"If television has taught us anything, and i think we can all agree that it has, its that Indians are the bad guys"
"you think you are so cool because you crossed the Bering straights like a million years before the Europeans arrived. Yeah. Real Original."
"Pass the Peace Pipe?? No thank you, Indians. I've been to a Jason Mraz concert, thank you very much!
BOOM- There you have it. Lisa I hope your Scalp is blown. Special Thanks to Tommy, Manifest Destiny, and everyone who reads this.
Please call, Ash, hope your sister isnt still mad.
Hey John, how was your Thanksgiving?! I hope you just had a blast celebrating genocide and destruction. Oh, and I hope you were able to choke down more than your average of 4 bites per meal. If not, I hope you had one bite of everything you liked – and you didn’t barf it up.
Speaking of genocide, how about them Indians? Yeah I hear they really sucked it up this year. Talk about genocide on the field. But we’re not here to talk about baseball, we’re here to talk about the greatest people ever to walk this planet (at the same time as Dinosaurs if you ask certain people). Native Americans.
Let’s jump in my DeLorean and take a little trip. **turns knobs, pokes numbers, presses cook button** Ok, we’ve got our bagel bites, now let’s go back in time and observe the awesomeness that is the Native American.
Ingenuity
No gunpowder, no electricity and no clothes that fully covered their bottoms, but still they thrived. Just imagine yourself stuck in the wilderness with some flint and a stick. You would die for sure, but Native Americans took those little tools and ran with them. Next thing you know, they have sweet bows and arrows, teepees, sweat lodges and peyote. Enter white man – all is ruined. If it weren’t for the white man, we would have our carbon emissions reduced by about a million percent, women could still walk around topless, and we definitely wouldn’t have STDs. Just imagine that world – John’s doctor bills would be almost non-existent.
Drugs
They were cool with them. In fact, a boy had to trip pretty hardcore to become a man. Then he came back, told everyone what he saw and they decided his name based on that. That’s why there are so many interesting Native American names out there. I’m looking at you, Boy-Who-Laughs-At-Anything. Plus, we can thank Native Americans for the bong and tie-dye.
They keep their friends close and their enemies scared shitless
All of those cowboys and Indians movies will prove that without a doubt the cowboys were terrified of Indians. Why? Because one lone Indian atop a cliff in a gorge could take out 40 cowboys with a bow and arrow. He could even call his friends from miles around without even using his cell phone. What did those lame cowboys have? Guns. Guns can’t do much for you if you’re white and drunk. That’s how John lost his baby toe, just ask him.
The Case Against Cowboys
Tony Romo
Barf.
They sound uneducated
No offense to anyone from the South, but real cowboys talk like they received a second grade education. “That them there mountain is a big un I reckon.” Native Americans have such complex languages they were commissioned by the Marines in World War 2. Yeah, I saw Windtalkers…and don’t even get me started on casting Nicholas Case and Christian Slater in that one – Hollywood is racist.
No Manners
Cowboys waltzed into the Native Americans land and were like “ummm…I’m totally lost can you help me?” Of course, Native Americans are very hospitable so they helped the white man out a little bit. They taught them how to plant corn, let them date their daughters, showed them how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and what do they get in return? Syphilis, alcoholism and an unpleasant walk to a new land.
Side note: joke’s on the white man because they happened to relocate many tribes to oil rich land. Now instead of the trail of tears, many tribes refer to it as the unpleasant trail we walked on and at the end found out we were filthy rich.
So, we have here two groups of people and it’s quite obvious who is superior. You may be saying, “but Lisa, the Native Americans were nearly wiped out by the white man.” This may be true, but let’s see who got the last laugh. Native Americans run casinos, go clamming and fishing without a license, get money each year just for being awesome, get scholarships for being a minority, and they get to make jokes about Native Americans being alcoholics without appearing to be insensitive. Just admit it, you wish you were Native American. And just admit it, John, you wish you were Andy Samberg.
