Sunday, August 30, 2009

Raise your hand if you love a crisp, refreshing beverage on a hot day. Wow, everyone, okay. Raise your hand if you hate John. Wow, everyone? I knew I hated him, but this comes as quite the surprise to me. Nah, not really. Okay, you can put your hands down now. As for the crisp, refreshing drink, you should certainly pick Coke. Coca-cola has the variety of a Mexican tienda and the reliability of Tim Gunn.

Options Galore

Did you know that Coca-Cola has a product called Bimbo? If that isn’t enough to convince you, perhaps some of my old friends will. Squirt, Dr. Pepper, Powerade, Fanta, and who needs Mountain Dew when you have Ice Dew. Lest I forget the drink of the 90s – Tab. And all of those have a diet options for those of you trying to look good in harem pants. Oh wait…no one looks good in those. Talk about a crappy trend.


It’s not a myth (like John’s night on the town with John Stamos) it’s true!! Coca-Cola used to contain 9 milligrams of cocaine in each bottle. Then, in 1903, a bunch of party poopers decided that cocaine in your drink is “illegal.” That killed the party almost as fast as a girl talking about her study abroad experience.


Coca-Cola has been around since 1886. What else has been around that long? Petroleum jelly, contact lenses, the electric chair and Larry King were all brought to life in 1886. Of those, I would prefer a coke. Their slogan in 1886? Drink Coca-Cola. Very succinct if you ask me.

The Case Against Pepsi

Health Hazard

Pepsi products are just about as good for you as taking Tyra Banks’ advice on health and fitness. My former friend John, as you may know, loves Mountain Dew. Well, I’m really sorry to inform you of this, John, but you are slowly shrinking your beloved wedding tackle. Yellow 5 shrinks your junk…at least that’s what I heard on Tyra.

Heavy reliance on pop stars

Coke relies on its product. Pepsi knows that its product sucks, so they reel in people like Britney Spears and Diddy to try to help them out. And might I add that the new logo looks like a Pokemon ball. So now, not only do they rely on pop stars, they are also grooming young children to become consumers of their product. Isn’t grooming a form of sexual misconduct? Shame on you Pepsi…

I implore you, to open happiness on the Coke side of life just for the thrill of it. And, John, I know the name of an excellent prosthetic doctor when you’re done doing the Dew.

Who can the make you vomit with her smile? Who can take an awesome day and suddenly make you want to drown in the Nile? Well its Lisa and you should know it. With each burp and every stupid joke you show it. Lisa really smells but we all know that. You can scare a town why don't you know that. I hope you get hit by a car. I hope you get hit by a car (Lisa throws her hat in the air then immdediately gets rocked by a PT Cruiser.)

There are two types of people in the world. Thats it. No matter what gender, religion, or late night host you identify with basically every person on Earth can be identified as a Coke person or a Pepsi person. Coke- Red. Pepsi- Blue. Its not a coinsedence that they choose those colors for Republicans and Democrats. Coke people like starting wars and golfing. Pepsi people are open new ideas and have Brita filters.

The Case for Pepsi

Star Power

If we have learned anything from the Democratic National Conventions is that what celebrities think is extremely important.And Celebrities love Pepsi. From Michael Jackson to Brittney Spears. Kids like videos- so here you go kids

What would Jesus Dew?

In every Generation a son or daughter surpasses the prominence of their parent. Brett Hull roser higher than his father Bobby. Same goes for Freddie Prinze Jr, and somewhat remarkably Miley Cyrus. Mountain Dew has soared past its parent, Pepsi and its greatness has not been fully realized.

Mountain Dew is quite simply the world's most perfect drink. No one know's the exact recipe to this heavenly elixir although recent studies have shown that it contains Sabertooth Tiger Adrenaline and tears from the Aztec god Quezacotl. John Hinckly Jr. would have been successful in his assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan had Reagan not just drank an entire 2 liter of Mountain Dew just before the shooting. In 1989 an unknown Chinese man was able to stop tanks from entering Tienanmen Square after he killed a 6pack of Dew

I know there are some are some negative rumors about the effect of Mountain Dew on a person's sperm count. This is just a horrible urban myth; like semicolons or the NIT basketball tournament. Mountain Dew was introduced in 1940 and since then the World Population has ballooned to 6 billion. Myth Busted! (Immediately after typing this the Discovery Channel faxed me a lawsuit for trademark infringement)

The Case Against Coke

Say Hello to my Little Friend....cocaine. The Friend is cocaine; because it used to be in Coke.

Coca-Cola gets its name from the the two ingredients that gave it its flavor. Cocaine and Koala Nut extract. I remember when I was really into Coca-Cola. The year was 1987 and it was my first year on Wall Street. The only thing better than greed that year was the 3am Coca-Cola parties. One party in particular- it was Christmas night and I found myself in the basement of the club "Excalibur" with Joe Piscopo. He said something to me that struck a wrong chord. Long story long Joe Piscopo was declared dead that snow capped Christmas Night and if it wasn't for Michael Dukakis knowing CPR, Piscopo would've stayed dead. The next morning I hopped into my Delorean and drove to Rehab. Sandra, my future wife, ended up being my nurse. I've been off Coca-Cola for 12 years now.

I hope you guys PepSEE the clear winner- Pepsi.

I wish I had more time to write a hilariously biting insult paragraph against Lisa but I have to go run a 5k to raise money to pay Ex Simpsons writers to think of insults against Lisa.

Take a shower, Lisa, you're married.

Love Always,


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Day Vs. Night

I don’t really know why John is arguing that night is better than day. John has been convicted of all of his major crimes at night. He flashed a group of nuns at night, dined and ditched at Taco Bell at night, and who can forget the time he was caught selling pirated Miley Cyrus CD’s at that truck stop…at night.  Criminal record aside, John would have 5 less illegitimate children if he would just stick to the day time hours.


Other reasons why day is better than night….



Envision your favorite place to go. Well, chances are if you’re like me you’re imagining yourself in a Target buying all sorts of useless crap. But guess what? Target and 98% of all fun places are only open during the day. Even if you prefer bars to Target (which I’m guessing most of our readership does) those are even open during the day! And if someone tries to tell you that 10:30 in the morning is too early for a Jack and Coke spit in their face and I doubt they’ll say that to you again.



Ask any doctor…sun is good for you. You might tell me people get skin cancer from the sun, but 4 out of 5 doctors at University of Phoenix will disagree with you. Skin cancer was created by the sunscreen industry to boost their sales. Those tactics, as well as putting a kid’s naked butt on their bottle, all seem a little shady to me.

So, now that we all agree that the sun is good for you, think of all the fun things you can do in the sun! Wear sunglasses, go to the beach, watch a solar eclipse, build a sun dial, and burn bugs with a magnifying glass. Hey moon, can you do those things? No? That’s embarrassing…


The Case Against Night



Don’t get me started on vampires or people that like vampires (yes I’m talking to you, Twi-Hards). It’s probably the stupidest craze since Pogs, which were actually kinda cool at the time, but looking back on it, I feel like a loser, nay, a Twi-Tard, for having them.



We all know John gets into trouble at night…but so do most of the people on Cops. Sure there are a fair amount of daytime domestic disturbances, I mean, he was only trying to SHOW her that the knife was sharp. But if you watch Cops, or The Women of Broward County (which is quite entertaining…especially the woman with the Poodle hair cut) you’ll see that most of that crap goes down at night.


I don’t expect John to change his ways. After years of therapy, a life of private Catholic education, and four brief years of my friendship, he is still a criminal when the sun goes down. You people have a chance…come towards the light, or John will find you and try to sell you the newest Jonas Brothers 3D.



I just want to take this time to recognize Matt, Lisa’s husband; for going above and beyond his original “Make a Wish” commitment. He was supposed to just take Lisa to Six Flags- but he went that extra mile and married her. You are a better man than pretty much every other guy.
I am writing this from the shadows, a dark place between purgatory and the River Styx that smells like scratch off tickets and despair. The night is my home, like warm Mountain Dew on a snowy MLK Day. You hear a black cat scurrying across a moonlit fence and you might wonder about bad luck. I see the same thing and I wonder why that black cat is running from his past. What did he do? Did he leave a wife-cat and some kittens? Did his wife-cat gain some weight due to a huge litter and he just can’t look at her the same way? Does he think about his HS sweetheart and think “What-if?” He probably doesn’t. He’s a cat. But that’s the thing about the Night- She’s a powerful tempest who can make you think crazy things about a cat.
As I look out my window into the milky white Ms Pac-Man shaped moon; I am reminded how badly Lisa smells. She smells like John Lovitz on the 6th night of Hanukkah; satisfied and indifferent. The Night is far an away superior to the Day. The Night is an elusive abyss of opportunity; like a sorority girl separated from her friends on Halloween. I must hasten my typing as I notice the wick on my candle is shrinking like Costanza in a pool.
The Case for Night
Fun with a Purpose
With the Night you grab on and enjoy the ride. There is an eerie fateful narrative with the Night that does not come in the Day. You can start off the Night with your buddies at a bar- find yourself at a club dancing with a divorced 39 year old - then an alley debating The Departed with a stranger with goatee- then eating a Gyro with some Albanian Soccer players and feel like there was a sense of purpose. When you look back at your Night it feels like for some strange reason it was all meant to be.
4th Meal.
Food always tastes better after 1am. Now I have never been on Death Row but I bet if they scooted executions back and had the last meals at like 2:30am- their last meal would taste even more unbelievable. They still probably wouldn’t be cool with the execution- but it can’t hurt.
I am told that if I just mention the book or the movie Twilight, our readership will quadruple. So here you go: Twiilight Twiilight, Robert Pattinson, Twiilight. I feel dirty- I need a cigarette. A candy cigarette.
Mo Peeps
Yes I know where babies come from and we have the Night to thank for that. At Night, Mommies and Daddies pray really really hard for a baby and if Santa is in a good mood- he gives them one. Duh.
The Case Against Day
Skin Cancer
When’s the last time you had to put on Moon Block? Last time I checked my dissertation you can’t get skin cancer from the Moon. All a moon can do is A) turn you into a Werewolf thus making you better at high school basketball. And B) hit your eye not unlike a big pizza pie.
U-G-L-Y Day Aint Got No Alibi
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder mad? That dude is always happy because he doesn’t have to see all the ugly things in this world. From run down buildings to that guy on the train in jean shorts- the Day reveals all of the World’s unsightly blemishes.
My candle has burned out so I just turned on the lights. I will now find solace in the shadows- I fall asleep to the sounds of the Night- the Midnight Orchestra between the Owl’s call and the loitering of the local Meth-head. It may sound dark but this is the life I lead and dammit, I want to live. I would much rather choose the unsavory events of the Night over the monotony of the prudish Day.
I’m out like Lisa after an Indigo Girls concert.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Babies vs Old People

Here’s a question for you John. Wait, pass the computer to your friend…I used a lot of big words in this post and you’ll probably need a lot of help. Is he listening? Tell him to stop blowing spit bubbles. How about now? Ok, good. John, do people write songs about old people? No. The most common word used in music is ‘baby’ and for a good reason. They’ve got back, Britney wants to get hit by them one more time, and Mariah wants them to always be hers.

Babies have an inane ability to digest food almost the instant it is eaten, look and act drunk in the morning and people don’t accuse it of having a serious problem that should probably be looked into, and they’re really good at making grown adults act like complete idiots. Here are some other reasons why babies rule and old people drool in a really un-cute way.

Dead baby jokes:

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop ice cream and two scoops dead baby.

What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a thousand dead babies? I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.

Even in death, babies are hilarious! I may have just lost some supporters, but dead baby jokes are just like Lost. If you’re not a fan it’s because you’re mentally inferior.

Hilarious commentary:

For those of you who don’t know, I teach babies. As long as you count 6-year-olds as babies, then yes, I teach babies. I’m working on my first novel; Kids Say the Most Literal and Usually Accurate Yet Funny Things and it’s really just a running commentary of what my first graders say. Here is an excerpt:

Me: Ok, Zorgas*, time for math.

Zorgas: I can’t do math, I have bwain damage. I’m twying to tell my mind to do math, but it won’t.

Me: Well, let’s try again.

Zorgas: I have to use the westwoom, my wiener is killing me. (Zorgas glances over at Magnum* who is singing “I Like to Move It Move It”)

Me: Can you wait?

Zorgas: No, my wiener is going to fall off. (vigorously rubs private area)

*Name has been changed to protect subject’s privacy


Any of you who don’t like babies are just jealous. You’re jealous that people see their fat little thighs and big round Buddha bellies and they say “ohhhhhhhhhhcute.” When people see your cottage cheese thighs and John Goodman bellies they give you a look like they just smelled the inside of a jock strap and they shield their children’s eyes. At some point that fatness lost its cuteness…time to stop being jealous of babies and hit the Gazelle.

The Case Against Old People


Respect for your elders? No way. Not until they start showing me some respect. How many times has some old woman, who can’t even see over her steering wheel, given you a wag of the finger and tsk tsk look because you chose to go around her as she was doing 5 in a 35 speed zone? No, people were not more respectful when you were younger…it was just too long ago to remember.


I know all of you have at least one old person in your family that uses words like colored, or oriental and I know you cringe every time you hear it. But, what are you gonna do? You can’t teach an old dog new and more politically correct vocabulary. That’s what I always say.

I guess I understand why John prefers old people to babies. Babies are an excellent judge of character. They will literally crap all over you if they get the slightest hint of malice while every nice young man that old people meet gets the instant reward of being “delightful.” I prefer someone with a more discerning taste.

Goodbye John, I hope that rash is clearing up. Just kidding, no I don’t.

Hey Lisa- How's Prison? I've been meaning to send you a carton of cigarettes but I've been too busy running 5K's to fight smoking. Watch out for shivs in the pasta salad.

Alright people- its the 90's- let's talk about it! Babies or Old People?

I'll spell it out like a large print Reader's Digest; the answer is Old People! Get on the trolley and cue Paul Simon's “Still Crazy After All these Years”; I will put Baby in a corner!

The Case for Old People


If the internet has taught us anything its that Old People are notoriously generous. When is the last time a Baby sent you a card for Columbus Day? When’s the last time you knew to celebrate Columbus Day? Old People bleed altruism – Shel Silverstein wrote The Giving Tree about his Grandparents- don’t check those facts.

Old People Have Done Cooler Things than You

You ever talk to an Old Person? Probably not. But you got to try it. Every Old Person has one crazy out-of-left field story in them. A story that trumps any story you will ever have and they usually mention it very casually. “Oh you’re watching the Cubs? I love baseball- I once caught Babe Ruth’s last home run. After the game he fought me for it so we dueled outside Yankee Stadium- it was the old Yankee Stadium at the time. Anyway long story short I got a silver bullet lodged in my shoulder and President Roosevelt pardoned me and invited me and your Grandma to Easter at the Whitehouse. When's dinner?” Sure beats that “One night I couldn't miss at Beer Pong” story you have.

The Bedpan of Courage

Raise your hand if you had a grandparent who served in a war. Now feel weird if you actually raised your hand because I can’t see you- it’s the internet. People just fought in Wars back in then. Like all the time. That was a generation of badasses. I think Tom Brokaw’s “The Badass Generation” explains it perfectly. Can you imagine if our generation had to fight the Nazi’s? What am I going fight the Nazi’s with- my Theatre Degree?? Back then they didn’t have Theatre Degrees or blogs; they had Cigarettes and sweet little combs that fit in your pocket; and they were Men dammit. They were Men.

Curse these Brittle Bones

Have you ever seen an Old Person, particularly an old lady say a curse word? Its elusive and majestic like watching a Griffin give birth. And I've seen that twice. College was crazy, Man.

The Case Against Babies

More Useless than a Rosary in Seattle

Sure Babies are cute; but so are Ziggy Cartoons. Babies take and take and take. They are a black hole of love. If I was Dr. Phil I'd say I don't give advice out for free then I'd say it sounds like a Codependent relationship. And if I know anything I know that words like “codependent” are big and you should probably stay away from them.

Sure They're Cute Now...

but Babies grow- and they keep growing. One day you're burping a perfectly cute 1 year old and before you know it you monitoring some brace- faced 13 year old's text messages. Next time you see baby think about the future.

They Cry like Babies; Airplanes and Babies.

Not since Magic Johnson and talkshows has there been a worse combination. As a successful oil tycoon nothing ruins a business flight more. Luckily I keep a flask of bourbon under my Bristol hat. Seriously can we outlaw all babies from planes. Babies and girls flying to Bachelorette Parties. I am sorry your friend is getting married before you and sure you're a great girl- just give it time.

Look I just don't think we should praise anything that isn't proven. If you have the choice between a new fangled solar powered space ship or a proven American Model T – what would you choose? Babies are a wild card- they could turn out great but most likely they'll disappoint you. With Old People, you know you are going to get honest to goodness opinions on whats too flashy as well an immense distrust of computers and the government. So Raise your Ensure glasses and next time you see an Old Person lie and tell them you voted for McCain.

Phew, I just want you to know how difficult it was to not make one Viagra Joke. Point: John.

Love Always,


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Brunettes vs Blondes

Snapple Fact #129
Blondes are stupid
Snapple Fact #130
John is stupider

I do have blonde friends, but the secret is out, I hate them all. Now, I’m not a lesbian or anything, but for the sake of argument I’m going to have to pretend to be one. Now that I’m a lesbian, I feel the need to tell you how turned on I am by brunette women. Like...really turned on.

If you want to be taken seriously as a woman you need brown hair. Look at all the high-powered females in this world: Oprah, Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin (for all you conservatives…anyone?). Anyway, however you feel about those women, they would not be where they are if they were blondes. To they would be dumber for sure, and probably stripping somewhere. Oh god…I just imagined Oprah naked. Ow.
Unfortunately for blondes, the contrast between sexy and sophisticated is only something a brunette can achieve. In a word, sexy librarian. Ok, two words.

Angelina Jolie
As a temporary lesbian, I feel strange urge to be attracted to Angelina Jolie. This babe has it all. Not only is she bi, she has adopted 13 children, she has turned 2 nations around from poverty stricken to bathing in gold and eating caviar, she has been to the moon, tamed that wild beast Brad Pitt, and beat Michael Phelps in the breast stroke. All of this because she has brown hair. She is the quintessential female.

The case against blondes

Blondes have more fun? More like blondes have more herpes. Pam Anderson and any playboy bunny can tell you that the color of their hair has a direct correlation to the number of STDs they have. In fact, most STDs were brought to our beautiful country by blondes from Europe. Did you know that AIDS came to the states when Joan Rivers sailed the ocean blue in 1492? Now you know.

Do you know how many “blondes” aren’t natural blondes? The exact statistic is 98%. Using a simple random sample, I checked if the curtains match the carpet…or something like that, and I can tell you with a standard deviation of .01 that only 2% of blondes were natural. And that doesn’t count their rack.

I will leave you with this.

What do John and a blonde have in common? They are both dumb! HEYO!

Brunettely yours,


What’s up, Lisa? Still ugly and racist? I figured.

I know this is might not be a popular move but was it popular for the Dallas Cowboys to win 3 Super Bowls in 4 years? Was it popular to write the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite and send it to John Heder? (Btw the title for the screenplay is “Napoleon Dead and Loving it!”) Life is not all about being popular just ask George W. Bush – that’s right 2000 election joke. Sometimes it takes a big man to stand up for truth; and I am that big man. Lisa is not either big or a man. She is small…and a lady…a BRUNETTE lady.

Blondes are far and away superior to Brunettes and I am sorry if that offends some homely graduate school students or teen mothers. I must preface this by saying I love brunettes- I am a brunette. Brunettes fill a needed role in society; they do jobs that Blondes wont touch with a ten foot straightner (I mean someone has to be a Marine Biologist) But mathematically speaking, all things equal- if you had a choice, 100 percent of the time you would choose to be Blonde.

The Case for Blondes

The Blonde Bombshell

Americans love our hair light and our polar bears endangered. There is nothing more American than the Blonde bombshell. Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, Pamela Anderson, Kendra, Michael Bolton. These are the pin-ups that I put up in my bunker when I was playing Call Of Duty. (Just had a flashback…..we lost a lot of good Twizzlers that day..the horror.). They are every man’s fantasy. If he tells you that he prefers Brunettes over Blondes he is lying. Same rule goes for when he says he can recognize the creative merit in Project Runway or that he likes your Mother. It’s in a man’s DNA to prefer Blondes- we can’t help it. You wouldn’t punish a fox for being sneaky or an elephant for remembering something. Just look at Marilyn Monroe- she was like a hot Forrest Gump. She had relations with JFK, Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, and Robert Kennedy. That’s ridiculous. If she was a Brunette she probably would’ve been Norma Jean, lonely operator for Southwestern Bell.

Also Charles Darwin, thought Blondes had an intrinsic evolutionary advantage


There few universal laws. E=MC2, Every actions receives and equal and opposite reaction, it’s ok to creep a stranger’s pictures on Facebook, and Blondes have more fun. It’s a fundamental truth. They wake up every day knowing they won’t get a speeding ticket and that they won’t have to pay for drinks. They don’t think about wars or poverty- they are too worried about foam parties and hilarious IPhone apps. For this argument I dyed my hair blonde for a week and my facebook friends tripled and instead of taking the train to work- I surfed. I had the most fun week of life and you can read it about it in my 4000 page memoir called “Blonde Like Me”

The Case Against Brunettes


Blonde Jokes are more common than a Brunette at a Barnes & Noble. Blonde jokes are hurtful propaganda used as a vicious vehicle for the Brunette Corporate Machine. Do you ever think about the hate you are putting in the atmosphere when you tell a Blonde joke? You wouldn’t say a racist joke would you? Blonde jokes are racist towards hair color. We’ve come too far to tell these jokes. When you tell a Blonde jokes you erase all the progress we’ve made since Blonde Crow.

Look I love Brunettes- everyone needs a plan B. Its just we are predisposed to prefer Blondes- you can’t argue with Darwin. In the Olympics we go for the Gold- we don’t go for an un-vibrant brownish hue. As a man, success means never being satisfied. We must keep going for the gold until we finally reach it- until we have a soulless but well paying job with the ultimate prize, a beautiful Blonde wife with whom you share no common interests. With Liberty and Justice for all.

Love Always,