Sunday, October 18, 2009

Marriage vs. The Single Life

Hello Balloon Boys and Hoax Girls,

What’s up Lisa?? Are you gearing up for Sonics Season?? For those who don't have the internet, Lisa recently got a tattoo of a feather on her right rib to honor her American Indian Heritage. I got to hand it to her she had no Reservations- she dove headdress first - yelled Geronimo and got inked. However I do hope the pain felt like a trail of tears...too late??

(For those scoring at home- that’s 7500 pts for 4 Native American Puns in one thought)

Not to be outdone I wanted to honor my Italian Heritage so across my back I got a tattoo of Mario eating a Meetball Footlong from Subway while wearing Boots (Cause Italy is shaped like Boot- read a book Lisa)

Marriage vs Single Life

Little Background- Lisa is married and is Pro Single I am Single and Pro Marriage. As some one who has been single for good portion of his adult life I can say honestly, without hope or agenda, that it’s a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Wait- my worst enemy is Lisa- stupid logic puzzles. Marriage is awesome.

The Case for Marriage

Rule #56 Don't Quote Wedding Crashers

Who am I kidding? Weddings are awesome. I personally plan on having several. It’s the only time in your life that all of your best friends and family will get together, drink, dance, give you bs advice, and make unnecessarily long toasts. It’s worth getting married just for the wedding- who cares if you're right for each other. You could be married for 11 years waiting in line at Costco next to an older, meaner, version of the woman you married- but if you close your eyes and remember how awesome the wedding was- it almost makes it all worth it. Almost.


It’s "Love is patient love is kind" not "Complete autonomy and a decently furnished condo with 2 black labs is patient and kind". Love is like the thing right? Its what inspires pop songs and domestic disputes. People go their whole life just wanting to be love- that’s it right? I'm seriously asking- I have no idea- I am not a doctor. But if given the choice between love and being alone- people would always choose love right? It’s like choosing between Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown.


I don’t plan on paying taxes but I hear you get some sweet tax breaks when your married.

The Case Against Single Life

Dying Alone.

When you single- you die alone. That sounds terrible. Your funeral has like 7 people and 2 of them are middle-aged men you never met in person but chatted with on a Dallas Mavericks Web Forum. The Horror. You need someone to go out with- It gives your whole life validation You want somebody to be miserable and wear black for a year after your death You want someone you can whisper- "if you remarry I will haunt you forever" to right before you take your last breath. Its only natural.

Trust Me.

Lisa- you can't get more single than me. It’s terrible. Here’s the difference between Marriage and Single Life

Married Life

You come home to a house with a loving husband and you guys have dinner together. You might do cool husband/wife dinners like "Taco Night" or might even join a supper club with other newlyweds. When you do the dishes you say cool things like "you wash I dry?" then you laugh and laugh about sharing health benefits. Then you guys walk your dog together in the park. Then you go to your Queen Size bed you read "Eat Pray Love" while Matt reads "Freakanomics" You tell each other "I love you" then go to sleep in each other's arms.

Single Life

For Dinner tonight it took me 20 minutes to decide which Campbells Chunky Soup I should eat- ( I went with Chicken Fajita) I then ate it by myself on the couch while watching 2 DVR-ed episodes of Cash Cab. Then I went to grocery store in sweatpants and Birkenstocks and hung out in the vitamin aisle for like a half an hour- just looking. I didn't even buy anything. I just looked. After I left the grocery store I thought "Dang- I forgot to get AA batteries" which happens every time I leave the grocery store. Then I went home- texted obscure SNL quotes to my other single friends and went to bed alone

But I do get to play Xbox anytime I want so maybe its not all bad.

Marriage kills Single Life. I hope Matt dutch ovens your bed tonight Lisa.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. HORSES HATE CARRIAGES. Now, Sabine is single and I think he has placed marriage on a pedestal. While my marriage is pretty much perfect, there are many that are not. The divorce rate is 50%...that’s higher than Bush’s approval rating which doesn’t say a whole lot, but still. For many people in America, marriage blows. Here’s why…

Movie Nights

What do you want to watch? Comedy. What do you want to watch? Action. DAMMIT. If you’re single you never have this problem. You flip on your tv, browse the free movies On Demand and pick one. If it sucks, you turn it off and there isn’t some annoying person next to you saying “oh, let’s give it a chance, it has Eva Mendes in it.” You might think that this isn’t a serious problem, but let me tell you why it is. You end up wasting $4.34 at Blockbuster on Grindhouse when you could have seen The Proposal (which I hear is awesome). And you’ll never get those two hours back. Never.

Closet Space

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? While your husband may only have 3 pairs of shoes, that’s 3 too many for me. I am a strong, independent woman, and my clothes that support my severe addiction to capitalism need their space dammit! I can tell you, from personal experience, the secret to a successful marriage (if such a thing exists) is separate closets. Take that Dr. Phil.


F that, I know nothing about taxes. My husband is an accountant.

Snowball Effect

Marriage. House. Dog. Dog poop duty. All of these things are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, I’m a soldier and I handle all of them with poise and grace. Any weaker person, let’s say John, would crumble under the pressure of a mortgage. Have you ever heard of the sub prime mortgage crisis? Yeah, that was caused by the Johns of this world. Do you think John could handle a dog? No way…dogs handle John. Literally, once I saw a Cocker Spaniel grab John’s ass.


You’ll get fatter. Trust me.

Single Life Excitement

I remember my single life. I ate my favorite cereal every night. I lived the American Dream (struggling to pay rent and make ends meet). I enjoyed not shaving my legs for weeks at a time. I would stretch out in my cold, empty bed allllllllll by myself.

All of my role models are still single. I just wish I had the courage to be more like Oprah or George Clooney, or maybe even Rosie O’Donnell. Stay single people…trust me. If you’re not careful you’ll have a really cute house, dog and a husband raking in the dough. Run…run…

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Batman vs. Superman

First of all I want to take full responsibility for the gap between posts. Lisa was on top of the ball and I was very busy these past two weeks. But you know what they say- those seeing eye dogs aren't going to train themselves. Lisa how has your online poker addiction going? How about you go "all in" and check into rehab finally?

Batman vs Superman?? Cakewalk. I've never done an actual cakewalk but it must be like the easiest thing you can do. So the answer is Batman. Holy slice of Funfeti Batman!

Helpful Hint. When reading this debate I suggest reading aloud using a deep raspy ridiculous voice. If you start to sound like a chain smoking muppet- then you've nailed the Batman voice!

The Case for Batman

Alter Ego

Here's a hot fresh questie. Let's say Robin Williams popped into your breakfast nook one day and said "Hey- if you had the choice to either be a nerdy journalist or a millionaire playboy who dates a new model every night"- what would you choose? 1. You probably ask Robin Williams how he got in your breakfast nook. 2 You would probably ask him to refund your money for Bicentennial Man, Jakob the Liar, and Patch Adams. 3. You'd say Millionaire Playboy for sure! 4. Seriously Mr. Williams get out of nook or I'll make you a real member of the dead poets society.

Bruce Wayne is so much cooler than Clark Kent. I feel like its a waste of our time to argue for something so universally accepted. So instead of arguing I am going to play some Free Cell.


That game is dumb.

Ladies Ladies Ladies

Look if anyone knows anything about me they know I hate glass ceilings. They're impractical and hard to keep clean. I think women and men should be equal in the work place. But Lois Lane is obnoxious y'all. She is completely career centered and prone to getting captured or falling off the Daily Planet. She doesn't treat Clark very well in fact many times she belittles his small town upbringing. And while she might be "news room hot" that doesn't mean shes actually hot. I am looking at you Nancy Grace.

Bruce always gets hot models, dancers, or girl next door yet tough as nails Public Attorney's. Plus throw Poison Ivy and Catwoman in the mix Batman becomes like the Wilt Chamberlain of superheros.


If you want to become an Icon you are only as good as your nemesis. Grant had Robert E. Lee. Magic had Larry bird. Brown had his Board of Education. Batman had the Joker. Batman had Twoface. Batman had the Riddler.

Who does a Superman have? Daddy Warbucks? A rich bald guy? thats all he has to battle? I mean Kojak is scary but come on.

The Batman villains are disturbed and powerful- like a fifteen year old girl asking out a boy at a Hot Topic. Superman villains look like they should be selling you life insurance during Jeopardy commercials. Bad villains- no conflict- stupid superhero. Holy deductive reasoning, Batman!

The Case against Superman

In the name of the Father, the Yellow Sun, and the Holy Spirit

Let me tell you story. Its about a father who sends his only son to Earth. This son has gifts that he uses to selflessly help mankind. Whenever this son feels conflicted, he looks to the sky to speak to his father for guidance. The Son dies and resurrects. Sound familiar? Thats the story of Superman- yup Right Wing Christian Propaganda. While Batman was saving his hometown from corruption - Superman was brainwashing the youth of American with explicit Bible messages. Lois Lane - her first and last name both start with the same letter- same with Mary Magdalene. The villain's name was Lex LUTHOR- Martin LUTHER rebelled against the Church in 1492. So that's what they meant by "Truth Justice and the American Way"

Where's your Man of Steel now??

Night approaches. And now is the time Lisa sends her goons (Matt) onto me- why does she hunt me? Because I'm the hero Lisa vs John deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So she'll hunt me. Because I can take it. Because I'm not a hero. I'm a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

(Brushes teeth with Bat brush. Spit in Bat sink. Put in Bat retainer. Charge Bat cell phone. Read Bat Newsweek. Take Bat Tylenol PM. Turn off Bat lamp. Dream Bat Dreams)

Hey, John! Remember that time we were at Bay to Breakers and I saved your life by calling that guy who had your phone? Or that other time when I saved your life by reminding you to mind the gap in London? Or that other time when I removed your gall bladder? While I 100% regret helping you, it did make me feel pretty good. There’s a word for people like me…and that word is superhero. There’s a word for people like you, but I don’t want to offend our readership. I’ll just tell you it rhymes with bouche tag. So, as a super hero myself, I think I need to let people know who is truly superior in the battle of Batman vs. Superman. It’s all in his name…he’s super and he’s a man. Much better than a man who is a bat…bats carry disease and depressing connotations.


Who needs one? Batman…that’s who. Superman is a lone wolf, a solitary soldier, a modern day Clint Eastwood, if you will. The badass one - not the talented director one. He can take care of himself and there is no need for a homoerotic friendship. Although, fun fact, at one point there was a “Krypto the Superdog.” He filled in a few gaps for Superman such as providing an acute sense of smell and a yearning for bacon. His kryptonite? Kitties.


Superman isn’t into kitschy things like dressing like animals. You know that guy who tattooed his whole face and got whiskers implanted to look like a tiger? Yeah, would you call him a superhero? No, you would call him crazy. I would also call someone who wanted to be a bat crazy. It’s simple math, people. Oh...that's right - John failed Math 6. All those "Pythagorean QUEERum" jokes did you no good, Sabine. Back to the lecture at hand, Superman’s very basic tights, speedo and cape tell me he’s into saving people…not going to some anime convention and trying to show up all the other weirdos.

He’s a one-woman man

I have 19 words for you: Lois Lane is super hot and that whole assertive reporter gig she has goin on makes her even hotter. Clark Kent yearns for her, and Superman acts on this by sweeping her off her feet cooking her a nice steak dinner, asking about her day and actually LISTENING and then he uses his superpowers to do good in the boudoir. He sounds like a dreamboat to me…much better than some bat that sires illegitimate children. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Batman. Did you know he has a son with Talia al Ghul AND Catwoman? His son’s name is Damien, and if you were to ask Damien two words to describe his father he would certainly say he’s conceited and a cheap bastard who never coughs up his child support. As for his daughter, whom Catwoman raised single handedly (power to ya sista), she is still dealing with a lot of daddy issues. She thinks he’ll come around, but we all know that won’t happen. She gets in relationships with older men thinking that will replace the void, and I think we all know how that story goes…annanicole..cough.

Kryptonite is his only weakness

Do you know where to find any kryptonite? Me neither. His only weakness (well, maybe not only, he has been know to sit down with a gallon of ice cream and get through at least half - goodness!) is something that doesn’t even really exist on Earth. If you want to find Batman’s weakness, all you need to do is distract him with a pretty lady then shoot him in the face or something. If you tried to shoot Superman in the face, he’d just run away from it since he is faster than a speeding bullet. That’s not just a colloquialism, it’s fact.

The Case Against Batman

I'm going to lay it all out there - I hate Christian Bale. Maybe it's just the tool-ish image I can't get out of my head from American Psycho, but I see Christian Bale as pastel polo wearing, Ed Hardy loving, slicked back hair kind of skeezeball. A real life tokenfratboy. Didn't he beat his mom and wife or something? And he talks funny - like there is some peanut butter stuck in his upper lip. I think I've said enough. I'm too annoyed by the image of him. I need serenity...ooh Bob Ross is on - perfect.

I hope next time you’re in trouble, John, I’m there to push you in that gap, or let your phone remain lost, or even let your gall bladder seep harmful chemicals that supposedly cause your nausea after eating a bagel bite. With the distance between us, my job has been made much harder. Just know that any friend you make in Chicago might be hired by me to make your life suck (worse). I am everywhere you look…smokebomb.