Marriage vs. The Single Life

Hello Balloon Boys and Hoax Girls,

What’s up Lisa?? Are you gearing up for Sonics Season?? For those who don't have the internet, Lisa recently got a tattoo of a feather on her right rib to honor her American Indian Heritage. I got to hand it to her she had no Reservations- she dove headdress first - yelled Geronimo and got inked. However I do hope the pain felt like a trail of tears...too late??

(For those scoring at home- that’s 7500 pts for 4 Native American Puns in one thought)

Not to be outdone I wanted to honor my Italian Heritage so across my back I got a tattoo of Mario eating a Meetball Footlong from Subway while wearing Boots (Cause Italy is shaped like Boot- read a book Lisa)

Marriage vs Single Life

Little Background- Lisa is married and is Pro Single I am Single and Pro Marriage. As some one who has been single for good portion of his adult life I can say honestly, without hope or agenda, that it’s a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Wait- my worst enemy is Lisa- stupid logic puzzles. Marriage is awesome.

The Case for Marriage

Rule #56 Don't Quote Wedding Crashers

Who am I kidding? Weddings are awesome. I personally plan on having several. It’s the only time in your life that all of your best friends and family will get together, drink, dance, give you bs advice, and make unnecessarily long toasts. It’s worth getting married just for the wedding- who cares if you're right for each other. You could be married for 11 years waiting in line at Costco next to an older, meaner, version of the woman you married- but if you close your eyes and remember how awesome the wedding was- it almost makes it all worth it. Almost.

LheartVE

It’s "Love is patient love is kind" not "Complete autonomy and a decently furnished condo with 2 black labs is patient and kind". Love is like the thing right? Its what inspires pop songs and domestic disputes. People go their whole life just wanting to be love- that’s it right? I'm seriously asking- I have no idea- I am not a doctor. But if given the choice between love and being alone- people would always choose love right? It’s like choosing between Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown.

Taxes.

I don’t plan on paying taxes but I hear you get some sweet tax breaks when your married.

The Case Against Single Life

Dying Alone.

When you single- you die alone. That sounds terrible. Your funeral has like 7 people and 2 of them are middle-aged men you never met in person but chatted with on a Dallas Mavericks Web Forum. The Horror. You need someone to go out with- It gives your whole life validation You want somebody to be miserable and wear black for a year after your death You want someone you can whisper- "if you remarry I will haunt you forever" to right before you take your last breath. Its only natural.

Trust Me.

Lisa- you can't get more single than me. It’s terrible. Here’s the difference between Marriage and Single Life

Married Life

You come home to a house with a loving husband and you guys have dinner together. You might do cool husband/wife dinners like "Taco Night" or might even join a supper club with other newlyweds. When you do the dishes you say cool things like "you wash I dry?" then you laugh and laugh about sharing health benefits. Then you guys walk your dog together in the park. Then you go to your Queen Size bed you read "Eat Pray Love" while Matt reads "Freakanomics" You tell each other "I love you" then go to sleep in each other's arms.

Single Life

For Dinner tonight it took me 20 minutes to decide which Campbells Chunky Soup I should eat- ( I went with Chicken Fajita) I then ate it by myself on the couch while watching 2 DVR-ed episodes of Cash Cab. Then I went to grocery store in sweatpants and Birkenstocks and hung out in the vitamin aisle for like a half an hour- just looking. I didn't even buy anything. I just looked. After I left the grocery store I thought "Dang- I forgot to get AA batteries" which happens every time I leave the grocery store. Then I went home- texted obscure SNL quotes to my other single friends and went to bed alone

But I do get to play Xbox anytime I want so maybe its not all bad.

Marriage kills Single Life. I hope Matt dutch ovens your bed tonight Lisa.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. HORSES HATE CARRIAGES. Now, Sabine is single and I think he has placed marriage on a pedestal. While my marriage is pretty much perfect, there are many that are not. The divorce rate is 50%...that’s higher than Bush’s approval rating which doesn’t say a whole lot, but still. For many people in America, marriage blows. Here’s why…

Movie Nights

What do you want to watch? Comedy. What do you want to watch? Action. DAMMIT. If you’re single you never have this problem. You flip on your tv, browse the free movies On Demand and pick one. If it sucks, you turn it off and there isn’t some annoying person next to you saying “oh, let’s give it a chance, it has Eva Mendes in it.” You might think that this isn’t a serious problem, but let me tell you why it is. You end up wasting $4.34 at Blockbuster on Grindhouse when you could have seen The Proposal (which I hear is awesome). And you’ll never get those two hours back. Never.

Closet Space

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? While your husband may only have 3 pairs of shoes, that’s 3 too many for me. I am a strong, independent woman, and my clothes that support my severe addiction to capitalism need their space dammit! I can tell you, from personal experience, the secret to a successful marriage (if such a thing exists) is separate closets. Take that Dr. Phil.

Taxes

F that, I know nothing about taxes. My husband is an accountant.

Snowball Effect

Marriage. House. Dog. Dog poop duty. All of these things are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, I’m a soldier and I handle all of them with poise and grace. Any weaker person, let’s say John, would crumble under the pressure of a mortgage. Have you ever heard of the sub prime mortgage crisis? Yeah, that was caused by the Johns of this world. Do you think John could handle a dog? No way…dogs handle John. Literally, once I saw a Cocker Spaniel grab John’s ass.

Fatness

You’ll get fatter. Trust me.

Single Life Excitement

I remember my single life. I ate my favorite cereal every night. I lived the American Dream (struggling to pay rent and make ends meet). I enjoyed not shaving my legs for weeks at a time. I would stretch out in my cold, empty bed allllllllll by myself.

All of my role models are still single. I just wish I had the courage to be more like Oprah or George Clooney, or maybe even Rosie O’Donnell. Stay single people…trust me. If you’re not careful you’ll have a really cute house, dog and a husband raking in the dough. Run…run…

Batman vs. Superman

First of all I want to take full responsibility for the gap between posts. Lisa was on top of the ball and I was very busy these past two weeks. But you know what they say- those seeing eye dogs aren't going to train themselves. Lisa how has your online poker addiction going? How about you go "all in" and check into rehab finally?

Batman vs Superman?? Cakewalk. I've never done an actual cakewalk but it must be like the easiest thing you can do. So the answer is Batman. Holy slice of Funfeti Batman!

Helpful Hint. When reading this debate I suggest reading aloud using a deep raspy ridiculous voice. If you start to sound like a chain smoking muppet- then you've nailed the Batman voice!

The Case for Batman

Alter Ego

Here's a hot fresh questie. Let's say Robin Williams popped into your breakfast nook one day and said "Hey- if you had the choice to either be a nerdy journalist or a millionaire playboy who dates a new model every night"- what would you choose? 1. You probably ask Robin Williams how he got in your breakfast nook. 2 You would probably ask him to refund your money for Bicentennial Man, Jakob the Liar, and Patch Adams. 3. You'd say Millionaire Playboy for sure! 4. Seriously Mr. Williams get out of nook or I'll make you a real member of the dead poets society.

Bruce Wayne is so much cooler than Clark Kent. I feel like its a waste of our time to argue for something so universally accepted. So instead of arguing I am going to play some Free Cell.

.........

That game is dumb.

Ladies Ladies Ladies

Look if anyone knows anything about me they know I hate glass ceilings. They're impractical and hard to keep clean. I think women and men should be equal in the work place. But Lois Lane is obnoxious y'all. She is completely career centered and prone to getting captured or falling off the Daily Planet. She doesn't treat Clark very well in fact many times she belittles his small town upbringing. And while she might be "news room hot" that doesn't mean shes actually hot. I am looking at you Nancy Grace.

Bruce always gets hot models, dancers, or girl next door yet tough as nails Public Attorney's. Plus throw Poison Ivy and Catwoman in the mix Batman becomes like the Wilt Chamberlain of superheros.

Villains

If you want to become an Icon you are only as good as your nemesis. Grant had Robert E. Lee. Magic had Larry bird. Brown had his Board of Education. Batman had the Joker. Batman had Twoface. Batman had the Riddler.

Who does a Superman have? Daddy Warbucks? A rich bald guy? thats all he has to battle? I mean Kojak is scary but come on.

The Batman villains are disturbed and powerful- like a fifteen year old girl asking out a boy at a Hot Topic. Superman villains look like they should be selling you life insurance during Jeopardy commercials. Bad villains- no conflict- stupid superhero. Holy deductive reasoning, Batman!

The Case against Superman

In the name of the Father, the Yellow Sun, and the Holy Spirit

Let me tell you story. Its about a father who sends his only son to Earth. This son has gifts that he uses to selflessly help mankind. Whenever this son feels conflicted, he looks to the sky to speak to his father for guidance. The Son dies and resurrects. Sound familiar? Thats the story of Superman- yup Right Wing Christian Propaganda. While Batman was saving his hometown from corruption - Superman was brainwashing the youth of American with explicit Bible messages. Lois Lane - her first and last name both start with the same letter- same with Mary Magdalene. The villain's name was Lex LUTHOR- Martin LUTHER rebelled against the Church in 1492. So that's what they meant by "Truth Justice and the American Way"

Where's your Man of Steel now??

Night approaches. And now is the time Lisa sends her goons (Matt) onto me- why does she hunt me? Because I'm the hero Lisa vs John deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So she'll hunt me. Because I can take it. Because I'm not a hero. I'm a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

(Brushes teeth with Bat brush. Spit in Bat sink. Put in Bat retainer. Charge Bat cell phone. Read Bat Newsweek. Take Bat Tylenol PM. Turn off Bat lamp. Dream Bat Dreams)

Hey, John! Remember that time we were at Bay to Breakers and I saved your life by calling that guy who had your phone? Or that other time when I saved your life by reminding you to mind the gap in London? Or that other time when I removed your gall bladder? While I 100% regret helping you, it did make me feel pretty good. There’s a word for people like me…and that word is superhero. There’s a word for people like you, but I don’t want to offend our readership. I’ll just tell you it rhymes with bouche tag. So, as a super hero myself, I think I need to let people know who is truly superior in the battle of Batman vs. Superman. It’s all in his name…he’s super and he’s a man. Much better than a man who is a bat…bats carry disease and depressing connotations.

Sidekicks

Who needs one? Batman…that’s who. Superman is a lone wolf, a solitary soldier, a modern day Clint Eastwood, if you will. The badass one - not the talented director one. He can take care of himself and there is no need for a homoerotic friendship. Although, fun fact, at one point there was a “Krypto the Superdog.” He filled in a few gaps for Superman such as providing an acute sense of smell and a yearning for bacon. His kryptonite? Kitties.

Attire

Superman isn’t into kitschy things like dressing like animals. You know that guy who tattooed his whole face and got whiskers implanted to look like a tiger? Yeah, would you call him a superhero? No, you would call him crazy. I would also call someone who wanted to be a bat crazy. It’s simple math, people. Oh...that's right - John failed Math 6. All those "Pythagorean QUEERum" jokes did you no good, Sabine. Back to the lecture at hand, Superman’s very basic tights, speedo and cape tell me he’s into saving people…not going to some anime convention and trying to show up all the other weirdos.

He’s a one-woman man

I have 19 words for you: Lois Lane is super hot and that whole assertive reporter gig she has goin on makes her even hotter. Clark Kent yearns for her, and Superman acts on this by sweeping her off her feet cooking her a nice steak dinner, asking about her day and actually LISTENING and then he uses his superpowers to do good in the boudoir. He sounds like a dreamboat to me…much better than some bat that sires illegitimate children. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Batman. Did you know he has a son with Talia al Ghul AND Catwoman? His son’s name is Damien, and if you were to ask Damien two words to describe his father he would certainly say he’s conceited and a cheap bastard who never coughs up his child support. As for his daughter, whom Catwoman raised single handedly (power to ya sista), she is still dealing with a lot of daddy issues. She thinks he’ll come around, but we all know that won’t happen. She gets in relationships with older men thinking that will replace the void, and I think we all know how that story goes…annanicole..cough.

Kryptonite is his only weakness

Do you know where to find any kryptonite? Me neither. His only weakness (well, maybe not only, he has been know to sit down with a gallon of ice cream and get through at least half - goodness!) is something that doesn’t even really exist on Earth. If you want to find Batman’s weakness, all you need to do is distract him with a pretty lady then shoot him in the face or something. If you tried to shoot Superman in the face, he’d just run away from it since he is faster than a speeding bullet. That’s not just a colloquialism, it’s fact.

The Case Against Batman

I'm going to lay it all out there - I hate Christian Bale. Maybe it's just the tool-ish image I can't get out of my head from American Psycho, but I see Christian Bale as pastel polo wearing, Ed Hardy loving, slicked back hair kind of skeezeball. A real life tokenfratboy. Didn't he beat his mom and wife or something? And he talks funny - like there is some peanut butter stuck in his upper lip. I think I've said enough. I'm too annoyed by the image of him. I need serenity...ooh Bob Ross is on - perfect.

I hope next time you’re in trouble, John, I’m there to push you in that gap, or let your phone remain lost, or even let your gall bladder seep harmful chemicals that supposedly cause your nausea after eating a bagel bite. With the distance between us, my job has been made much harder. Just know that any friend you make in Chicago might be hired by me to make your life suck (worse). I am everywhere you look…smokebomb.

Kanye West vs Common Sense

Hey Lisa, I was just taking a boat ride down the Chicago River listening to "The Way You Look Tonight" and I got to thinking. Lets make a pact. When we turn 50 and if we both are still not married; lets have one last battle in Cyborg Suits- Loser gets fed to a Robot T-Rex. Because it will be 2034 and we'll definitely have robot dinosaurs. Deal? Awesome.

So I guess all is NOT quiet on the Kanye Western Front. If you haven't heard some rapper named The Kayne West did something at something called the Video Music Awards to one time Hanson brother, Taylor Swift. In the case of West v. Common Sense this jury rules whole heartily in favor Kanye. Call me Gold Bond because I'm about to get topical.

First of all, this isn't a debate about Kanye bum rushing Taylor Swift during her speech. Of course that singular instance was wrong. This is about the bigger picture: Kayne vs Common Sense. And I think if you take a closer look you'll see there is a crystal meth-od to his madness.

The Case for Kayne West

So you think there is structure in this world? You say ridiculous things like "everything happens for a reason" or "I'm not really like a religious person but I'm very spiritual." When your friend Jesse calls while you are listening to Rick Springfield you freak out and attribute it to some higher power. What do you think this is? The LOST Island?? Nothing happens for a reason- the world is a cold sphere of randomness and chaos and Kayne West personifies this truth.

The world is unpredictable and chaotic; just look at Hurricanes, Earthquakes, or success of Two and a Half Men. We need to be on our toes at all times and Kanye is like that helpful reminder. He's that little voice that says "Y'all watch out. Things can get weird and uncomfortable at a moments notice."

Here's a hypothetical situation off the top of my head. Let's say a teenage girl, who maintains a pristine and classy image in a society that rewards promiscuity and innuendo, goes to an award show. Now this girl finally wins an award she's always dreamed of winning. She delivers a very sincere and grateful speech. Midway through her speech she must be thinking "Wow everything happens for a reason- dreams DO come true." But ladies and gentlemen- dreams don't come true- people just don't go to John Stamos' birthday party. So Kanye is off stage thinking "Its my duty to remind the world that a moments notice a crazy man can ruin this girl's night". He uses his ninja training to bypass the security guard (who is just a drunk C.T. from the Real World) he grabs the mic and drops some knowledge on the world.

Here's a clip of Kanye restoring the balance during an innocent Katrina benefit with local funny man Mike Meyers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI

Actually here's a time line of West keeping the world on its toes. It looks like a crazy person's to do list.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2009/sep/14/kanye-west-taylor-swift-timeline

The Case Against Common Sense.

This is 2009. This is America. There's no such thing as Common Sense. Common Sense is just something that gets in America's way of being awesome. "Common Sense" told us that there probably wasn't WMD's in Iraq- stupid Common Sense. In 2000, "Common Sense" told us that the historically democratic Jewish residents of Palm Beach County Florida probably meant to vote for Gore/Lieberman. But "Common Sense" forgot that it was dealing with America. Its in our DNA to go against Common Sense. Neil Armstrong didn't listen to Common Sense in 1969. Team USA Hockey didn't listen to Common Sense in 1980. Kayne West didn't listen to Common Sense in 2009.

I am told that Common Sense is also a book. Well riddle me this LaVar Burtons. What sold more copies: Common Sense by Thomas Paine or Twiilight: New Moon? Is there a Common Sense Movie coming out starring Tom Hanks with weird sort of long hair?? I didn't think so. Must not be that good of a book. And you can take my word for it.

In Kanyeclusion

Crucify Kanye if you will. But aren't you just crucifying your own fears about a chaotic and random world?? Plus if you crucify him- he'll probably like it- that dude's got a Jesus thing. Kayne has and will always be a quasi successful rapper who likes to do crazy things that will get people to talk about it for 36 hours. In fact- when this blog goes it up it'll probably already be "sooooo September 13". Thank you very much Internet!

Lisa how could you be so Heartless? Oh. How could you be so heartless?

2034. You and Me. Cyborg Suits. The Republic of New Texas. Robot Dinosaurs. Be There.

Common Sense. Hoo Hah. What is it good for? John and Kanye can’t tell ya. We all know why John doesn’t have common sense. It’s because he got his gall bladder (the common sense hormone producer) taken out in college. The good news is there are supplements available. The bad news is, John’s “job” is a ruse and he is not employed; hence, no medical insurance. Kanye, on the other hand, has no excuse. Even if he has had his gall bladder removed, he could certainly afford to purchase the common sense hormonal supplements. I mean, if he’s attracting gold diggers, as his hit song claimeth, then he’s doing fine. Here are some ways in which Kanye showed us that his common sense, like Justin’s old me, is dead and gone. Dead and gone. Dead and gone.

Legality.

Taylor Swift is 17. If I’m not mistaken (and I have made this mistake before) she is a minor, which makes her untouchable in many ways. Physically, don’t touch her. Not only does she have a huge Tongan bodyguard, but you will literally go to jail. Emotionally, don’t be an asshole to her. Think about how mentally stable you were at 17. I was ready to strangle anyone who told me I gained weight, and if some dude told me that Beyonce had a better video than me, you better bet I would decapitate him.

**Correction: She's 19, but this whole paragraph won't make sense if I change it. Deal with it.

Venue.

VMAs? Really? If you have something important to say, save it for a hard hitting news show. For example, if Kanye really wanted to get his message out, he should have gone on the View or the fourth hour of the Today Show. You’re never going to be taken seriously making bold political statements such as “Beyonce had the best video of all time” at the VMAs.

Too Bold.

Common sense would tell you to leave the “of all time” out of that statement. I’m sorry Kanye you must have missed Hasselhoff’s “Hooked on a Feeling” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8 or Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spaw8bCZMHc

Sunglasses.

He was wearing sunglasses inside. Common sense would tell a normal human like you or I that this is stupid. I don’t trust inside sunglass wearers.

Other times Kanye’s common sense clearly failed him:

• 2007 VMAs: Kanye resolves to never come to the show again after producers chose Britney Spears to open. She “hasn’t had a hit in years” claimed West. Don’t you dare mess with Britney…she’ll shave your head. Oh, and mighty strong resolve you have there Kanye, you came back next year.
• Hurricane Katrina Telethon: “Red cross is doing as much as they can. We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way. And now they've given them permission to go down and shoot us. George Bush doesn't care about black people.” All I have to say, is poor Mike Myers who had to stand next to him as he went on his tirade. If I were Mike Myers, I would have told him to www.zipit.com
• Those sunglasses with the lines through them. Ugly.

I know why John thinks Kanye is in the right. John does have a pair of those ugly sunglasses, and his baby momma car and crib is bigger than his. So, they do have a lot in common.

Raise your hand if you love a crisp, refreshing beverage on a hot day. Wow, everyone, okay. Raise your hand if you hate John. Wow, everyone? I knew I hated him, but this comes as quite the surprise to me. Nah, not really. Okay, you can put your hands down now. As for the crisp, refreshing drink, you should certainly pick Coke. Coca-cola has the variety of a Mexican tienda and the reliability of Tim Gunn.

Options Galore

Did you know that Coca-Cola has a product called Bimbo? If that isn’t enough to convince you, perhaps some of my old friends will. Squirt, Dr. Pepper, Powerade, Fanta, and who needs Mountain Dew when you have Ice Dew. Lest I forget the drink of the 90s – Tab. And all of those have a diet options for those of you trying to look good in harem pants. Oh wait…no one looks good in those. Talk about a crappy trend.

Drugs

It’s not a myth (like John’s night on the town with John Stamos) it’s true!! Coca-Cola used to contain 9 milligrams of cocaine in each bottle. Then, in 1903, a bunch of party poopers decided that cocaine in your drink is “illegal.” That killed the party almost as fast as a girl talking about her study abroad experience.

Longevity

Coca-Cola has been around since 1886. What else has been around that long? Petroleum jelly, contact lenses, the electric chair and Larry King were all brought to life in 1886. Of those, I would prefer a coke. Their slogan in 1886? Drink Coca-Cola. Very succinct if you ask me.

The Case Against Pepsi

Health Hazard

Pepsi products are just about as good for you as taking Tyra Banks’ advice on health and fitness. My former friend John, as you may know, loves Mountain Dew. Well, I’m really sorry to inform you of this, John, but you are slowly shrinking your beloved wedding tackle. Yellow 5 shrinks your junk…at least that’s what I heard on Tyra.

Heavy reliance on pop stars

Coke relies on its product. Pepsi knows that its product sucks, so they reel in people like Britney Spears and Diddy to try to help them out. And might I add that the new logo looks like a Pokemon ball. So now, not only do they rely on pop stars, they are also grooming young children to become consumers of their product. Isn’t grooming a form of sexual misconduct? Shame on you Pepsi…

I implore you, to open happiness on the Coke side of life just for the thrill of it. And, John, I know the name of an excellent prosthetic doctor when you’re done doing the Dew.

Who can the make you vomit with her smile? Who can take an awesome day and suddenly make you want to drown in the Nile? Well its Lisa and you should know it. With each burp and every stupid joke you show it. Lisa really smells but we all know that. You can scare a town why don't you know that. I hope you get hit by a car. I hope you get hit by a car (Lisa throws her hat in the air then immdediately gets rocked by a PT Cruiser.)

There are two types of people in the world. Thats it. No matter what gender, religion, or late night host you identify with basically every person on Earth can be identified as a Coke person or a Pepsi person. Coke- Red. Pepsi- Blue. Its not a coinsedence that they choose those colors for Republicans and Democrats. Coke people like starting wars and golfing. Pepsi people are open new ideas and have Brita filters.

The Case for Pepsi

Star Power

If we have learned anything from the Democratic National Conventions is that what celebrities think is extremely important.And Celebrities love Pepsi. From Michael Jackson to Brittney Spears. Kids like videos- so here you go kids

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfxwXneCtEM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt8uNG02ixA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgr3_w4b_0Y

What would Jesus Dew?

In every Generation a son or daughter surpasses the prominence of their parent. Brett Hull roser higher than his father Bobby. Same goes for Freddie Prinze Jr, and somewhat remarkably Miley Cyrus. Mountain Dew has soared past its parent, Pepsi and its greatness has not been fully realized.

Mountain Dew is quite simply the world's most perfect drink. No one know's the exact recipe to this heavenly elixir although recent studies have shown that it contains Sabertooth Tiger Adrenaline and tears from the Aztec god Quezacotl. John Hinckly Jr. would have been successful in his assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan had Reagan not just drank an entire 2 liter of Mountain Dew just before the shooting. In 1989 an unknown Chinese man was able to stop tanks from entering Tienanmen Square after he killed a 6pack of Dew

I know there are some are some negative rumors about the effect of Mountain Dew on a person's sperm count. This is just a horrible urban myth; like semicolons or the NIT basketball tournament. Mountain Dew was introduced in 1940 and since then the World Population has ballooned to 6 billion. Myth Busted! (Immediately after typing this the Discovery Channel faxed me a lawsuit for trademark infringement)

The Case Against Coke

Say Hello to my Little Friend....cocaine. The Friend is cocaine; because it used to be in Coke.

Coca-Cola gets its name from the the two ingredients that gave it its flavor. Cocaine and Koala Nut extract. I remember when I was really into Coca-Cola. The year was 1987 and it was my first year on Wall Street. The only thing better than greed that year was the 3am Coca-Cola parties. One party in particular- it was Christmas night and I found myself in the basement of the club "Excalibur" with Joe Piscopo. He said something to me that struck a wrong chord. Long story long Joe Piscopo was declared dead that snow capped Christmas Night and if it wasn't for Michael Dukakis knowing CPR, Piscopo would've stayed dead. The next morning I hopped into my Delorean and drove to Rehab. Sandra, my future wife, ended up being my nurse. I've been off Coca-Cola for 12 years now.

I hope you guys PepSEE the clear winner- Pepsi.

I wish I had more time to write a hilariously biting insult paragraph against Lisa but I have to go run a 5k to raise money to pay Ex Simpsons writers to think of insults against Lisa.

Take a shower, Lisa, you're married.

Love Always,

John