Colts vs Saints

How has your decade been, Lisa? I can’t wait till VH1 does “Worst Decade Ever" and its all about you. Michael Ian Black has some hilarious observations about your terrible life.

Big Sports Week- and no I am not talking about Junior Goodwill hockey final between USA and Team Iceland. (although I hear that the USA goalie is fat and the rest of team gets into madcap high jinx) Its Superbowl week and instead of debating which team will win- Its time to put to bed the age old rilvary....

Colts vs Saints!

My name is John Michael and although I have Saints to thank for my awesomley unique first and middle names there is no way Saints are better Colts. Saddle up - listen to Motown Filly- it will beHOOF you to take to this in.

So during college I dated the Horse Whisperer's step daughter. For the sake of anyomity we'll call her Krysten Swensen. During the 1.8 times I met said Whisperer he passed along to me the wisdom and spirit of these majestic creatures. Side note- turns out if you want to get something or someone to do what you want all you have to do is whisper. Thats it. I tried it on my local Mountain Dew delivery man and lets just say I am sitting pretty on top of the mountain. (was that metaphor clear? he gave me alot of Mountain Dew- thats what I'm trying to convey.)

One sun-drenched August day The Whisperer offered me his most wild filly, "Condoleeza". I cautiosly approached the irritable beast, got inches away from her left ear and whispered "Hey Horsy- dont be butthead." Her eyes flashed to mine and we stood there frozen in time- the Western Sun setting behind the cumbersome hill- but at that moment I knew she was mine. Then The Whisperer and I rode to the top of Big Horn, he offered me a Malboro Red, I declined; and as we stood looking out at the serene plains of the Equality State he turned and whispered, "Jeff, let me tell you the history of these beasts; these Colts...."

For the next 3 hours he ragailed me with the the rich history but to be honest it was hard to hear what with the whispering and all. However I did pick up on some important dates I would be remiss if I didnt pass them along.

- May 1, 1523- The Festival of Spring. Hastings the Blacksmith is given a horse as a gift then immediately looks in the horse's mouth- the town is outraged- Hastings is hanged...hung? which one is it?

- November 13 1887- Glue is invented in Ireland- horses weep. This day is henceforth known as "Gluey Sunday"

- January 4th 1902- German Car Manufactuer BMW coins the term "horse power" to describe the power of its automobile. 108 years later, the term is still used even though no one understands that frame of reference.

- August 11 1989, John James Sabine returns home from work to find his son 5 year old son, John Michael Sabine playing with a "My Little Pony". John James fixes himself a stiff drink.

With the Milky White Crescent moon guarding over the slumbering prairie, he whispered something to his charcoal stallion- she let out a booming “niegghhh” and he and her flew off. He literally flew into the sky- I never saw him again.

That night I learned that Colts are a huge part our history-Colts have helped us fight our wars and deliver our mail. Without Colts, Paul Revere would not have been able to make his midnight ride and Toby Maguire would not have been able to make a movie with Jeff Bridges. In some weird way we are more indebted to Colts than Saints. Also I bet you can name more famous horses than you can name Saints. And don’t say St Francis of Assisi- that’s a copout.

The Case Against Saints

I am waiting in line for confession as I write this- who knew that St Ida's Church has wifi but not a public restroom?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Besides Mother Theresa, Oprah, and Lisa’s husband, Matt, can you name a modern era Saint? I get it – if you got your head chopped off in 325 AD you got to become a saint. I know what you’re thinking, Lisa “But 325 AD- wasn’t that when Constantine 1 called for the Council of Nicaea and established which Gospels to use, when Easter should be (after the first full moon following the vernal equinox- duh) as well as the Nicene Creed??” Shut up Lisa!

Do you believe in Miracles??

Becoming a Saint is harder to than getting Lisa’s attention during a “Man vs Food” marathon on the Travel Channel. Did you know that you have to have 3 miracles attributed to you in order to become a saint? That means if you bring someone back to life and walk on water- that’s not enough Miracles. But in order to increase my chances of becoming St. John the Gaunt, I am going to sit here and Rent “Miracle”, eat some Miracle Whip, while listening to “Miracles” by Jefferson Starship- that’s 3 right there. Easy Peasy Jeezy Creezy.

This Sunday when you are in between watching Viagra commercials and eating Totinos Pizza Rolls deciding who to cheer for- remember that Colts, not Saints, that helped tame this wild country- from sea to shining sea. You might even call it Peyton Manning-fest Destiny.

I hope the Saints march all over you Lisa.

Well, John we meet again. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog’s Day? This blog has made my life feel like I’m trapped in that movie. I wake up, get on Gmail, and you harass me about useless crap. What’s your favorite Nick Cage movie? What should we write about next? Take a look at this rash and tell me if you think it’s normal. Over and over and over again. WHEN WILL I WAKE UP?!

So we’re here to discuss a question that a lot of people will bet money on. Who is better – colts or saints? Let’s get this going – I have a delicious dinner in the oven…at Outback.

Get in touch with your roots, John – stop dying your hair.

Saints are so important that 98% of California cities are named after them. Where is your loyalty, John? You went to Santa Clara in San Jose…which is near Santa Cruz and San Francisco. You know – our rivals were kinda Saint Mary’s? You would think that with all of these saints around you for four of your most impressionable years you would have a little respect. St. Swig would be disappointed. And no, I’m not talking about Lester.

A Term of Endearment

Thanks darling, you’re a colt. No. That doesn’t work at all. If you call someone a saint, you’re insinuating that they’re just swell. If you call someone a colt, they would maybe think you’re calling them a pistol and they might take that as a come on. This is bound to cause confusion.

Historicalness

Saints are important. Any Catholic person can tell you that ahemJOHN. Apparently, if you’re a Saint that means you’re in heaven. Now, let’s not get too deep here, that’s not my style, but if there is a heaven, we would all like to be there. However, I doubt many of my favorite TV shows play there – so maybe I’ll pass. If they have Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ll go.

The Case Against Colts

Underage

Colts can’t even get it on. They’re four or younger. They probably can’t even get big horse boners. Their voice cracks, they smell horrible, their acne is painful to look at, and they just sleep ALL the time. All the mares out there agree that they’re completely worthless.

I’m not going to pretend to know too much more about colts – only this. If a saint tried to fight a colt, the colt would probably win. BUT the saint would go to heaven and then the joke’s on that stupid colt. Chew your cud you dummy.

I hope you don’t have play practice or dance rehearsal on the Superbowl, John. That would really threaten your manhood. That, and you’re Adam Lambert CD collection. If you can, tune in to watch your poor prepubescent colts get whipped by some holy old guys.

Football vs Soccer

Happy New Year!

I just want to clear up a rumor. Yes Lisa and I sometimes gamble with each other. And Yes Lisa has been on a hot streak as of late. And Yes I may or may not owe Lisa $46,000 dollars. But when I mailed her 3 Samurai Swords with a note that said “Choose One” – I meant it as a joke. And when I tweeted “Lisa btter step off bc she know that I gots swordz!” it was just a continuation of the original joke- a “callback” is what we call it in the biz. Plus it wasn’t that dangerous. The Swords were in their sheaths. But I accept responsibility for my actions and have already reached out to Tony Dungy for guidance.

In other news, my celebration of the first Cowboys playoff victory since I was in 6th grade was marred by Lisa and I would like to address it:

Lisa, your Romophobia is appalling. For the last time- I cant “choose” whether or I am a Tony Romo fan, I guess I’ve always been one but now I’m out with it. And for the first time, better or worse, I feel like myself- why can’t you accept that? I expected more from you, Lisa. You, Sir, are a rabid Romophobic. Which leads me to…

Football vs Soccer!

I get it Lisa, you studied abroad in college and it “totally changed your life”. You lie and tell people that Nutella is better than Peanut Butter because you think it makes you sound more cultured. You watched 2.8 soccer games in a pub and you bought one of those soccer scarves so you think you’re a fan. Well Lisa, you aren’t the Queen of England and soccer is sport for 8 year olds.

I know its easy, being from Seattle, to turn your back on America- that city is practically a principality- but remember that America is at war- remember these colors don't run- remember Beyonce had on of the best videos of all time. Football is American Lisa, don't hate America.

The Case for Football

You’re Everywhere to Me

With NFL Network, Twitter, Direct TV, Blogs, and Espn, you can consume football around the clock. It never ends. Its perfect for fans. Football is total nonstop action 24/7/365 till 2012. During the season- it can be the only form of entertainment you ingest and you can still never be satisfied. Can Soccer say that? Probably not- there are too many leagues and sexy Dutch car commercials.

Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

Fantasy Football is awesome. If it wasn’t for Fantasy Football men in their 20s and 30s would have nothing to talk about. The corporate work environment would be silent. If Fantasy Football didn’t exist men would have to talk about things like their feelings and, Sisters, we know that’ll never happen! And how come men always NEED to have the remote control- and they’re always checking their Iphones- I mean its like “Helloooooo I’m right here- can’t we have a conversation for once- is that so difficult??” Anyway- Fantasy Football is awesome.

My Bowl is Super! Thanks for asking!

Q. What is the lowest crime day every year?

A. Superbowl Sunday! (I didn’t check this it just seems right)

Using that made up fact- if we just had the Superbowl every day America would have low crime! Who doesn’t want that? Superbowl Sunday probably beats most holidays. Great food- hilarious commercials- gambling- way past their prime rockers from the 70s- unwanted nipples- it has it all!

The Case Against Soccer

Q: What’s the Hardest thing about playing Soccer?

A: Telling your dad gay rollerblade jokes.

1-0 What a Gripping Game!

Nothing really happens. Out of the whole game maybe 2 or 3 goals happen. That’s it. I’m not trying to rent Devil’s Advocate- I’m just being honest.

"Athlete’s" Foot?

Who’s the biggest soccer star in America? Landon Donovan? He looks like the not famous Lawrence brother. If he was more athletic he would’ve tried to play football or basketball but he looked around and said- whelp if all the Larry Fiztgeralds and Michael Vicks are doing football- I’ll try soccer.

I know people are going to fake excitement for the South African World Cup- Sure it might be a little more fun that District 9- But I also know everyone who reads this will be at a Super Bowl Party this year. And it will be an awesome time. Soccer is just an excuse for nations to hate each other by using a sport to mask their deeply rooted prejudice. Yeah, I said it. 2010 is all about getting real.

There is one exception to the Soccer is lame argument and its this guy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Cooper

Let the record show that Kenny Cooper is the man.

Hey Lisa- if you get the Swine Flu is it just called the Flu? Go Cowboys- Get Real- 2K10.

I get it, John. You’re an American. An American that wears a Longhorns T-shirt and hat with tennis shoes in swanky London town. I get it – we all get it, you suck. Really you don’t have to point that out anymore.

Do you know who’s cooler than John? You’re right – everyone, but I was thinking of Europeans particularly. You know what Europeans do besides drink a hell of a lot? They play soccer. Ok, I know it’s not entirely correct to call it soccer, but I’m an old dog that can’t learn new vocabulary. The rest of the world is enamored with the sport, and while we try, it’s a pretty lame attempt. Not as lame of an attempt as the XFL, but that’s not on the agenda today. Why is soccer so cool you ask? Let me tell you.

David Beckham – he is incredibly attractive.

Cool Team Names

We feel some weird obligation to name our teams after animals. It’s weird. There are rare cases in which a panther or an eagle excelled in a sport. European soccer teams are usually cool sounding words that we can’t really pronounce right, but when you do try to say them it sounds like you’re really cultured. “Excuse me, kind sir did you happen to catch the final score of the Valencia Mallorca match? I do say, the calls were poppycock.”

Chanting – not the cult kind, the cool kind

What do we have? Deee-fense deee-fense. That’s about it. It seems like every soccer team has a song, a choreographed dance, a toast that they do at the local pub, hand motions, smoke signals - all that cool stuff.

Hooligans

I don’t know if everyone has seen Green Street Hooligans here, but it’s awesome. I like to imagine that every soccer team in Europe has a little Elijah Wood running around who is actually far more threatening than his size would indicate. Anyway, he starts fights and stuff and uses things like spiky clubs to whack the crap out of the other teams’ hooligans. I’m pretty sure that happens in real life, and that rocks.

Stamina

[Insert inappropriate sexual joke about John’s stamina here]. Soccer players run for 90 minutes. American football players start – stop – start – stop, and if you’re one of those fat guys who just stands there like a fat guy that no one can get around, you don’t even really have to run. Where, I ask you is the athleticism there? And if you’re really lucky, you can be a kicker who just goes out once in awhile, but still can’t seem to find a matching pair of shoes. Get it together, man.

The case against American Football

Homoeroticism

In what other sport does a grown man who “swears he likes women” place his hands directly under the junk of another man? Nope, no other sports, just American football. I’ll bet Tony Romo digs that.

Convicts and crappy human beings.

I’m just going to throw it out there – professional football players tend to be douchebags. They fight dogs, they shoot their own foot, they get DUIs galore, and they can’t make decisions about retirement. Soccer players hug each other when they make goals and they don’t have uncontrollable roid rage.

I realize that there are some people who will think I’m “un-American” by saying that soccer is cooler than football, but there are a lot of American things that should probably be revaluated like Texas. Secede already – you’re dragging us down.

By the way – John doesn’t even watch football. What’s the Cowboy’s record anyway John? WRONG – it is not Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits. Idiot stick.

90's vs. 00's

Happy New Year’s everyone!! Wow, I really had to force that one. Maybe I’m not very enthused because this New Year’s is kinda, well, blah. Yeah it’s the end of the decade, but maybe I’m not buying it because the excitement of Y2K is so fresh in my mind. Partying like it was 1999 was NOT just a song…it was a state of mind. The 90’s rocked – and not just in a flannel wearing kind of way. I’ll just toss out a few highlights – you can take them or you can throw them right back, but you’ll probably take them, lean back in your chair, stroke your chin, and say something to the effect of “those were the good ol’ days.” Well, you’re 25, stop saying that crap, you haven’t been alive long enough.

Television

TGIF

I’m going to put past debates behind me and say that all of the shows featured on TGIF were awesome. While it make have started in 1988, hear me out. The fame and fortune of TGIF (which actually means Thank Goodness it’s Funny – you can use that as your fun party fact now), was realized in the 90’s. Shows like Step by Step, Family Matters, Full House, and Boy Meets World all graced the line-up. Enter Debbie Downer 2000’s and you get crap like Two Guys and a Girl (about as hard to watch as two girls one cup), Norm and *poof *that’s the end of TGIF.

SNICK

SNICK formed me as an adult. It is because of SNICK that I won’t watch scary movies (I still have nightmares from Are You Afraid of the Dark), it is because of SNICK that I have a huge obsession with those hats with the giant flower on the front (thank you Clarissa), and it is because of SNICK that I have a recurring dream that I can turn into silvery liquid. Again, here comes 2000 and you’re stuck with The Amanda Show (she’s about as funny as that one time John emceed a funeral) and the un-funny version of All That (sans Kenan and Kel).

Music

Grunge

Ok, some would say that it really started in the 80’s, but it was in full swing by the early 90’s. Being from Seattle, I have to mention this game-changing genre of music. This was bigger than Kurt Cobaine, although even on his way out he still was trying to make it all about him. It was about flannel, not washing your hair, and saying really inappropriate things like “rape me,” and having it be ok because you’re just trying to be alternative. Rape me 90s…rape me.

Girl Power and Boy Bands

I don’t care what you say, somewhere deep down you either like N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, or Spice Girls – maybe all four – which is perfectly ok if you ask me. It made parting your hair down the middle cool for boys and being kinda dyke-ish as long as you’re skinny and wear tight track pants ok for girls. Those are contributions that will never be forgotten.

Movies

Titanic

I saw Titanic 8 times in the theater. Now, movies weren’t $15 like they are now, but that was still some serious money for a 7^th grader. That movie can make a grown lumberjack who hunts baby deer and then laughs when the mommy deer comes to find her baby decapitated cry. Also, the Titanic was so long, how long you say? It was so long it took up TWO VHS tapes!

Forrest Gump

This is definitely in my top 5 – and if you have a friend named Jenny, Dan or you like boxes of chocolates I guarantee you’ve benefited from this movie. Similarly if you have a friend named Forrest you’ve probably told him to run even when it didn’t make sense, but not many people know someone named Forrest. Unless you went to Santa Clara…then you’re thinking of Forrest right now and I’ll bet you thought of a story that made you giggle.

Al Gore Invents the Internet

Do you love facebook? Do you love reading our blog? Well let's pretend the 90's never happened - these things would be as impossible. Yeah, we might be smarter because we would actually retain information instead of just always saying - f it, I'll just google it, but think of the things we're capable of now thanks to the internet! For example, John wouldn't be able to browse Craigslist's erotic services for his Saturday night dates. Do do do do do do - do (Mario theme).

2000’s lowlights

9/11 – you’re not cringing because I went too far; you’re cringing because that is on record as the worst day ever. Thanks a lot 2000’s. Is that what I should call it? 2000’s? I still don’t actually know. Maybe it should be 00’s, or single digit years, or double O’s…you make me feel so stupid Oh-Oh’s!

Bush.

Katrina.

Darfur.

Afghanistan.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s breakup.

Iraq.

Wow – come to think of it, I’m really excited for this New Year’s. That means all that crap is behind us. This is where I could get really emotional about how Obama is the hope on the horizon, but I don’t want to sound too trendy. Well John, I hope this New Year’s you stick to your resolution of gaining the weight and KEEPING it on, and I hope you find the strength to quit Mountain Dew. Oh, and I hope you close your eyes to zero in on your midnight kiss and it actually turns out to be a porcupine. An ugly porcupine.

I hope everyone had a Wonderful Christmas.!

Lisa. I hope yours was adequate.

Yes I do hate Lisa more than Borat hates Gypsies. I know what you are thinking- a Borat reference now?? Well its in the end of the decade so this battle will be chock full of pop culture references from the 2000-2009, Your mom goes college!

Lisa we don’t along; its just a fact of nature. We are like Snooki and The Situation, Chinese Gymnasts and legitimate birth certificates, White Tigers and Roy, or Napster and Metallica. (you forgot about Napster huh? You know who didn’t? Skeet Ulrich.)

The 1990’s vs 2000’s

I know that the 2000’s on the surface may not seem like a clear cut winner. Two recessions, one 9/11, one Katrina, and two Wars looks terrible. But let me work it, I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Lets see this decade as half full as Octomom saw her uterus.

Lisa you are going to fold just like Enron…or Lehman Brothers….or Pets.com…or Circuit City….actually- maybe economy jokes are still too soon.

The Case for 2000’s

I AM Somebody!

This was the decade that the first person singular became important. Where regular ole people could tell the world about their thoughts and feelings and their day to day activity. This blog is a perfect example, we write dumb sentences for like the dozen or so people who read this but I know someone in Japan has clicked on this site and found out that I like Zach Morris more than Slater. That’s loco ese. In the 1990’s we didn’t have facebook. How would I know that pirates hate ninjas. Or that according to my little cousin “finals are sucky and parents took away phone FML”??

The 2000’s made us feel important. We supplied the internet with personal information regardless of demand. This ain't reality TV!

IPOD Therefore I am (I take that back)

Have you seen these things? You can fit like thousands of CDs onto them- take that 90s. You’re my boy, Blue!

Barack Obama

The 90s ended with the first black president and the 00’s are ending with first real black president. Take that 90’s: my president is blacker than yours. (Although its close)

TV

The Television in the 2000s destroys 1990s. Sopranos, The Wire, Curb, LOST, Mad Men, Always Sunny, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Office – tv was crazy. To give you a frame of reference this decade people wondered who Jacob was- in the 90s people wondered who Wilson from Home Improvement was. Is this real life?

The Case Against the 90’s

Nothing happened. Besides the Dream Team and Clinton Scandal it was a dull 10 years. We got Jordan winning championships and a bunch of cigar jokes- that’s it. At least with 00’s something happened. I need more cowbell!

Fashion

I mean I like flannel and Doc Martens as much as the next guy but I"ve been to Lilith fair- twice! The 90s need to hang up their JNCOS and No Fear Shirts and enter the future.

Unfortunately for you, Lisa, I have a bunch references from the 2000s that I still want to use, so I thought I would write one closing argument against you to close this decade. Lisa you are like the Justin Guarini to my Kelly Clarkson. You make Omarosa look like Susan Boyle. Your arguments are as effective as the Kyoto Protocol and as real as WMDs. You are a flip flopper who should keep your opinions in a lock box. I am like Ken Jennings and you are like Janet Jackson’s nipple: shamed and exposed. Sometimes when we talk it feels like waterboarding and I secretly hope you choke on your freedom fries.

Who am I kidding, Lisa? You make my heart soar like Falcon Heene.You make me want to jump onto a couch in forced joy. Why can’t I quit you?

Happy New Years Everybody- I hope you Blackout like the Eastern Seaboard on August 14, 2003.

I’m out like the XFL and Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Cowboys vs Indians

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody. Lisa I hope your Thanksgiving was terrible obviously. Being from Seattle, you probably woke up- went to a protest then came home to your tree house just in time to put the Tofurkey into the Ora Chamber. Sorry if that's not my cup of tea- I'm an American, Lisa. I like my turkey huge and my 2nd amendment intact.

*For the record I thought in honor of Thanksgiving we were going to debate Indians vs Pilgrims. I am very glad I that is not the case. Its hard to argue for intolerant white people. Glenn Beck I'm looking in your direction. (I don't actually know who Glenn Beck is, I just see on Facebook that people don't like him and wanted to seem cool)

Lisa is also part Native American so I have added inspiration to argue against them.

Enough Chit Chat- lets burn this wagon.

Cowboys vs Indians

The Case for Cowboys

West Gone Wild!

The Wild West was awesome. It was like Springbreak all year long. You ride horses, rob banks, drink out of jugs that say XXX, fight, then hang out with Saloon Girls. Sign me up for that fantasy camp. If they got bored they would just dual people. At high noon. You ever wonder why they dueled at NOON instead of at dawn? Because they were too hung over from the awesome night before to wake up before Noon. The piano player would even keep playing during a bar room brawl. You think that Cowboys had to sit in conference rooms at 3:45 on a Tuesday Afternoon to listen about important it is to be "proactive"?? No way man.

Legends.

Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Cody, Woody, these are but a few Cowboy Legends. Here are some lesser known Cowboys, "Tumbleweed Douglass", "Lazy Susan", "Jasper the Indifferent", "Shootin' Blanks Sam", "Loud Vegan Carl", and Teddy Roosevelt.

Duel.

No, I am not talking the riveting Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I'm talking about having a minor disagreement and risking your life over it. You said I cheated at cards? We'll lets shoot guns at each other- TOMORROW. Its the way men used to handle disputes. If you lived- you were right. It was the ultimate judge jury and executioner. Turns out Alexander Hamilton was wrong about whatever he thought was worth dying over.

Make it Work.

Cowboy Hat, Jeans, Boots. Its 2009 and millions of people still rock it. I don't see people rocking feathers out. I guess moccasins made it- but thats really it.

Tim Gunn would be proud. Plus his name is Gunn. Cowboys loved guns.

Superbowls.

5 Superbowl Victories. Not bad.

The Case Against Indians.

* I realize how problematic it is to even write the phrase "the case against Indians". I am just looking at it specifically with their relation to Cowboys. Native Americans are a important and rich people with a vibrant and interesting history- they should be celebrated. But in relation to Cowboys- they suck.

Real Estate

Indians historically have not been the best real estate agents. They gave up Manhattan for like some beads. Now I love beads just as much as the next camper in the 60's but you got to think they have some buyers remorse.

Crybabies

Lets say you are walking around eating delicious beef jerky and you can't find a trash can so you harmlessly throw it on the ground. You better check to see if any Indians are around or else you'll have to deal some EMOTION. Indians cry when they see trash its a fact. (Please note how obvious of a Trail of Tears joke would've been here. I refrained, see, Ashley?? I can act mature.....please call me back, I'll be cool- I promise)

At this point I realized how tough it was to make a case against a certain people without sounding like a flaming racist- no matter how funny it was. So I enlisted my good friend, Cowboy Lover, and Lisa Hater, Tommy DuRoss to help. Here are some nuggets he dropped

Tommy Thoughts

"If television has taught us anything, and i think we can all agree that it has, its that Indians are the bad guys"

"you think you are so cool because you crossed the Bering straights like a million years before the Europeans arrived. Yeah. Real Original."

"Pass the Peace Pipe?? No thank you, Indians. I've been to a Jason Mraz concert, thank you very much!

BOOM- There you have it. Lisa I hope your Scalp is blown. Special Thanks to Tommy, Manifest Destiny, and everyone who reads this.

Please call, Ash, hope your sister isnt still mad.

Hey John, how was your Thanksgiving?! I hope you just had a blast celebrating genocide and destruction. Oh, and I hope you were able to choke down more than your average of 4 bites per meal. If not, I hope you had one bite of everything you liked – and you didn’t barf it up.

Speaking of genocide, how about them Indians? Yeah I hear they really sucked it up this year. Talk about genocide on the field. But we’re not here to talk about baseball, we’re here to talk about the greatest people ever to walk this planet (at the same time as Dinosaurs if you ask certain people). Native Americans.

Let’s jump in my DeLorean and take a little trip. **turns knobs, pokes numbers, presses cook button** Ok, we’ve got our bagel bites, now let’s go back in time and observe the awesomeness that is the Native American.

Ingenuity

No gunpowder, no electricity and no clothes that fully covered their bottoms, but still they thrived. Just imagine yourself stuck in the wilderness with some flint and a stick. You would die for sure, but Native Americans took those little tools and ran with them. Next thing you know, they have sweet bows and arrows, teepees, sweat lodges and peyote. Enter white man – all is ruined. If it weren’t for the white man, we would have our carbon emissions reduced by about a million percent, women could still walk around topless, and we definitely wouldn’t have STDs. Just imagine that world – John’s doctor bills would be almost non-existent.

Drugs

They were cool with them. In fact, a boy had to trip pretty hardcore to become a man. Then he came back, told everyone what he saw and they decided his name based on that. That’s why there are so many interesting Native American names out there. I’m looking at you, Boy-Who-Laughs-At-Anything. Plus, we can thank Native Americans for the bong and tie-dye.

They keep their friends close and their enemies scared shitless

All of those cowboys and Indians movies will prove that without a doubt the cowboys were terrified of Indians. Why? Because one lone Indian atop a cliff in a gorge could take out 40 cowboys with a bow and arrow. He could even call his friends from miles around without even using his cell phone. What did those lame cowboys have? Guns. Guns can’t do much for you if you’re white and drunk. That’s how John lost his baby toe, just ask him.

The Case Against Cowboys

Tony Romo

Barf.

They sound uneducated

No offense to anyone from the South, but real cowboys talk like they received a second grade education. “That them there mountain is a big un I reckon.” Native Americans have such complex languages they were commissioned by the Marines in World War 2. Yeah, I saw Windtalkers…and don’t even get me started on casting Nicholas Case and Christian Slater in that one – Hollywood is racist.

No Manners

Cowboys waltzed into the Native Americans land and were like “ummm…I’m totally lost can you help me?” Of course, Native Americans are very hospitable so they helped the white man out a little bit. They taught them how to plant corn, let them date their daughters, showed them how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and what do they get in return? Syphilis, alcoholism and an unpleasant walk to a new land.

Side note: joke’s on the white man because they happened to relocate many tribes to oil rich land. Now instead of the trail of tears, many tribes refer to it as the unpleasant trail we walked on and at the end found out we were filthy rich.

So, we have here two groups of people and it’s quite obvious who is superior. You may be saying, “but Lisa, the Native Americans were nearly wiped out by the white man.” This may be true, but let’s see who got the last laugh. Native Americans run casinos, go clamming and fishing without a license, get money each year just for being awesome, get scholarships for being a minority, and they get to make jokes about Native Americans being alcoholics without appearing to be insensitive. Just admit it, you wish you were Native American. And just admit it, John, you wish you were Andy Samberg.

Marriage vs. The Single Life

Hello Balloon Boys and Hoax Girls,

What’s up Lisa?? Are you gearing up for Sonics Season?? For those who don't have the internet, Lisa recently got a tattoo of a feather on her right rib to honor her American Indian Heritage. I got to hand it to her she had no Reservations- she dove headdress first - yelled Geronimo and got inked. However I do hope the pain felt like a trail of tears...too late??

(For those scoring at home- that’s 7500 pts for 4 Native American Puns in one thought)

Not to be outdone I wanted to honor my Italian Heritage so across my back I got a tattoo of Mario eating a Meetball Footlong from Subway while wearing Boots (Cause Italy is shaped like Boot- read a book Lisa)

Marriage vs Single Life

Little Background- Lisa is married and is Pro Single I am Single and Pro Marriage. As some one who has been single for good portion of his adult life I can say honestly, without hope or agenda, that it’s a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Wait- my worst enemy is Lisa- stupid logic puzzles. Marriage is awesome.

The Case for Marriage

Rule #56 Don't Quote Wedding Crashers

Who am I kidding? Weddings are awesome. I personally plan on having several. It’s the only time in your life that all of your best friends and family will get together, drink, dance, give you bs advice, and make unnecessarily long toasts. It’s worth getting married just for the wedding- who cares if you're right for each other. You could be married for 11 years waiting in line at Costco next to an older, meaner, version of the woman you married- but if you close your eyes and remember how awesome the wedding was- it almost makes it all worth it. Almost.

LheartVE

It’s "Love is patient love is kind" not "Complete autonomy and a decently furnished condo with 2 black labs is patient and kind". Love is like the thing right? Its what inspires pop songs and domestic disputes. People go their whole life just wanting to be love- that’s it right? I'm seriously asking- I have no idea- I am not a doctor. But if given the choice between love and being alone- people would always choose love right? It’s like choosing between Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown.

Taxes.

I don’t plan on paying taxes but I hear you get some sweet tax breaks when your married.

The Case Against Single Life

Dying Alone.

When you single- you die alone. That sounds terrible. Your funeral has like 7 people and 2 of them are middle-aged men you never met in person but chatted with on a Dallas Mavericks Web Forum. The Horror. You need someone to go out with- It gives your whole life validation You want somebody to be miserable and wear black for a year after your death You want someone you can whisper- "if you remarry I will haunt you forever" to right before you take your last breath. Its only natural.

Trust Me.

Lisa- you can't get more single than me. It’s terrible. Here’s the difference between Marriage and Single Life

Married Life

You come home to a house with a loving husband and you guys have dinner together. You might do cool husband/wife dinners like "Taco Night" or might even join a supper club with other newlyweds. When you do the dishes you say cool things like "you wash I dry?" then you laugh and laugh about sharing health benefits. Then you guys walk your dog together in the park. Then you go to your Queen Size bed you read "Eat Pray Love" while Matt reads "Freakanomics" You tell each other "I love you" then go to sleep in each other's arms.

Single Life

For Dinner tonight it took me 20 minutes to decide which Campbells Chunky Soup I should eat- ( I went with Chicken Fajita) I then ate it by myself on the couch while watching 2 DVR-ed episodes of Cash Cab. Then I went to grocery store in sweatpants and Birkenstocks and hung out in the vitamin aisle for like a half an hour- just looking. I didn't even buy anything. I just looked. After I left the grocery store I thought "Dang- I forgot to get AA batteries" which happens every time I leave the grocery store. Then I went home- texted obscure SNL quotes to my other single friends and went to bed alone

But I do get to play Xbox anytime I want so maybe its not all bad.

Marriage kills Single Life. I hope Matt dutch ovens your bed tonight Lisa.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. HORSES HATE CARRIAGES. Now, Sabine is single and I think he has placed marriage on a pedestal. While my marriage is pretty much perfect, there are many that are not. The divorce rate is 50%...that’s higher than Bush’s approval rating which doesn’t say a whole lot, but still. For many people in America, marriage blows. Here’s why…

Movie Nights

What do you want to watch? Comedy. What do you want to watch? Action. DAMMIT. If you’re single you never have this problem. You flip on your tv, browse the free movies On Demand and pick one. If it sucks, you turn it off and there isn’t some annoying person next to you saying “oh, let’s give it a chance, it has Eva Mendes in it.” You might think that this isn’t a serious problem, but let me tell you why it is. You end up wasting $4.34 at Blockbuster on Grindhouse when you could have seen The Proposal (which I hear is awesome). And you’ll never get those two hours back. Never.

Closet Space

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? While your husband may only have 3 pairs of shoes, that’s 3 too many for me. I am a strong, independent woman, and my clothes that support my severe addiction to capitalism need their space dammit! I can tell you, from personal experience, the secret to a successful marriage (if such a thing exists) is separate closets. Take that Dr. Phil.

Taxes

F that, I know nothing about taxes. My husband is an accountant.

Snowball Effect

Marriage. House. Dog. Dog poop duty. All of these things are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, I’m a soldier and I handle all of them with poise and grace. Any weaker person, let’s say John, would crumble under the pressure of a mortgage. Have you ever heard of the sub prime mortgage crisis? Yeah, that was caused by the Johns of this world. Do you think John could handle a dog? No way…dogs handle John. Literally, once I saw a Cocker Spaniel grab John’s ass.

Fatness

You’ll get fatter. Trust me.

Single Life Excitement

I remember my single life. I ate my favorite cereal every night. I lived the American Dream (struggling to pay rent and make ends meet). I enjoyed not shaving my legs for weeks at a time. I would stretch out in my cold, empty bed allllllllll by myself.

All of my role models are still single. I just wish I had the courage to be more like Oprah or George Clooney, or maybe even Rosie O’Donnell. Stay single people…trust me. If you’re not careful you’ll have a really cute house, dog and a husband raking in the dough. Run…run…