Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye West vs Common Sense

Hey Lisa, I was just taking a boat ride down the Chicago River listening to "The Way You Look Tonight" and I got to thinking. Lets make a pact. When we turn 50 and if we both are still not married; lets have one last battle in Cyborg Suits- Loser gets fed to a Robot T-Rex. Because it will be 2034 and we'll definitely have robot dinosaurs. Deal? Awesome.

So I guess all is NOT quiet on the Kanye Western Front. If you haven't heard some rapper named The Kayne West did something at something called the Video Music Awards to one time Hanson brother, Taylor Swift. In the case of West v. Common Sense this jury rules whole heartily in favor Kanye. Call me Gold Bond because I'm about to get topical.

First of all, this isn't a debate about Kanye bum rushing Taylor Swift during her speech. Of course that singular instance was wrong. This is about the bigger picture: Kayne vs Common Sense. And I think if you take a closer look you'll see there is a crystal meth-od to his madness.

The Case for Kayne West

So you think there is structure in this world? You say ridiculous things like "everything happens for a reason" or "I'm not really like a religious person but I'm very spiritual." When your friend Jesse calls while you are listening to Rick Springfield you freak out and attribute it to some higher power. What do you think this is? The LOST Island?? Nothing happens for a reason- the world is a cold sphere of randomness and chaos and Kayne West personifies this truth.

The world is unpredictable and chaotic; just look at Hurricanes, Earthquakes, or success of Two and a Half Men. We need to be on our toes at all times and Kanye is like that helpful reminder. He's that little voice that says "Y'all watch out. Things can get weird and uncomfortable at a moments notice."

Here's a hypothetical situation off the top of my head. Let's say a teenage girl, who maintains a pristine and classy image in a society that rewards promiscuity and innuendo, goes to an award show. Now this girl finally wins an award she's always dreamed of winning. She delivers a very sincere and grateful speech. Midway through her speech she must be thinking "Wow everything happens for a reason- dreams DO come true." But ladies and gentlemen- dreams don't come true- people just don't go to John Stamos' birthday party. So Kanye is off stage thinking "Its my duty to remind the world that a moments notice a crazy man can ruin this girl's night". He uses his ninja training to bypass the security guard (who is just a drunk C.T. from the Real World) he grabs the mic and drops some knowledge on the world.

Here's a clip of Kanye restoring the balance during an innocent Katrina benefit with local funny man Mike Meyers.

Actually here's a time line of West keeping the world on its toes. It looks like a crazy person's to do list.

The Case Against Common Sense.

This is 2009. This is America. There's no such thing as Common Sense. Common Sense is just something that gets in America's way of being awesome. "Common Sense" told us that there probably wasn't WMD's in Iraq- stupid Common Sense. In 2000, "Common Sense" told us that the historically democratic Jewish residents of Palm Beach County Florida probably meant to vote for Gore/Lieberman. But "Common Sense" forgot that it was dealing with America. Its in our DNA to go against Common Sense. Neil Armstrong didn't listen to Common Sense in 1969. Team USA Hockey didn't listen to Common Sense in 1980. Kayne West didn't listen to Common Sense in 2009.

I am told that Common Sense is also a book. Well riddle me this LaVar Burtons. What sold more copies: Common Sense by Thomas Paine or Twiilight: New Moon? Is there a Common Sense Movie coming out starring Tom Hanks with weird sort of long hair?? I didn't think so. Must not be that good of a book. And you can take my word for it.

In Kanyeclusion

Crucify Kanye if you will. But aren't you just crucifying your own fears about a chaotic and random world?? Plus if you crucify him- he'll probably like it- that dude's got a Jesus thing. Kayne has and will always be a quasi successful rapper who likes to do crazy things that will get people to talk about it for 36 hours. In fact- when this blog goes it up it'll probably already be "sooooo September 13". Thank you very much Internet!

Lisa how could you be so Heartless? Oh. How could you be so heartless?

2034. You and Me. Cyborg Suits. The Republic of New Texas. Robot Dinosaurs. Be There.

Common Sense. Hoo Hah. What is it good for? John and Kanye can’t tell ya. We all know why John doesn’t have common sense. It’s because he got his gall bladder (the common sense hormone producer) taken out in college. The good news is there are supplements available. The bad news is, John’s “job” is a ruse and he is not employed; hence, no medical insurance. Kanye, on the other hand, has no excuse. Even if he has had his gall bladder removed, he could certainly afford to purchase the common sense hormonal supplements. I mean, if he’s attracting gold diggers, as his hit song claimeth, then he’s doing fine. Here are some ways in which Kanye showed us that his common sense, like Justin’s old me, is dead and gone. Dead and gone. Dead and gone.


Taylor Swift is 17. If I’m not mistaken (and I have made this mistake before) she is a minor, which makes her untouchable in many ways. Physically, don’t touch her. Not only does she have a huge Tongan bodyguard, but you will literally go to jail. Emotionally, don’t be an asshole to her. Think about how mentally stable you were at 17. I was ready to strangle anyone who told me I gained weight, and if some dude told me that Beyonce had a better video than me, you better bet I would decapitate him.

**Correction: She's 19, but this whole paragraph won't make sense if I change it. Deal with it.


VMAs? Really? If you have something important to say, save it for a hard hitting news show. For example, if Kanye really wanted to get his message out, he should have gone on the View or the fourth hour of the Today Show. You’re never going to be taken seriously making bold political statements such as “Beyonce had the best video of all time” at the VMAs.

Too Bold.

Common sense would tell you to leave the “of all time” out of that statement. I’m sorry Kanye you must have missed Hasselhoff’s “Hooked on a Feeling” or Olivia Newton John’s “Physical”


He was wearing sunglasses inside. Common sense would tell a normal human like you or I that this is stupid. I don’t trust inside sunglass wearers.

Other times Kanye’s common sense clearly failed him:

  • 2007 VMAs: Kanye resolves to never come to the show again after producers chose Britney Spears to open. She “hasn’t had a hit in years” claimed West. Don’t you dare mess with Britney…she’ll shave your head. Oh, and mighty strong resolve you have there Kanye, you came back next year.
  • Hurricane Katrina Telethon: “Red cross is doing as much as they can. We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way. And now they've given them permission to go down and shoot us. George Bush doesn't care about black people.” All I have to say, is poor Mike Myers who had to stand next to him as he went on his tirade. If I were Mike Myers, I would have told him to
  • Those sunglasses with the lines through them. Ugly.
I know why John thinks Kanye is in the right. John does have a pair of those ugly sunglasses, and his baby momma car and crib is bigger than his. So, they do have a lot in common. Your browser may not support display of this image.