meal. If not, I hope you had one bite of everything you liked – and you didn’t barf it up.

Speaking of genocide, how about them Indians? Yeah I hear they really sucked it up this year. Talk about genocide on the field. But we’re not here to talk about baseball, we’re here to talk about the greatest people ever to walk this planet (at the same time as Dinosaurs if you ask certain people). Native Americans.

Let’s jump in my DeLorean and take a little trip. **turns knobs, pokes numbers, presses cook button** Ok, we’ve got our bagel bites, now let’s go back in time and observe the awesomeness that is the Native American.

Ingenuity

No gunpowder, no electricity and no clothes that fully covered their bottoms, but still they thrived. Just imagine yourself stuck in the wilderness with some flint and a stick. You would die for sure, but Native Americans took those little tools and ran with them. Next thing you know, they have sweet bows and arrows, teepees, sweat lodges and peyote. Enter white man – all is ruined. If it weren’t for the white man, we would have our carbon emissions reduced by about a million percent, women could still walk around topless, and we definitely wouldn’t have STDs. Just imagine that world – John’s doctor bills would be almost non-existent.

Drugs

They were cool with them. In fact, a boy had to trip pretty hardcore to become a man. Then he came back, told everyone what he saw and they decided his name based on that. That’s why there are so many interesting Native American names out there. I’m looking at you, Boy-Who-Laughs-At-Anything. Plus, we can thank Native Americans for the bong and tie-dye.

They keep their friends close and their enemies scared shitless

All of those cowboys and Indians movies will prove that without a doubt the cowboys were terrified of Indians. Why? Because one lone Indian atop a cliff in a gorge could take out 40 cowboys with a bow and arrow. He could even call his friends from miles around without even using his cell phone. What did those lame cowboys have? Guns. Guns can’t do much for you if you’re white and drunk. That’s how John lost his baby toe, just ask him.

The Case Against Cowboys

Tony Romo

Barf.

They sound uneducated

No offense to anyone from the South, but real cowboys talk like they received a second grade education. “That them there mountain is a big un I reckon.” Native Americans have such complex languages they were commissioned by the Marines in World War 2. Yeah, I saw Windtalkers…and don’t even get me started on casting Nicholas Case and Christian Slater in that one – Hollywood is racist.

No Manners

Cowboys waltzed into the Native Americans land and were like “ummm…I’m totally lost can you help me?” Of course, Native Americans are very hospitable so they helped the white man out a little bit. They taught them how to plant corn, let them date their daughters, showed them how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and what do they get in return? Syphilis, alcoholism and an unpleasant walk to a new land.

Side note: joke’s on the white man because they happened to relocate many tribes to oil rich land. Now instead of the trail of tears, many tribes refer to it as the unpleasant trail we walked on and at the end found out we were filthy rich.

So, we have here two groups of people and it’s quite obvious who is superior. You may be saying, “but Lisa, the Native Americans were nearly wiped out by the white man.” This may be true, but let’s see who got the last laugh. Native Americans run casinos, go clamming and fishing without a license, get money each year just for being awesome, get scholarships for being a minority, and they get to make jokes about Native Americans being alcoholics without appearing to be insensitive. Just admit it, you wish you were Native American. And just admit it, John, you wish you were Andy Samberg.

Marriage vs. The Single Life

2009-10-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

Hello Balloon Boys and Hoax Girls,

What’s up Lisa?? Are you gearing up for Sonics Season?? For those who don't have the internet, Lisa recently got a tattoo of a feather on her right rib to honor her American Indian Heritage. I got to hand it to her she had no Reservations- she dove headdress first - yelled Geronimo and got inked. However I do hope the pain felt like a trail of tears...too late??

(For those scoring at home- that’s 7500 pts for 4 Native American Puns in one thought)

Not to be outdone I wanted to honor my Italian Heritage so across my back I got a tattoo of Mario eating a Meetball Footlong from Subway while wearing Boots (Cause Italy is shaped like Boot- read a book Lisa)

Marriage vs Single Life

Little Background- Lisa is married and is Pro Single I am Single and Pro Marriage. As some one who has been single for good portion of his adult life I can say honestly, without hope or agenda, that it’s a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Wait- my worst enemy is Lisa- stupid logic puzzles. Marriage is awesome.

The Case for Marriage

Rule #56 Don't Quote Wedding Crashers

Who am I kidding? Weddings are awesome. I personally plan on having several. It’s the only time in your life that all of your best friends and family will get together, drink, dance, give you bs advice, and make unnecessarily long toasts. It’s worth getting married just for the wedding- who cares if you're right for each other. You could be married for 11 years waiting in line at Costco next to an older, meaner, version of the woman you married- but if you close your eyes and remember how awesome the wedding was- it almost makes it all worth it. Almost.

LheartVE

It’s "Love is patient love is kind" not "Complete autonomy and a decently furnished condo with 2 black labs is patient and kind". Love is like the thing right? Its what inspires pop songs and domestic disputes. People go their whole life just wanting to be love- that’s it right? I'm seriously asking- I have no idea- I am not a doctor. But if given the choice between love and being alone- people would always choose love right? It’s like choosing between Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown.

Taxes.

I don’t plan on paying taxes but I hear you get some sweet tax breaks when your married.

The Case Against Single Life

Dying Alone.

When you single- you die alone. That sounds terrible. Your funeral has like 7 people and 2 of them are middle-aged men you never met in person but chatted with on a Dallas Mavericks Web Forum. The Horror. You need someone to go out with- It gives your whole life validation You want somebody to be miserable and wear black for a year after your death You want someone you can whisper- "if you remarry I will haunt you forever" to right before you take your last breath. Its only natural.

Trust Me.

Lisa- you can't get more single than me. It’s terrible. Here’s the difference between Marriage and Single Life

Married Life

You come home to a house with a loving husband and you guys have dinner together. You might do cool husband/wife dinners like "Taco Night" or might even join a supper club with other newlyweds. When you do the dishes you say cool things like "you wash I dry?" then you laugh and laugh about sharing health benefits. Then you guys walk your dog together in the park. Then you go to your Queen Size bed you read "Eat Pray Love" while Matt reads "Freakanomics" You tell each other "I love you" then go to sleep in each other's arms.

Single Life

For Dinner tonight it took me 20 minutes to decide which Campbells Chunky Soup I should eat- ( I went with Chicken Fajita) I then ate it by myself on the couch while watching 2 DVR-ed episodes of Cash Cab. Then I went to grocery store in sweatpants and Birkenstocks and hung out in the vitamin aisle for like a half an hour- just looking. I didn't even buy anything. I just looked. After I left the grocery store I thought "Dang- I forgot to get AA batteries" which happens every time I leave the grocery store. Then I went home- texted obscure SNL quotes to my other single friends and went to bed alone

But I do get to play Xbox anytime I want so maybe its not all bad.

Marriage kills Single Life. I hope Matt dutch ovens your bed tonight Lisa.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. HORSES HATE CARRIAGES. Now, Sabine is single and I think he has placed marriage on a pedestal. While my marriage is pretty much perfect, there are many that are not. The divorce rate is 50%...that’s higher than Bush’s approval rating which doesn’t say a whole lot, but still. For many people in America, marriage blows. Here’s why…

Movie Nights

What do you want to watch? Comedy. What do you want to watch? Action. DAMMIT. If you’re single you never have this problem. You flip on your tv, browse the free movies On Demand and pick one. If it sucks, you turn it off and there isn’t some annoying person next to you saying “oh, let’s give it a chance, it has Eva Mendes in it.” You might think that this isn’t a serious problem, but let me tell you why it is. You end up wasting $4.34 at Blockbuster on Grindhouse when you could have seen The Proposal (which I hear is awesome). And you’ll never get those two hours back. Never.

Closet Space

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? While your husband may only have 3 pairs of shoes, that’s 3 too many for me. I am a strong, independent woman, and my clothes that support my severe addiction to capitalism need their space dammit! I can tell you, from personal experience, the secret to a successful marriage (if such a thing exists) is separate closets. Take that Dr. Phil.

Taxes

F that, I know nothing about taxes. My husband is an accountant.

Snowball Effect

Marriage. House. Dog. Dog poop duty. All of these things are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, I’m a soldier and I handle all of them with poise and grace. Any weaker person, let’s say John, would crumble under the pressure of a mortgage. Have you ever heard of the sub prime mortgage crisis? Yeah, that was caused by the Johns of this world. Do you think John could handle a dog? No way…dogs handle John. Literally, once I saw a Cocker Spaniel grab John’s ass.

Fatness

You’ll get fatter. Trust me.

Single Life Excitement

I remember my single life. I ate my favorite cereal every night. I lived the American Dream (struggling to pay rent and make ends meet). I enjoyed not shaving my legs for weeks at a time. I would stretch out in my cold, empty bed allllllllll by myself.

All of my role models are still single. I just wish I had the courage to be more like Oprah or George Clooney, or maybe even Rosie O’Donnell. Stay single people…trust me. If you’re not careful you’ll have a really cute house, dog and a husband raking in the dough. Run…run…

Batman vs. Superman

2009-10-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

First of all I want to take full responsibility for the gap between posts. Lisa was on top of the ball and I was very busy these past two weeks. But you know what they say- those seeing eye dogs aren't going to train themselves. Lisa how has your online poker addiction going? How about you go "all in" and check into rehab finally?

Batman vs Superman?? Cakewalk. I've never done an actual cakewalk but it must be like the easiest thing you can do. So the answer is Batman. Holy slice of Funfeti Batman!

Helpful Hint. When reading this debate I suggest reading aloud using a deep raspy ridiculous voice. If you start to sound like a chain smoking muppet- then you've nailed the Batman voice!

The Case for Batman

Alter Ego

Here's a hot fresh questie. Let's say Robin Williams popped into your breakfast nook one day and said "Hey- if you had the choice to either be a nerdy journalist or a millionaire playboy who dates a new model every night"- what would you choose? 1. You probably ask Robin Williams how he got in your breakfast nook. 2 You would probably ask him to refund your money for Bicentennial Man, Jakob the Liar, and Patch Adams. 3. You'd say Millionaire Playboy for sure! 4. Seriously Mr. Williams get out of nook or I'll make you a real member of the dead poets society.

Bruce Wayne is so much cooler than Clark Kent. I feel like its a waste of our time to argue for something so universally accepted. So instead of arguing I am going to play some Free Cell.

.........

That game is dumb.

Ladies Ladies Ladies

Look if anyone knows anything about me they know I hate glass ceilings. They're impractical and hard to keep clean. I think women and men should be equal in the work place. But Lois Lane is obnoxious y'all. She is completely career centered and prone to getting captured or falling off the Daily Planet. She doesn't treat Clark very well in fact many times she belittles his small town upbringing. And while she might be "news room hot" that doesn't mean shes actually hot. I am looking at you Nancy Grace.

Bruce always gets hot models, dancers, or girl next door yet tough as nails Public Attorney's. Plus throw Poison Ivy and Catwoman in the mix Batman becomes like the Wilt Chamberlain of superheros.

Villains

If you want to become an Icon you are only as good as your nemesis. Grant had Robert E. Lee. Magic had Larry bird. Brown had his Board of Education. Batman had the Joker. Batman had Twoface. Batman had the Riddler.

Who does a Superman have? Daddy Warbucks? A rich bald guy? thats all he has to battle? I mean Kojak is scary but come on.

The Batman villains are disturbed and powerful- like a fifteen year old girl asking out a boy at a Hot Topic. Superman villains look like they should be selling you life insurance during Jeopardy commercials. Bad villains- no conflict- stupid superhero. Holy deductive reasoning, Batman!

The Case against Superman

In the name of the Father, the Yellow Sun, and the Holy Spirit

Let me tell you story. Its about a father who sends his only son to Earth. This son has gifts that he uses to selflessly help mankind. Whenever this son feels conflicted, he looks to the sky to speak to his father for guidance. The Son dies and resurrects. Sound familiar? Thats the story of Superman- yup Right Wing Christian Propaganda. While Batman was saving his hometown from corruption - Superman was brainwashing the youth of American with explicit Bible messages. Lois Lane - her first and last name both start with the same letter- same with Mary Magdalene. The villain's name was Lex LUTHOR- Martin LUTHER rebelled against the Church in 1492. So that's what they meant by "Truth Justice and the American Way"

Where's your Man of Steel now??

Night approaches. And now is the time Lisa sends her goons (Matt) onto me- why does she hunt me? Because I'm the hero Lisa vs John deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So she'll hunt me. Because I can take it. Because I'm not a hero. I'm a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

(Brushes teeth with Bat brush. Spit in Bat sink. Put in Bat retainer. Charge Bat cell phone. Read Bat Newsweek. Take Bat Tylenol PM. Turn off Bat lamp. Dream Bat Dreams)

Hey, John! Remember that time we were at Bay to Breakers and I saved your life by calling that guy who had your phone? Or that other time when I saved your life by reminding you to mind the gap in London? Or that other time when I removed your gall bladder? While I 100% regret helping you, it did make me feel pretty good. There’s a word for people like me…and that word is superhero. There’s a word for people like you, but I don’t want to offend our readership. I’ll just tell you it rhymes with bouche tag. So, as a super hero myself, I think I need to let people know who is truly superior in the battle of Batman vs. Superman. It’s all in his name…he’s super and he’s a man. Much better than a man who is a bat…bats carry disease and depressing connotations.

Sidekicks

Who needs one? Batman…that’s who. Superman is a lone wolf, a solitary soldier, a modern day Clint Eastwood, if you will. The badass one - not the talented director one. He can take care of himself and there is no need for a homoerotic friendship. Although, fun fact, at one point there was a “Krypto the Superdog.” He filled in a few gaps for Superman such as providing an acute sense of smell and a yearning for bacon. His kryptonite? Kitties.

Attire

Superman isn’t into kitschy things like dressing like animals. You know that guy who tattooed his whole face and got whiskers implanted to look like a tiger? Yeah, would you call him a superhero? No, you would call him crazy. I would also call someone who wanted to be a bat crazy. It’s simple math, people. Oh...that's right - John failed Math 6. All those "Pythagorean QUEERum" jokes did you no good, Sabine. Back to the lecture at hand, Superman’s very basic tights, speedo and cape tell me he’s into saving people…not going to some anime convention and trying to show up all the other weirdos.

He’s a one-woman man

I have 19 words for you: Lois Lane is super hot and that whole assertive reporter gig she has goin on makes her even hotter. Clark Kent yearns for her, and Superman acts on this by sweeping her off her feet cooking her a nice steak dinner, asking about her day and actually LISTENING and then he uses his superpowers to do good in the boudoir. He sounds like a dreamboat to me…much better than some bat that sires illegitimate children. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Batman. Did you know he has a son with Talia al Ghul AND Catwoman? His son’s name is Damien, and if you were to ask Damien two words to describe his father he would certainly say he’s conceited and a cheap bastard who never coughs up his child support. As for his daughter, whom Catwoman raised single handedly (power to ya sista), she is still dealing with a lot of daddy issues. She thinks he’ll come around, but we all know that won’t happen. She gets in relationships with older men thinking that will replace the void, and I think we all know how that story goes…annanicole..cough.

Kryptonite is his only weakness

Do you know where to find any kryptonite? Me neither. His only weakness (well, maybe not only, he has been know to sit down with a gallon of ice cream and get through at least half - goodness!) is something that doesn’t even really exist on Earth. If you want to find Batman’s weakness, all you need to do is distract him with a pretty lady then shoot him in the face or something. If you tried to shoot Superman in the face, he’d just run away from it since he is faster than a speeding bullet. That’s not just a colloquialism, it’s fact.

The Case Against Batman

I'm going to lay it all out there - I hate Christian Bale. Maybe it's just the tool-ish image I can't get out of my head from American Psycho, but I see Christian Bale as pastel polo wearing, Ed Hardy loving, slicked back hair kind of skeezeball. A real life tokenfratboy. Didn't he beat his mom and wife or something? And he talks funny - like there is some peanut butter stuck in his upper lip. I think I've said enough. I'm too annoyed by the image of him. I need serenity...ooh Bob Ross is on - perfect.

I hope next time you’re in trouble, John, I’m there to push you in that gap, or let your phone remain lost, or even let your gall bladder seep harmful chemicals that supposedly cause your nausea after eating a bagel bite. With the distance between us, my job has been made much harder. Just know that any friend you make in Chicago might be hired by me to make your life suck (worse). I am everywhere you look…smokebomb.

Kanye West vs Common Sense

2009-09-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Lisa, I was just taking a boat ride down the Chicago River listening to "The Way You Look Tonight" and I got to thinking. Lets make a pact. When we turn 50 and if we both are still not married; lets have one last battle in Cyborg Suits- Loser gets fed to a Robot T-Rex. Because it will be 2034 and we'll definitely have robot dinosaurs. Deal? Awesome.

So I guess all is NOT quiet on the Kanye Western Front. If you haven't heard some rapper named The Kayne West did something at something called the Video Music Awards to one time Hanson brother, Taylor Swift. In the case of West v. Common Sense this jury rules whole heartily in favor Kanye. Call me Gold Bond because I'm about to get topical.

First of all, this isn't a debate about Kanye bum rushing Taylor Swift during her speech. Of course that singular instance was wrong. This is about the bigger picture: Kayne vs Common Sense. And I think if you take a closer look you'll see there is a crystal meth-od to his madness.

The Case for Kayne West

So you think there is structure in this world? You say ridiculous things like "everything happens for a reason" or "I'm not really like a religious person but I'm very spiritual." When your friend Jesse calls while you are listening to Rick Springfield you freak out and attribute it to some higher power. What do you think this is? The LOST Island?? Nothing happens for a reason- the world is a cold sphere of randomness and chaos and Kayne West personifies this truth.

The world is unpredictable and chaotic; just look at Hurricanes, Earthquakes, or success of Two and a Half Men. We need to be on our toes at all times and Kanye is like that helpful reminder. He's that little voice that says "Y'all watch out. Things can get weird and uncomfortable at a moments notice."

Here's a hypothetical situation off the top of my head. Let's say a teenage girl, who maintains a pristine and classy image in a society that rewards promiscuity and innuendo, goes to an award show. Now this girl finally wins an award she's always dreamed of winning. She delivers a very sincere and grateful speech. Midway through her speech she must be thinking "Wow everything happens for a reason- dreams DO come true." But ladies and gentlemen- dreams don't come true- people just don't go to John Stamos' birthday party. So Kanye is off stage thinking "Its my duty to remind the world that a moments notice a crazy man can ruin this girl's night". He uses his ninja training to bypass the security guard (who is just a drunk C.T. from the Real World) he grabs the mic and drops some knowledge on the world.

Here's a clip of Kanye restoring the balance during an innocent Katrina benefit with local funny man Mike Meyers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI

Actually here's a time line of West keeping the world on its toes. It looks like a crazy person's to do list.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2009/sep/14/kanye-west-taylor-swift-timeline

The Case Against Common Sense.

This is 2009. This is America. There's no such thing as Common Sense. Common Sense is just something that gets in America's way of being awesome. "Common Sense" told us that there probably wasn't WMD's in Iraq- stupid Common Sense. In 2000, "Common Sense" told us that the historically democratic Jewish residents of Palm Beach County Florida probably meant to vote for Gore/Lieberman. But "Common Sense" forgot that it was dealing with America. Its in our DNA to go against Common Sense. Neil Armstrong didn't listen to Common Sense in 1969. Team USA Hockey didn't listen to Common Sense in 1980. Kayne West didn't listen to Common Sense in 2009.

I am told that Common Sense is also a book. Well riddle me this LaVar Burtons. What sold more copies: Common Sense by Thomas Paine or Twiilight: New Moon? Is there a Common Sense Movie coming out starring Tom Hanks with weird sort of long hair?? I didn't think so. Must not be that good of a book. And you can take my word for it.

In Kanyeclusion

Crucify Kanye if you will. But aren't you just crucifying your own fears about a chaotic and random world?? Plus if you crucify him- he'll probably like it- that dude's got a Jesus thing. Kayne has and will always be a quasi successful rapper who likes to do crazy things that will get people to talk about it for 36 hours. In fact- when this blog goes it up it'll probably already be "sooooo September 13". Thank you very much Internet!

Lisa how could you be so Heartless? Oh. How could you be so heartless?

2034. You and Me. Cyborg Suits. The Republic of New Texas. Robot Dinosaurs. Be There.

Common Sense. Hoo Hah. What is it good for? John and Kanye can’t tell ya. We all know why John doesn’t have common sense. It’s because he got his gall bladder (the common sense hormone producer) taken out in college. The good news is there are supplements available. The bad news is, John’s “job” is a ruse and he is not employed; hence, no medical insurance. Kanye, on the other hand, has no excuse. Even if he has had his gall bladder removed, he could certainly afford to purchase the common sense hormonal supplements. I mean, if he’s attracting gold diggers, as his hit song claimeth, then he’s doing fine. Here are some ways in which Kanye showed us that his common sense, like Justin’s old me, is dead and gone. Dead and gone. Dead and gone.

Legality.

Taylor Swift is 17. If I’m not mistaken (and I have made this mistake before) she is a minor, which makes her untouchable in many ways. Physically, don’t touch her. Not only does she have a huge Tongan bodyguard, but you will literally go to jail. Emotionally, don’t be an asshole to her. Think about how mentally stable you were at 17. I was ready to strangle anyone who told me I gained weight, and if some dude told me that Beyonce had a better video than me, you better bet I would decapitate him.

**Correction: She's 19, but this whole paragraph won't make sense if I change it. Deal with it.

Venue.

VMAs? Really? If you have something important to say, save it for a hard hitting news show. For example, if Kanye really wanted to get his message out, he should have gone on the View or the fourth hour of the Today Show. You’re never going to be taken seriously making bold political statements such as “Beyonce had the best video of all time” at the VMAs.

Too Bold.

Common sense would tell you to leave the “of all time” out of that statement. I’m sorry Kanye you must have missed Hasselhoff’s “Hooked on a Feeling” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8 or Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spaw8bCZMHc

Sunglasses.

He was wearing sunglasses inside. Common sense would tell a normal human like you or I that this is stupid. I don’t trust inside sunglass wearers.

Other times Kanye’s common sense clearly failed him:

2007 VMAs: Kanye resolves to never come to the show again after producers chose Britney Spears to open. She “hasn’t had a hit in years” claimed West. Don’t you dare mess with Britney…she’ll shave your head. Oh, and mighty strong resolve you have there Kanye, you came back next year.
Hurricane Katrina Telethon: “Red cross is doing as much as they can. We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way. And now they've given them permission to go down and shoot us. George Bush doesn't care about black people.” All I have to say, is poor Mike Myers who had to stand next to him as he went on his tirade. If I were Mike Myers, I would have told him to www.zipit.com
Those sunglasses with the lines through them. Ugly.

I know why John thinks Kanye is in the right. John does have a pair of those ugly sunglasses, and his baby momma car and crib is bigger than his. So, they do have a lot in common.

2009-08-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

Raise your hand if you love a crisp, refreshing beverage on a hot day. Wow, everyone, okay. Raise your hand if you hate John. Wow, everyone? I knew I hated him, but this comes as quite the surprise to me. Nah, not really. Okay, you can put your hands down now. As for the crisp, refreshing drink, you should certainly pick Coke. Coca-cola has the variety of a Mexican tienda and the reliability of Tim Gunn.

Options Galore

Did you know that Coca-Cola has a product called Bimbo? If that isn’t enough to convince you, perhaps some of my old friends will. Squirt, Dr. Pepper, Powerade, Fanta, and who needs Mountain Dew when you have Ice Dew. Lest I forget the drink of the 90s – Tab. And all of those have a diet options for those of you trying to look good in harem pants. Oh wait…no one looks good in those. Talk about a crappy trend.

Drugs

It’s not a myth (like John’s night on the town with John Stamos) it’s true!! Coca-Cola used to contain 9 milligrams of cocaine in each bottle. Then, in 1903, a bunch of party poopers decided that cocaine in your drink is “illegal.” That killed the party almost as fast as a girl talking about her study abroad experience.

Longevity

Coca-Cola has been around since 1886. What else has been around that long? Petroleum jelly, contact lenses, the electric chair and Larry King were all brought to life in 1886. Of those, I would prefer a coke. Their slogan in 1886? Drink Coca-Cola. Very succinct if you ask me.

The Case Against Pepsi

Health Hazard

Pepsi products are just about as good for you as taking Tyra Banks’ advice on health and fitness. My former friend John, as you may know, loves Mountain Dew. Well, I’m really sorry to inform you of this, John, but you are slowly shrinking your beloved wedding tackle. Yellow 5 shrinks your junk…at least that’s what I heard on Tyra.

Heavy reliance on pop stars

Coke relies on its product. Pepsi knows that its product sucks, so they reel in people like Britney Spears and Diddy to try to help them out. And might I add that the new logo looks like a Pokemon ball. So now, not only do they rely on pop stars, they are also grooming young children to become consumers of their product. Isn’t grooming a form of sexual misconduct? Shame on you Pepsi…

I implore you, to open happiness on the Coke side of life just for the thrill of it. And, John, I know the name of an excellent prosthetic doctor when you’re done doing the Dew.

Who can the make you vomit with her smile? Who can take an awesome day and suddenly make you want to drown in the Nile? Well its Lisa and you should know it. With each burp and every stupid joke you show it. Lisa really smells but we all know that. You can scare a town why don't you know that. I hope you get hit by a car. I hope you get hit by a car (Lisa throws her hat in the air then immdediately gets rocked by a PT Cruiser.)

There are two types of people in the world. Thats it. No matter what gender, religion, or late night host you identify with basically every person on Earth can be identified as a Coke person or a Pepsi person. Coke- Red. Pepsi- Blue. Its not a coinsedence that they choose those colors for Republicans and Democrats. Coke people like starting wars and golfing. Pepsi people are open new ideas and have Brita filters.

The Case for Pepsi

Star Power

If we have learned anything from the Democratic National Conventions is that what celebrities think is extremely important.And Celebrities love Pepsi. From Michael Jackson to Brittney Spears. Kids like videos- so here you go kids

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfxwXneCtEM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt8uNG02ixA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgr3_w4b_0Y

What would Jesus Dew?

In every Generation a son or daughter surpasses the prominence of their parent. Brett Hull roser higher than his father Bobby. Same goes for Freddie Prinze Jr, and somewhat remarkably Miley Cyrus. Mountain Dew has soared past its parent, Pepsi and its greatness has not been fully realized.

Mountain Dew is quite simply the world's most perfect drink. No one know's the exact recipe to this heavenly elixir although recent studies have shown that it contains Sabertooth Tiger Adrenaline and tears from the Aztec god Quezacotl. John Hinckly Jr. would have been successful in his assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan had Reagan not just drank an entire 2 liter of Mountain Dew just before the shooting. In 1989 an unknown Chinese man was able to stop tanks from entering Tienanmen Square after he killed a 6pack of Dew

I know there are some are some negative rumors about the effect of Mountain Dew on a person's sperm count. This is just a horrible urban myth; like semicolons or the NIT basketball tournament. Mountain Dew was introduced in 1940 and since then the World Population has ballooned to 6 billion. Myth Busted! (Immediately after typing this the Discovery Channel faxed me a lawsuit for trademark infringement)

The Case Against Coke

Say Hello to my Little Friend....cocaine. The Friend is cocaine; because it used to be in Coke.

Coca-Cola gets its name from the the two ingredients that gave it its flavor. Cocaine and Koala Nut extract. I remember when I was really into Coca-Cola. The year was 1987 and it was my first year on Wall Street. The only thing better than greed that year was the 3am Coca-Cola parties. One party in particular- it was Christmas night and I found myself in the basement of the club "Excalibur" with Joe Piscopo. He said something to me that struck a wrong chord. Long story long Joe Piscopo was declared dead that snow capped Christmas Night and if it wasn't for Michael Dukakis knowing CPR, Piscopo would've stayed dead. The next morning I hopped into my Delorean and drove to Rehab. Sandra, my future wife, ended up being my nurse. I've been off Coca-Cola for 12 years now.

I hope you guys PepSEE the clear winner- Pepsi.

I wish I had more time to write a hilariously biting insult paragraph against Lisa but I have to go run a 5k to raise money to pay Ex Simpsons writers to think of insults against Lisa.

Take a shower, Lisa, you're married.

Love Always,

John

Day Vs. Night

2009-08-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know why John is arguing that night is better than day. John has been convicted of all of his major crimes at night. He flashed a group of nuns at night, dined and ditched at Taco Bell at night, and who can forget the time he was caught selling pirated Miley Cyrus CD’s at that truck stop…at night. Criminal record aside, John would have 5 less illegitimate children if he would just stick to the day time hours.

Other reasons why day is better than night….

Options

Envision your favorite place to go. Well, chances are if you’re like me you’re imagining yourself in a Target buying all sorts of useless crap. But guess what? Target and 98% of all fun places are only open during the day. Even if you prefer bars to Target (which I’m guessing most of our readership does) those are even open during the day! And if someone tries to tell you that 10:30 in the morning is too early for a Jack and Coke spit in their face and I doubt they’ll say that to you again.

Sunlight

Ask any doctor…sun is good for you. You might tell me people get skin cancer from the sun, but 4 out of 5 doctors at University of Phoenix will disagree with you. Skin cancer was created by the sunscreen industry to boost their sales. Those tactics, as well as putting a kid’s naked butt on their bottle, all seem a little shady to me.

So, now that we all agree that the sun is good for you, think of all the fun things you can do in the sun! Wear sunglasses, go to the beach, watch a solar eclipse, build a sun dial, and burn bugs with a magnifying glass. Hey moon, can you do those things? No? That’s embarrassing…

The Case Against Night

Vampires

Don’t get me started on vampires or people that like vampires (yes I’m talking to you, Twi-Hards). It’s probably the stupidest craze since Pogs, which were actually kinda cool at the time, but looking back on it, I feel like a loser, nay, a Twi-Tard, for having them.

Trouble

We all know John gets into trouble at night…but so do most of the people on Cops. Sure there are a fair amount of daytime domestic disturbances, I mean, he was only trying to SHOW her that the knife was sharp. But if you watch Cops, or The Women of Broward County (which is quite entertaining…especially the woman with the Poodle hair cut) you’ll see that most of that crap goes down at night.

I don’t expect John to change his ways. After years of therapy, a life of private Catholic education, and four brief years of my friendship, he is still a criminal when the sun goes down. You people have a chance…come towards the light, or John will find you and try to sell you the newest Jonas Brothers 3D.

TTFN.

I just want to take this time to recognize Matt, Lisa’s husband; for going above and beyond his original “Make a Wish” commitment. He was supposed to just take Lisa to Six Flags- but he went that extra mile and married her. You are a better man than pretty much every other guy.

I am writing this from the shadows, a dark place between purgatory and the River Styx that smells like scratch off tickets and despair. The night is my home, like warm Mountain Dew on a snowy MLK Day. You hear a black cat scurrying across a moonlit fence and you might wonder about bad luck. I see the same thing and I wonder why that black cat is running from his past. What did he do? Did he leave a wife-cat and some kittens? Did his wife-cat gain some weight due to a huge litter and he just can’t look at her the same way? Does he think about his HS sweetheart and think “What-if?” He probably doesn’t. He’s a cat. But that’s the thing about the Night- She’s a powerful tempest who can make you think crazy things about a cat.

As I look out my window into the milky white Ms Pac-Man shaped moon; I am reminded how badly Lisa smells. She smells like John Lovitz on the 6^th night of Hanukkah; satisfied and indifferent. The Night is far an away superior to the Day. The Night is an elusive abyss of opportunity; like a sorority girl separated from her friends on Halloween. I must hasten my typing as I notice the wick on my candle is shrinking like Costanza in a pool.

The Case for Night

Fun with a Purpose

With the Night you grab on and enjoy the ride. There is an eerie fateful narrative with the Night that does not come in the Day. You can start off the Night with your buddies at a bar- find yourself at a club dancing with a divorced 39 year old - then an alley debating The Departed with a stranger with goatee- then eating a Gyro with some Albanian Soccer players and feel like there was a sense of purpose. When you look back at your Night it feels like for some strange reason it was all meant to be.

4^th Meal.

Food always tastes better after 1am. Now I have never been on Death Row but I bet if they scooted executions back and had the last meals at like 2:30am- their last meal would taste even more unbelievable. They still probably wouldn’t be cool with the execution- but it can’t hurt.

Vampires.

I am told that if I just mention the book or the movie Twilight, our readership will quadruple. So here you go: Twiilight Twiilight, Robert Pattinson, Twiilight. I feel dirty- I need a cigarette. A candy cigarette.

Mo Peeps

Yes I know where babies come from and we have the Night to thank for that. At Night, Mommies and Daddies pray really really hard for a baby and if Santa is in a good mood- he gives them one. Duh.

The Case Against Day

Skin Cancer

When’s the last time you had to put on Moon Block? Last time I checked my dissertation you can’t get skin cancer from the Moon. All a moon can do is A) turn you into a Werewolf thus making you better at high school basketball. And B) hit your eye not unlike a big pizza pie.

U-G-L-Y Day Ain’t Got No Alibi

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder mad? That dude is always happy because he doesn’t have to see all the ugly things in this world. From run down buildings to that guy on the train in jean shorts- the Day reveals all of the World’s unsightly blemishes.

My candle has burned out so I just turned on the lights. I will now find solace in the shadows- I fall asleep to the sounds of the Night- the Midnight Orchestra between the Owl’s call and the loitering of the local Meth-head. It may sound dark but this is the life I lead and dammit, I want to live. I would much rather choose the unsavory events of the Night over the monotony of the prudish Day.

I’m out like Lisa after an Indigo Girls concert.

-John

Babies vs Old People

2009-08-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Here’s a question for you John. Wait, pass the computer to your friend…I used a lot of big words in this post and you’ll probably need a lot of help. Is he listening? Tell him to stop blowing spit bubbles. How about now? Ok, good. John, do people write songs about old people? No. The most common word used in music is ‘baby’ and for a good reason. They’ve got back, Britney wants to get hit by them one more time, and Mariah wants them to always be hers.

Babies have an inane ability to digest food almost the instant it is eaten, look and act drunk in the morning and people don’t accuse it of having a serious problem that should probably be looked into, and they’re really good at making grown adults act like complete idiots. Here are some other reasons why babies rule and old people drool in a really un-cute way.

Dead baby jokes:

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop ice cream and two scoops dead baby.

What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a thousand dead babies? I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.

Even in death, babies are hilarious! I may have just lost some supporters, but dead baby jokes are just like Lost. If you’re not a fan it’s because you’re mentally inferior.

Hilarious commentary:

For those of you who don’t know, I teach babies. As long as you count 6-year-olds as babies, then yes, I teach babies. I’m working on my first novel; Kids Say the Most Literal and Usually Accurate Yet Funny Things and it’s really just a running commentary of what my first graders say. Here is an excerpt:

Me: Ok, Zorgas*, time for math.

Zorgas: I can’t do math, I have bwain damage. I’m twying to tell my mind to do math, but it won’t.

Me: Well, let’s try again.

Zorgas: I have to use the westwoom, my wiener is killing me. (Zorgas glances over at Magnum* who is singing “I Like to Move It Move It”)

Me: Can you wait?

Zorgas: No, my wiener is going to fall off. (vigorously rubs private area)

*Name has been changed to protect subject’s privacy

Fatness:

Any of you who don’t like babies are just jealous. You’re jealous that people see their fat little thighs and big round Buddha bellies and they say “ohhhhhhhhhhcute.” When people see your cottage cheese thighs and John Goodman bellies they give you a look like they just smelled the inside of a jock strap and they shield their children’s eyes. At some point that fatness lost its cuteness…time to stop being jealous of babies and hit the Gazelle.

The Case Against Old People

Crotchetiness:

Respect for your elders? No way. Not until they start showing me some respect. How many times has some old woman, who can’t even see over her steering wheel, given you a wag of the finger and tsk tsk look because you chose to go around her as she was doing 5 in a 35 speed zone? No, people were not more respectful when you were younger…it was just too long ago to remember.

Racism:

I know all of you have at least one old person in your family that uses words like colored, or oriental and I know you cringe every time you hear it. But, what are you gonna do? You can’t teach an old dog new and more politically correct vocabulary. That’s what I always say.

I guess I understand why John prefers old people to babies. Babies are an excellent judge of character. They will literally crap all over you if they get the slightest hint of malice while every nice young man that old people meet gets the instant reward of being “delightful.” I prefer someone with a more discerning taste.

Goodbye John, I hope that rash is clearing up. Just kidding, no I don’t.

Hey Lisa- How's Prison? I've been meaning to send you a carton of cigarettes but I've been too busy running 5K's to fight smoking. Watch out for shivs in the pasta salad.

Alright people- its the 90's- let's talk about it! Babies or Old People?

I'll spell it out like a large print Reader's Digest; the answer is Old People! Get on the trolley and cue Paul Simon's “Still Crazy After All these Years”; I will put Baby in a corner!

The Case for Old People

Generosity

If the internet has taught us anything its that Old People are notoriously generous. When is the last time a Baby sent you a card for Columbus Day? When’s the last time you knew to celebrate Columbus Day? Old People bleed altruism – Shel Silverstein wrote The Giving Tree about his Grandparents- don’t check those facts.

Old People Have Done Cooler Things than You

You ever talk to an Old Person? Probably not. But you got to try it. Every Old Person has one crazy out-of-left field story in them. A story that trumps any story you will ever have and they usually mention it very casually. “Oh you’re watching the Cubs? I love baseball- I once caught Babe Ruth’s last home run. After the game he fought me for it so we dueled outside Yankee Stadium- it was the old Yankee Stadium at the time. Anyway long story short I got a silver bullet lodged in my shoulder and President Roosevelt pardoned me and invited me and your Grandma to Easter at the Whitehouse. When's dinner?” Sure beats that “One night I couldn't miss at Beer Pong” story you have.

The Bedpan of Courage

Raise your hand if you had a grandparent who served in a war. Now feel weird if you actually raised your hand because I can’t see you- it’s the internet. People just fought in Wars back in then. Like all the time. That was a generation of badasses. I think Tom Brokaw’s “The Badass Generation” explains it perfectly. Can you imagine if our generation had to fight the Nazi’s? What am I going fight the Nazi’s with- my Theatre Degree?? Back then they didn’t have Theatre Degrees or blogs; they had Cigarettes and sweet little combs that fit in your pocket; and they were Men dammit. They were Men.

Curse these Brittle Bones

Have you ever seen an Old Person, particularly an old lady say a curse word? Its elusive and majestic like watching a Griffin give birth. And I've seen that twice. College was crazy, Man.

The Case Against Babies

More Useless than a Rosary in Seattle

Sure Babies are cute; but so are Ziggy Cartoons. Babies take and take and take. They are a black hole of love. If I was Dr. Phil I'd say I don't give advice out for free then I'd say it sounds like a Codependent relationship. And if I know anything I know that words like “codependent” are big and you should probably stay away from them.

Sure They're Cute Now...

but Babies grow- and they keep growing. One day you're burping a perfectly cute 1 year old and before you know it you monitoring some brace- faced 13 year old's text messages. Next time you see baby think about the future.

They Cry like Babies; Airplanes and Babies.

Not since Magic Johnson and talkshows has there been a worse combination. As a successful oil tycoon nothing ruins a business flight more. Luckily I keep a flask of bourbon under my Bristol hat. Seriously can we outlaw all babies from planes. Babies and girls flying to Bachelorette Parties. I am sorry your friend is getting married before you and sure you're a great girl- just give it time.

Look I just don't think we should praise anything that isn't proven. If you have the choice between a new fangled solar powered space ship or a proven American Model T – what would you choose? Babies are a wild card- they could turn out great but most likely they'll disappoint you. With Old People, you know you are going to get honest to goodness opinions on whats too flashy as well an immense distrust of computers and the government. So Raise your Ensure glasses and next time you see an Old Person lie and tell them you voted for McCain.

Phew, I just want you to know how difficult it was to not make one Viagra Joke. Point: John.

Love Always,

John

Brunettes vs Blondes

2009-08-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

Snapple Fact #129

Blondes are stupid

Snapple Fact #130

John is stupider

I do have blonde friends, but the secret is out, I hate them all. Now, I’m not a lesbian or anything, but for the sake of argument I’m going to have to pretend to be one. Now that I’m a lesbian, I feel the need to tell you how turned on I am by brunette women. Like...really turned on.

Sophistication

If you want to be taken seriously as a woman you need brown hair. Look at all the high-powered females in this world: Oprah, Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin (for all you conservatives…anyone?). Anyway, however you feel about those women, they would not be where they are if they were blondes. To they would be dumber for sure, and probably stripping somewhere. Oh god…I just imagined Oprah naked. Ow.

Unfortunately for blondes, the contrast between sexy and sophisticated is only something a brunette can achieve. In a word, sexy librarian. Ok, two words.

Angelina Jolie

As a temporary lesbian, I feel strange urge to be attracted to Angelina Jolie. This babe has it all. Not only is she bi, she has adopted 13 children, she has turned 2 nations around from poverty stricken to bathing in gold and eating caviar, she has been to the moon, tamed that wild beast Brad Pitt, and beat Michael Phelps in the breast stroke. All of this because she has brown hair. She is the quintessential female.

The case against blondes

Floosies

Blondes have more fun? More like blondes have more herpes. Pam Anderson and any playboy bunny can tell you that the color of their hair has a direct correlation to the number of STDs they have. In fact, most STDs were brought to our beautiful country by blondes from Europe. Did you know that AIDS came to the states when Joan Rivers sailed the ocean blue in 1492? Now you know.

Fraud

Do you know how many “blondes” aren’t natural blondes? The exact statistic is 98%. Using a simple random sample, I checked if the curtains match the carpet…or something like that, and I can tell you with a standard deviation of .01 that only 2% of blondes were natural. And that doesn’t count their rack.

I will leave you with this.

What do John and a blonde have in common? They are both dumb! HEYO!

Brunettely yours,

Lisa

What’s up, Lisa? Still ugly and racist? I figured.

I know this is might not be a popular move but was it popular for the Dallas Cowboys to win 3 Super Bowls in 4 years? Was it popular to write the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite and send it to John Heder? (Btw the title for the screenplay is “Napoleon Dead and Loving it!”) Life is not all about being popular just ask George W. Bush – that’s right 2000 election joke. Sometimes it takes a big man to stand up for truth; and I am that big man. Lisa is not either big or a man. She is small…and a lady…a BRUNETTE lady.

Blondes are far and away superior to Brunettes and I am sorry if that offends some homely graduate school students or teen mothers. I must preface this by saying I love brunettes- I am a brunette. Brunettes fill a needed role in society; they do jobs that Blondes wont touch with a ten foot straightner (I mean someone has to be a Marine Biologist) But mathematically speaking, all things equal- if you had a choice, 100 percent of the time you would choose to be Blonde.

The Case for Blondes

The Blonde Bombshell

Americans love our hair light and our polar bears endangered. There is nothing more American than the Blonde bombshell. Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, Pamela Anderson, Kendra, Michael Bolton. These are the pin-ups that I put up in my bunker when I was playing Call Of Duty. (Just had a flashback…..we lost a lot of good Twizzlers that day..the horror.). They are every man’s fantasy. If he tells you that he prefers Brunettes over Blondes he is lying. Same rule goes for when he says he can recognize the creative merit in Project Runway or that he likes your Mother. It’s in a man’s DNA to prefer Blondes- we can’t help it. You wouldn’t punish a fox for being sneaky or an elephant for remembering something. Just look at Marilyn Monroe- she was like a hot Forrest Gump. She had relations with JFK, Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, and Robert Kennedy. That’s ridiculous. If she was a Brunette she probably would’ve been Norma Jean, lonely operator for Southwestern Bell.

Also Charles Darwin, thought Blondes had an intrinsic evolutionary advantage http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/2530034/Charles-Darwin-investigated-whether-blondes-have-more-fun.html.

Fun

There few universal laws. E=MC2, Every actions receives and equal and opposite reaction, it’s ok to creep a stranger’s pictures on Facebook, and Blondes have more fun. It’s a fundamental truth. They wake up every day knowing they won’t get a speeding ticket and that they won’t have to pay for drinks. They don’t think about wars or poverty- they are too worried about foam parties and hilarious IPhone apps. For this argument I dyed my hair blonde for a week and my facebook friends tripled and instead of taking the train to work- I surfed. I had the most fun week of life and you can read it about it in my 4000 page memoir called “Blonde Like Me”

The Case Against Brunettes

Jealousy

Blonde Jokes are more common than a Brunette at a Barnes & Noble. Blonde jokes are hurtful propaganda used as a vicious vehicle for the Brunette Corporate Machine. Do you ever think about the hate you are putting in the atmosphere when you tell a Blonde joke? You wouldn’t say a racist joke would you? Blonde jokes are racist towards hair color. We’ve come too far to tell these jokes. When you tell a Blonde jokes you erase all the progress we’ve made since Blonde Crow.

Look I love Brunettes- everyone needs a plan B. Its just we are predisposed to prefer Blondes- you can’t argue with Darwin. In the Olympics we go for the Gold- we don’t go for an un-vibrant brownish hue. As a man, success means never being satisfied. We must keep going for the gold until we finally reach it- until we have a soulless but well paying job with the ultimate prize, a beautiful Blonde wife with whom you share no common interests. With Liberty and Justice for all.

Love Always,

John

Hamburgers Vs. Hot Dogs

2009-07-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs

What kinds of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?

Big kids, little kids, kids who climb on rocks

fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox

love hot dogs, Armour Dot Dogs

The dogs kids love to bite!

You hear that Lisa? Even fat kids love hot dogs- so why can’t you get on board? Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Ogdenville to North Haverbrook. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog

- 1000 B.C. The first semblance of a Hot Dog was made in Ancient China. Called “Honorable meal for an elder to eat by the reeds of the river” it was rumored to be dragon meat on a rice patty sprinkled with Opium. Soon they got rid of the meat and patty and just kept the Opium- people were fine with it.

- 1894- Hot Dogs were introduced at the Chicago Worlds Fair by Eli Whitney as a means to combat consumption. Its medical side effects were later discredited but 9 out 10 ten doctors agreed it was delicious

-1908 President Taft makes the Hot Dog the “The official food of the President” (Although to be fair he gave pretty much every food that title..fat jokes!)

-1945 Normandy Beach- General Eisenhower feeds his troops Hot Dogs because of their convenience and nutrition. After their victory Eisenhower proclaims it “Hot Dog Day” which then changed to “Dog Day” then finally it was come to known as “D-Day”

-November 3^rd 1948 The Chicago Tribune accidentally prints the headline “Dewey gives Truman a Hot Dog”

- 1964 Martin Luther King gives his inspiring “Hot Dog at the top of Mountain” speech in Alabama. The next day LBJ signs the Civil Rights Act.

- 1998- The Starr Report’s Clinton/Lewinsky Hot Dog excerpt provides a year of punch lines for SNL, Letterman, and Leno.

Lisa I know you can’t read or write but the History speaks for itself. Here is some more proof of Hot Dog’s greatness

Meals on Wheels: The Weiner Mobile. The coolest car on the road- when you see it- it makes your day. Plus it runs on dreams and dreams don’t emit any carbon dioxide.

Star Power. Kobayashi is the biggest star in the world. In 2004 he made more money than Tiger Woods and Jennifer Garner combined. According to this poll I just made up he is 40 percent more recognizable than Secretary of the Interior Kenneth Salazar.

Case Against Burgers

Oversaturation. You can get a burger anywhere and very rarely is it memorable. Usually you think “I should’ve gotten the chicken sandwich.”

P.H.A.T. Did you see Super Size Me? He dies at the end- wait that’s Grizzly Man- same movie.

Leads to a life of crime. The Hamburgler was on his way to be a successful CPA in Mcdonaldland but then he had a taste for burgers and sacrificed his morals and dreams of a lake house.

Lisa once again your ignorance and stupidity amaze me. And I use that word often. I cordially invite you to Chicago- I’ll buy you an authentic hot dog, take you all the way to the top of the Sears Tower and punch you in the neck.

Love Always,

John

I support a woman’s right to choose. And a man for that matter. Close your eyes. You’re at a summer BBQ. Tiki torches are burning, children are laughing, Michael Jackson is playing again, and some guy wearing a cheesy apron is behind the BBQ pointing to you with his spatula asking what you’re having: burger or dog. Here is where your right to choose comes in. Obviously, you’re not a terrorist so you choose burger. Here are some reasons why you choose correctly my friend.

Condiments

You thought I was about to say condoms, huh? Well, no I’m talking about the infinite possibilities of wonderful things that you can put on hamburgers. You can take the burger so many directions…I mean look at Red Robin! A whole fine-dining establishment based on the burger! I’m sure John will try to argue the same for Frankfurter, but seriously…that place is sick. What can you put on a hot dog? Ketchup and mustard. You’ll never have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you put sauerkraut on and anything else just doesn’t belong.

Hamburglar

Does anyone try to steal hot dogs because they’re so good? No.

The Case Against Hot Dogs

Questionable Content

Here I will quote my most trusted source…wikipedia. “A hot dog is a moist sausage of soft, even texture and flavor, often made from mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry.”

I have a HUGE problem with the word moist. Also, anything moist that’s going into my mouth will not contain mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry. What the hell is that anyway? When I think of mechanically recovered meat, I think of a robot doing something horrible to a pig.

Also, some hot dogs are known to contain MSG. Do you know what MSG is? Me neither, but I know this one Chinese place I go to says NO MSG like they’re really proud of it, so my guess is MSG is bad.

The name

Wiener. Why would you want to eat a wiener? Oh wait...now I totally understand why John likes them. BURN.

Friends, clearly the burger is the better choice. We all know why John likes hot dogs…yeah I just went there. I’ll leave you with that mental picture.

Oh also...unhappy birthday john. I hope you have a worse birthday than that guy who was hiking and got pinned under a rock so he had to cut his own arm off with a rusty pocketknife...on his birthday.

2009-07-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Today is a day that will live in infamy

- Doctor Robinson Ford on July 25th 1985 delivering Lisa

Today is a dark day- perhaps the worst day of year. If you have had a terrible today and can't figure it out its because its Lisa's Birthday. I know I have doused myself in Holy Water the whole day just to stay sane. So laugh it up all you arsonists and Lisa supporters. I hope you when you blow out your candles 12 scorpions sting you.

love always,

John

The Notorious B.I.G. vs 2Pac

2009-07-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

Biggie Biggie Biggie can’t you see, sometimes John just irritates me. Now, if you know John and I, you know that we’re heavy in to gangsta rap. You may also know that I named my dog after one of the best songs of all time (Mo Money Mo Problems). Mo for short. Finally, you know that the feud between John and I rivals the biggest feud in rap of all time. Biggie vs. Tupac. I think I can settle this though…no one has heard my opinion on this yet, but once you do this feud will be put to rest like John after he’s had a drink and a cheeseburger.

Size is everything.

I’m a woman, and I know that giant men make the best lovers AS WELL as the best rappers. When a man is as large as Biggie, you know he’s passionate. He probably gets really passionate about home cookin, pie and greasy food. If he is an ardent food lover, you know he’s gonna be a good rapper.

He is, in fact, still alive.

Ok, do you think it’s just a coincidence that the album that came out 15 days after his death is called Life After Death? No. He’s released 3 albums since his death and they have sold like deep fried Twinkies at a state fair. Biggie is smart…real smart. He knows that great movers and shakers aren’t truly appreciated until after their death. Just like Shakespeare, Beethoven, Mr. Rogers and Billy Mays, Biggie’s art can now be truly appreciated now that he is “dead.” By “dead” I mean he got gastric bypass, bought an island in the Bahamas, and now he’s chillin in a lounge chair with a Pina Colada and size 32 board shorts.

Collaboration with the King

He collaborated with Michael Jackson. Anyone who says that doesn’t put him above Tupac has no respect for the dead. You don’t wanna disrespect dead MJ…believe me.

Accessories are everything

Biggie used a cane. He may have actually needed it after he broke his leg in a car crash, but either way he ROCKED it. That, a badass hat, a cigar, and about 200 extra pounds of body weight made him look cooler than Cory Feldman in a leather jacket.

The Case Against Tupac

First of all, he was a sex offender. No one likes sex offenders, unless it’s MJ, but again don’t disrespect him.

Also, Tupac was shot 5 times and he didn’t die. Then he WHINED about how he thought his record execs knew about it ahead of time and didn’t warn him. Ok, really Tupac. Quit being such a baby.

Also people claim that his killers were tied to the East/West Coast battle, but he died in Las Vegas. Someone hand those retards a map, cuz it’s really not on the East Coast. Idiots.

I’m glad we can all stop talking about this feud now. As for the feud between John and I, that will probably continue until Kirstie Alley actually keeps the weight off.

Love always,

Big Momma (Lisa)

I just want to start off saying that I am glad a girl from Seattle and a boy from Dallas who both went to a mid sized liberal arts university can finally put this debate to bed. You’re welcome hip hope community! If only we could’ve debated this two weeks ago Vibe might have not gone out of business.

Lisa chose Biggie no shock there. She got engaged in NYC and she loves the buffet at New York New York in Vegas- she went with her heart. Unfortunately, Lisa must have forgotten that she was born with the idiot gene. 2Pac destroys B.I.G. This debate is going to be cloudy with a 90 percent chance of fat jokes.

The Case for Tupac.

Longevity. Mr. Pac released 5 albums when he was alive and then died and decided to release 5 more albums plus 10 compilations after his death. Mathematically that seems impossible but Pac did the impossible. How many albums did lazy Buddy Holly release after his death?

2Pac Obama? During the 2008 Presidential Elections we heard the word “Change” a lot (remember 2008?? People had jobs, Billy Mayes was still yelling at us, Gas cost 4 dollars…sigh those were the days huh?) Is it a coincidence that one of 2Pac’s biggest hits is called “Changes”? This journalist and amateur crossbowman says no.

And still I see no changes can't a brother get a little peace

It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East

Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs

so the police can bother me

I am pretty sure Obama started his speech at the Democratic National convention with this line. But America was ready for a Change- in the same song Dr. Pac says “We ain't ready, to see a black President, uhh”. Looks like we were ready. Last time I checked my President is black and a little Hawaiian, and some Kansas Methodist – it’s not that race even matters I mean –its what’s on the inside people see- oh no I am talking about race- this is a losing battle. Ummmm look over there is that a funny billboard?? (phew good save, John)

What doesn’t kill him makes him stronger. Tupac was shot 5 times in 1994 and even accused BIG for setting up the hit. Tupac survived thanks to a steady diet of Multi-platinum records and In and Out. Fun fact! Tupac is the only artist ever to have an album at number one on the Billboard 200 while serving a prison sentence. I know what you are thinking but Nelson Mandela’s “My Baby is my Baby” only got up to number 3 on the South African charts.

Death Row Records. Death Row’s line up was staggering collection of talent; 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Christian Laettner- that right there could be a Mt Rushmore of Hip Hop. All Biggie had was Puff Daddy and Poppin’ Fresh (Fat jokes!)

The Case Against Biggie.

Osama BIG Laden? Ok I know that’s reference is in poor taste but here is a chilling line from Biggie’s “Juicy”- “Time to get paid- blow up like the World Trade.” B.I.G. died in 1997- I am not saying he knew anything- but did he know something?

Childhood Obesity. All I know it wasn’t an issue until the mid 90s right around the time Biggie was becoming famous. Maybe a role model who glorified obesity should be held accountable? Maybe if ate some Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki subs he would have been the “The Agreeable T.H.I.N.? But he was the inspiration for those Nutty Professor Movies so I should give credit where credits due.

I want to leave you with poem Pac wrote for his good friend Jada Pickett Smith.

u r the omega of my heart

the foundation of my conception of love

when i think of what a black woman should be

its u that i first think of

u will never fully understand

how deeply my heart feels 4 u

i worry that we'll grow apart

and i'll end up losing u

u r my heart in human form

a friend i could never replace

This is the exact opposite of how I feel for that Hosebeast Lisa. Lisa is NOT the Omega of my heart and when I think of what a black woman should be – it is NOT Lisa.

Lisa- I ain't mad at cha. Wait a minute- yes I am

Rat tat tat tat tat that’s the way it is.

Love Always,

JPac

Beach vs Mountains

2009-07-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

It’s Summer Vacation Time. Lisa will probably spend it tending to her home and husband and going to bed by 8pm. I’ll probably spend it like the swinging bachelor I am; nothing but Kick Boxing and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But where should you spend your summer vacation?

Mountains or Beach? It’s and age old question but with simple and noble answer. Only adulterers and lepers (Lisa) would choose Mountains – Beach is the clear answer. It’s so easy it probably doesn’t even need an explanation but that would make for a boring read. So let’s dress this infant.

The Case for Beach

The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People. Studies have shown that our bodies are wonderlands; and the best place to see these wonderlands is at the Beach. Adam and Eve were naked 24/7/348 and going to the beach represents a return to Paradise when God actually liked us. At the beach you can be free and confident not like the Puritanical Mountains that shame people into covering their beautiful bodies. If you had a choice where would you live; Eden or Salem Massachusetts?

Equality. Everyone can enjoy a beach. From baby Madeline to Grandpa to crazy Uncle Jerry who likes to remind you how Global Warming is a conspiracy thought up by homosexuals and Obama. It’s an equal opportunity vacation. The only people who climb mountains are middle aged white people who are in bad marriages. And there is nothing lamer than white people. EVERYONE knows that.

Spring Break. Only the best Spring Breaks happen at Beaches. MTV has never done “Spring Break Kilimanjaro” or “Sherpas Gone Wild!” Also, you’re sick- that Sherpa is someone’s daughter.

The Ocean. The Earth is 75% water. Human Beings are 75% water. Therefore using the transitive property of addition- the Ocean is in our bodies. Can you say that about Mountains? Probably not.

Treasure. Beaches are chock full of Pirates Treasure its like hanging out in a money machine. You are at the beach and you run to chase a Frisbee and trip over something sticking out of the ground- do a little digging and BOOM its Spanish Gold Coins and you got your student loans paid for. The beach is like a stimulus package, and have you heard about the economy nowadays? Lisa hasn’t.

Case Against Mountains.

Mountains are work. It’s like when some gives you a book for your Birthday. “Great, thanks for the chore.” You risk your life climbing this cold unforgiving rock and then you reach the top and say “Wow look at this view – I could’ve seen the same view for less money and less life risking in a plane or helicopter. Whelp time to go back down.” It’s a completely unnecessary experience.

Yetis. Last time I checked there were no Yetis at the beach. If a Yeti were to wonder to a beach I don’t think he would eat our bones but start a Limbo contest.

Mt Everest is overrated. It isn’t even the highest point on Earth. Watch out some knowledge is about to be dropped on your face. Mount Chimborazo is a mountain in Ecuador, and technically that’s the mountain that would be closes to the Sun. So congratulations- you climbed Everest but there is some Ecuadorian who is higher than you.

I know some granola eating Eagle Scouts might disagree with me but I’ll never see them because I don’t shop at REI. The rest of the fun loving golden members of society will be having a Luau and catching monster waves.

Lisa I know Magic Mountain is a fun ride but it’s not an actual mountain. IDIOT!

Love always

John

The hills are alive, and John is retarded. If there is one thing I have learned in our past argument, it's that John is always wrong. That must suck for him. Now, in the battle of where to vacation, I feel strongly that the mountains are your best bet. John will probably tell you otherwise, but hear me out.

Yeti

Have you ever met one? Well, if you were to hang out in the mountains all day every day chances are you will. Last time I met a Yeti, we drank Bud Light, played Uno then watched a couple Godfather movies. He’s a really cool guy, and I think you would have a great time with him.

Snow Bunnies

Girls love being them and guys love being with them. When else can you braid you hair in pigtails, put a beanie on, layer your clothes so much so that when you eat a lot you can’t really tell? Exactly, only in the mountains would that be sexy.

Woodland Creatures

If you were a Disney Princess, they would flock to you, land on your arms and join you in a song about nature. Well, these things aren’t necessarily reserved only for Disney Princesses. Vacation in the mountains and you too may find this out.

The Case Against Beaches

Crabs. Any kind sucks.
Sand in unpleasant cracks.
People that shouldn’t be wearing bathing suits, are now running and walking in them. Gross.

Cats vs Dogs

2009-07-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

Cats Vs. Dogs

The Argument for Dogs

Snoop Dogg knows what’s up. In the battle of cats versus dogs it is clear that the dog would come out on top (literally, it would mount the cat). Here are some plainly obvious reasons why dogs are better than cats. I don’t expect John to understand, but I have much more faith in you people. I mean, John does have a light blue track suit…his taste is clearly beyond repair.

Loyalty

Ever try to get a cat to “come.” Don’t answer that if you’re a pervert. Point is, no, it won’t. A cat won’t do a thing you say. Pretend someone stabbed you in the face. Your cat would just sit there and be like “sigh…I need a nap,” whereas a dog would jump to your rescue, dial 911, and tell them that you’re bleeding profusely from your carotid artery. Good dog.

Fun

You tell a cat to fetch, it tells you to fuck off. Dogs can provide excellent entertainment in the form of walks, playing fetch, playing tug of war, being cute and chasing their tail while cats….yeah nothing entertaining about cats. Unless you like watching them lick their junk. If that’s the case (John) you’re a sick fuck.

Do you call your friend cat? No, you call your friend dawg.

Let me tell you, I’m sitting next to my dog right now and while she has never met John, she just told me he sounds like a tool. What’s that Mo? You say dogs are a great judge of character? Yes, I agree with you. Case in point, K-9 units. They smell sheisty people and they attack. Cats smell their buttholes and lick them. You decide which is more integral to a just society.

The case against cats

I think between the butthole licking, the napping 23 hours a day, and the claw marks that people with multiple cats inevitably have, I’ve made my point. Cat people are always creepy. Would you ever consider the title “cat lady” to be a compliment? No. She is the woman with 37 cats, her house smells like ammonia, the windows are rarely open and when you finally get the nerve to go peek in her window you see 74 glowing eyes around a frizzy haired crazy woman holding a shotgun. That’s what living with cats does to you.

Have a spectacularly disappointing day, John.

Love always,

Lisa

I get it – this is America. Choosing dogs over cats is the easy choice. But you know what would’ve also been easy? Not dumping tea into Boston Harbor or not inventing the atomic bomb. Sometimes the easy decision might not be the right decision. Haven’t you seen Million Dollar Baby? Neither have I.

The Argument for Cats

Cats are Brilliant. Now I am only an amateur scientist but anyone worth their weight in Fancy Feast knows that cats have the superior intellect. If a dog and a cat were forced to take the SAT’s the cat would probably do a 1410 while the dog would probably get too excited and go to the bathroom on the test. Which leads to my next point- great Segway GOB

Sanitation. Cats are clean. When they are dirty they just give themselves a tongue bath- when they need to go twosies they just use the litter box. No fuss no muss. Dogs are all fuss and boatloads of muss.

Nine Lives. Cats literally have 9 lives. It’s Science.

Fierce. Cats will mess you up- just ask Roy. (And no it’s not “too soon” because I didn’t say anything about MJ) Cats are born predators. When the final showdown between cats and dogs happen in 2035 what side do you want to be on?

Independence. America declared it in 1492 and cats have it in David Spades. You really don’t even have to feed it. You buy one and it’s basically got everything under control. Meanwhile you leave a dog alone for 4.7 seconds and your copy of Contra II gets eaten.

King of the Jungle. Lions are king. Dogs aren’t even dukes. Dogs are so far from Royalty they couldn’t even order a Royale with Cheese in France.

Cats Hate Mondays.

Case Against Dogs

Dog people. How many times have you gone to someone’s house or apartment and been blitzkrieged by a dog. And the idiot owner is like “Ohhh he likes you!” or “She hardly ever does this.” No, he does not like me and yes she does that all the time- it’s a dog. Learn to train your stupid illiterate dog.

Humping. When is the last time your leg was accosted without consent by a cat? Dogs are like those creepy Lebanese guys at dance clubs. You know who what I am talking about.

Dogs are barbaric co-dependent leeches who masquerade as “Man’s best friend” when their species would most likely be exinct without humans. Humans helping dogs is the single largest Welfare program in all of history. Scholars maintain if we took the money we spend on dogs each year- we could build the worlds largest roller coaster made out of elephant tusks. Think about it. Think think about it.

Hey Lisa I hope you become a famous female boxer and that I become your old take no guff trainer and then during the biggest fight of your career you fall back and hit your head leaving you paralyzed then when you are in the hopsital you beg me to pull the plug. But I wouldnt pull the plug. I would come every day and read you your favorite books but change the endings to be funny. And you'd be so mad but you couldnt do anything bc you'd be paralyzed. I hope that happens.

Yours Forever,

John