Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hamburgers Vs. Hot Dogs

Hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs
What kinds of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Big kids, little kids, kids who climb on rocks
fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour Dot Dogs
The dogs kids love to bite!

You hear that Lisa? Even fat kids love hot dogs- so why can’t you get on board? Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Ogdenville to North Haverbrook. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog

- 1000 B.C. The first semblance of a Hot Dog was made in Ancient China. Called “Honorable meal for an elder to eat by the reeds of the river” it was rumored to be dragon meat on a rice patty sprinkled with Opium. Soon they got rid of the meat and patty and just kept the Opium- people were fine with it.

- 1894- Hot Dogs were introduced at the Chicago Worlds Fair by Eli Whitney as a means to combat consumption. Its medical side effects were later discredited but 9 out 10 ten doctors agreed it was delicious

-1908 President Taft makes the Hot Dog the “The official food of the President” (Although to be fair he gave pretty much every food that title..fat jokes!)

-1945 Normandy Beach- General Eisenhower feeds his troops Hot Dogs because of their convenience and nutrition. After their victory Eisenhower proclaims it “Hot Dog Day” which then changed to “Dog Day” then finally it was come to known as “D-Day”
-November 3rd 1948 The Chicago Tribune accidentally prints the headline “Dewey gives Truman a Hot Dog”

- 1964 Martin Luther King gives his inspiring “Hot Dog at the top of Mountain” speech in Alabama. The next day LBJ signs the Civil Rights Act.

- 1998- The Starr Report’s Clinton/Lewinsky Hot Dog excerpt provides a year of punch lines for SNL, Letterman, and Leno.

Lisa I know you can’t read or write but the History speaks for itself. Here is some more proof of Hot Dog’s greatness

Meals on Wheels: The Weiner Mobile. The coolest car on the road- when you see it- it makes your day. Plus it runs on dreams and dreams don’t emit any carbon dioxide.

Star Power. Kobayashi is the biggest star in the world. In 2004 he made more money than Tiger Woods and Jennifer Garner combined. According to this poll I just made up he is 40 percent more recognizable than Secretary of the Interior Kenneth Salazar.

Case Against Burgers

Oversaturation. You can get a burger anywhere and very rarely is it memorable. Usually you think “I should’ve gotten the chicken sandwich.”

P.H.A.T. Did you see Super Size Me? He dies at the end- wait that’s Grizzly Man- same movie.

Leads to a life of crime. The Hamburgler was on his way to be a successful CPA in Mcdonaldland but then he had a taste for burgers and sacrificed his morals and dreams of a lake house.

Lisa once again your ignorance and stupidity amaze me. And I use that word often. I cordially invite you to Chicago- I’ll buy you an authentic hot dog, take you all the way to the top of the Sears Tower and punch you in the neck.
Love Always,

I support a woman’s right to choose. And a man for that matter. Close your eyes. You’re at a summer BBQ. Tiki torches are burning, children are laughing, Michael Jackson is playing again, and some guy wearing a cheesy apron is behind the BBQ pointing to you with his spatula asking what you’re having: burger or dog. Here is where your right to choose comes in. Obviously, you’re not a terrorist so you choose burger. Here are some reasons why you choose correctly my friend.


You thought I was about to say condoms, huh? Well, no I’m talking about the infinite possibilities of wonderful things that you can put on hamburgers. You can take the burger so many directions…I mean look at Red Robin! A whole fine-dining establishment based on the burger! I’m sure John will try to argue the same for Frankfurter, but seriously…that place is sick. What can you put on a hot dog? Ketchup and mustard. You’ll never have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you put sauerkraut on and anything else just doesn’t belong.


Does anyone try to steal hot dogs because they’re so good? No.

The Case Against Hot Dogs

Questionable Content

Here I will quote my most trusted source…wikipedia. “A hot dog is a moist sausage of soft, even texture and flavor, often made from mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry.”

I have a HUGE problem with the word moist. Also, anything moist that’s going into my mouth will not contain mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry. What the hell is that anyway? When I think of mechanically recovered meat, I think of a robot doing something horrible to a pig.

Also, some hot dogs are known to contain MSG. Do you know what MSG is? Me neither, but I know this one Chinese place I go to says NO MSG like they’re really proud of it, so my guess is MSG is bad.

The name

Wiener. Why would you want to eat a wiener? Oh I totally understand why John likes them. BURN.

Friends, clearly the burger is the better choice. We all know why John likes hot dogs…yeah I just went there. I’ll leave you with that mental picture.

Oh also...unhappy birthday john. I hope you have a worse birthday than that guy who was hiking and got pinned under a rock so he had to cut his own arm off with a rusty pocketknife...on his birthday.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Today is a day that will live in infamy

- Doctor Robinson Ford on July 25th 1985 delivering Lisa

Today is a dark day- perhaps the worst day of year. If you have had a terrible today and can't figure it out its because its Lisa's Birthday. I know I have doused myself in Holy Water the whole day just to stay sane. So laugh it up all you arsonists and Lisa supporters. I hope you when you blow out your candles 12 scorpions sting you.

love always,


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Notorious B.I.G. vs 2Pac

Biggie Biggie Biggie can’t you see, sometimes John just irritates me. Now, if you know John and I, you know that we’re heavy in to gangsta rap. You may also know that I named my dog after one of the best songs of all time (Mo Money Mo Problems). Mo for short. Finally, you know that the feud between John and I rivals the biggest feud in rap of all time. Biggie vs. Tupac. I think I can settle this though…no one has heard my opinion on this yet, but once you do this feud will be put to rest like John after he’s had a drink and a cheeseburger.
Size is everything.
I’m a woman, and I know that giant men make the best lovers AS WELL as the best rappers. When a man is as large as Biggie, you know he’s passionate. He probably gets really passionate about home cookin, pie and greasy food. If he is an ardent food lover, you know he’s gonna be a good rapper.
He is, in fact, still alive.
Ok, do you think it’s just a coincidence that the album that came out 15 days after his death is called Life After Death? No. He’s released 3 albums since his death and they have sold like deep fried Twinkies at a state fair. Biggie is smart…real smart. He knows that great movers and shakers aren’t truly appreciated until after their death. Just like Shakespeare, Beethoven, Mr. Rogers and Billy Mays, Biggie’s art can now be truly appreciated now that he is “dead.” By “dead” I mean he got gastric bypass, bought an island in the Bahamas, and now he’s chillin in a lounge chair with a Pina Colada and size 32 board shorts.
Collaboration with the King
He collaborated with Michael Jackson. Anyone who says that doesn’t put him above Tupac has no respect for the dead. You don’t wanna disrespect dead MJ…believe me.
Accessories are everything
Biggie used a cane. He may have actually needed it after he broke his leg in a car crash, but either way he ROCKED it. That, a badass hat, a cigar, and about 200 extra pounds of body weight made him look cooler than Cory Feldman in a leather jacket.
The Case Against Tupac
First of all, he was a sex offender. No one likes sex offenders, unless it’s MJ, but again don’t disrespect him.
Also, Tupac was shot 5 times and he didn’t die. Then he WHINED about how he thought his record execs knew about it ahead of time and didn’t warn him. Ok, really Tupac. Quit being such a baby.
Also people claim that his killers were tied to the East/West Coast battle, but he died in Las Vegas. Someone hand those retards a map, cuz it’s really not on the East Coast. Idiots.
I’m glad we can all stop talking about this feud now. As for the feud between John and I, that will probably continue until Kirstie Alley actually keeps the weight off.
Love always,
Big Momma (Lisa)

I just want to start off saying that I am glad a girl from Seattle and a boy from Dallas who both went to a mid sized liberal arts university can finally put this debate to bed. You’re welcome hip hope community! If only we could’ve debated this two weeks ago Vibe might have not gone out of business.

Lisa chose Biggie no shock there. She got engaged in NYC and she loves the buffet at New York New York in Vegas- she went with her heart. Unfortunately, Lisa must have forgotten that she was born with the idiot gene. 2Pac destroys B.I.G. This debate is going to be cloudy with a 90 percent chance of fat jokes.

The Case for Tupac.

Longevity. Mr. Pac released 5 albums when he was alive and then died and decided to release 5 more albums plus 10 compilations after his death. Mathematically that seems impossible but Pac did the impossible. How many albums did lazy Buddy Holly release after his death?

2Pac Obama? During the 2008 Presidential Elections we heard the word “Change” a lot (remember 2008?? People had jobs, Billy Mayes was still yelling at us, Gas cost 4 dollars…sigh those were the days huh?) Is it a coincidence that one of 2Pac’s biggest hits is called “Changes”? This journalist and amateur crossbowman says no.

And still I see no changes can't a brother get a little peace

It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East

Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs

so the police can bother me

I am pretty sure Obama started his speech at the Democratic National convention with this line. But America was ready for a Change- in the same song Dr. Pac says “We ain't ready, to see a black President, uhh”. Looks like we were ready. Last time I checked my President is black and a little Hawaiian, and some Kansas Methodist – it’s not that race even matters I mean –its what’s on the inside people see- oh no I am talking about race- this is a losing battle. Ummmm look over there is that a funny billboard?? (phew good save, John)

What doesn’t kill him makes him stronger. Tupac was shot 5 times in 1994 and even accused BIG for setting up the hit. Tupac survived thanks to a steady diet of Multi-platinum records and In and Out. Fun fact! Tupac is the only artist ever to have an album at number one on the Billboard 200 while serving a prison sentence. I know what you are thinking but Nelson Mandela’s “My Baby is my Baby” only got up to number 3 on the South African charts.

Death Row Records. Death Row’s line up was staggering collection of talent; 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Christian Laettner- that right there could be a Mt Rushmore of Hip Hop. All Biggie had was Puff Daddy and Poppin’ Fresh (Fat jokes!)

The Case Against Biggie.

Osama BIG Laden? Ok I know that’s reference is in poor taste but here is a chilling line from Biggie’s “Juicy”- “Time to get paid- blow up like the World Trade.” B.I.G. died in 1997- I am not saying he knew anything- but did he know something?

Childhood Obesity. All I know it wasn’t an issue until the mid 90s right around the time Biggie was becoming famous. Maybe a role model who glorified obesity should be held accountable? Maybe if ate some Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki subs he would have been the “The Agreeable T.H.I.N.? But he was the inspiration for those Nutty Professor Movies so I should give credit where credits due.

I want to leave you with poem Pac wrote for his good friend Jada Pickett Smith.

u r the omega of my heart

the foundation of my conception of love

when i think of what a black woman should be

its u that i first think of

u will never fully understand

how deeply my heart feels 4 u

i worry that we'll grow apart

and i'll end up losing u

u r my heart in human form

a friend i could never replace

This is the exact opposite of how I feel for that Hosebeast Lisa. Lisa is NOT the Omega of my heart and when I think of what a black woman should be – it is NOT Lisa.

Lisa- I ain't mad at cha. Wait a minute- yes I am

Rat tat tat tat tat that’s the way it is.

Love Always,

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beach vs Mountains

It’s Summer Vacation Time. Lisa will probably spend it tending to her home and husband and going to bed by 8pm. I’ll probably spend it like the swinging bachelor I am; nothing but Kick Boxing and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But where should you spend your summer vacation?

Mountains or Beach? It’s and age old question but with simple and noble answer. Only adulterers and lepers (Lisa) would choose Mountains – Beach is the clear answer. It’s so easy it probably doesn’t even need an explanation but that would make for a boring read. So let’s dress this infant.

The Case for Beach

The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People. Studies have shown that our bodies are wonderlands; and the best place to see these wonderlands is at the Beach. Adam and Eve were naked 24/7/348 and going to the beach represents a return to Paradise when God actually liked us. At the beach you can be free and confident not like the Puritanical Mountains that shame people into covering their beautiful bodies. If you had a choice where would you live; Eden or Salem Massachusetts?

Equality. Everyone can enjoy a beach. From baby Madeline to Grandpa to crazy Uncle Jerry who likes to remind you how Global Warming is a conspiracy thought up by homosexuals and Obama. It’s an equal opportunity vacation. The only people who climb mountains are middle aged white people who are in bad marriages. And there is nothing lamer than white people. EVERYONE knows that.

Spring Break. Only the best Spring Breaks happen at Beaches. MTV has never done “Spring Break Kilimanjaro” or “Sherpas Gone Wild!” Also, you’re sick- that Sherpa is someone’s daughter.

The Ocean. The Earth is 75% water. Human Beings are 75% water. Therefore using the transitive property of addition- the Ocean is in our bodies. Can you say that about Mountains? Probably not.

Treasure. Beaches are chock full of Pirates Treasure its like hanging out in a money machine. You are at the beach and you run to chase a Frisbee and trip over something sticking out of the ground- do a little digging and BOOM its Spanish Gold Coins and you got your student loans paid for. The beach is like a stimulus package, and have you heard about the economy nowadays? Lisa hasn’t.

Case Against Mountains.

Mountains are work. It’s like when some gives you a book for your Birthday. “Great, thanks for the chore.” You risk your life climbing this cold unforgiving rock and then you reach the top and say “Wow look at this view – I could’ve seen the same view for less money and less life risking in a plane or helicopter. Whelp time to go back down.” It’s a completely unnecessary experience.

Yetis. Last time I checked there were no Yetis at the beach. If a Yeti were to wonder to a beach I don’t think he would eat our bones but start a Limbo contest.

Mt Everest is overrated. It isn’t even the highest point on Earth. Watch out some knowledge is about to be dropped on your face. Mount Chimborazo is a mountain in Ecuador, and technically that’s the mountain that would be closes to the Sun. So congratulations- you climbed Everest but there is some Ecuadorian who is higher than you.

I know some granola eating Eagle Scouts might disagree with me but I’ll never see them because I don’t shop at REI. The rest of the fun loving golden members of society will be having a Luau and catching monster waves.

Lisa I know Magic Mountain is a fun ride but it’s not an actual mountain. IDIOT!

Love always


The hills are alive, and John is retarded. If there is one thing I have learned in our past argument, it's that John is always wrong. That must suck for him. Now, in the battle of where to vacation, I feel strongly that the mountains are your best bet. John will probably tell you otherwise, but hear me out.


Have you ever met one? Well, if you were to hang out in the mountains all day every day chances are you will. Last time I met a Yeti, we drank Bud Light, played Uno then watched a couple Godfather movies. He’s a really cool guy, and I think you would have a great time with him.

Snow Bunnies

Girls love being them and guys love being with them. When else can you braid you hair in pigtails, put a beanie on, layer your clothes so much so that when you eat a lot you can’t really tell? Exactly, only in the mountains would that be sexy.

Woodland Creatures

If you were a Disney Princess, they would flock to you, land on your arms and join you in a song about nature. Well, these things aren’t necessarily reserved only for Disney Princesses. Vacation in the mountains and you too may find this out.

The Case Against Beaches

  • Crabs. Any kind sucks.
  • Sand in unpleasant cracks.
  • People that shouldn’t be wearing bathing suits, are now running and walking in them. Gross.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cats vs Dogs

Cats Vs. Dogs

The Argument for Dogs

Snoop Dogg knows what’s up. In the battle of cats versus dogs it is clear that the dog would come out on top (literally, it would mount the cat). Here are some plainly obvious reasons why dogs are better than cats. I don’t expect John to understand, but I have much more faith in you people. I mean, John does have a light blue track suit…his taste is clearly beyond repair.


Ever try to get a cat to “come.” Don’t answer that if you’re a pervert. Point is, no, it won’t. A cat won’t do a thing you say. Pretend someone stabbed you in the face. Your cat would just sit there and be like “sigh…I need a nap,” whereas a dog would jump to your rescue, dial 911, and tell them that you’re bleeding profusely from your carotid artery. Good dog.


You tell a cat to fetch, it tells you to fuck off. Dogs can provide excellent entertainment in the form of walks, playing fetch, playing tug of war, being cute and chasing their tail while cats….yeah nothing entertaining about cats. Unless you like watching them lick their junk. If that’s the case (John) you’re a sick fuck.

Do you call your friend cat? No, you call your friend dawg.

Let me tell you, I’m sitting next to my dog right now and while she has never met John, she just told me he sounds like a tool. What’s that Mo? You say dogs are a great judge of character? Yes, I agree with you. Case in point, K-9 units. They smell sheisty people and they attack. Cats smell their buttholes and lick them. You decide which is more integral to a just society.

The case against cats

I think between the butthole licking, the napping 23 hours a day, and the claw marks that people with multiple cats inevitably have, I’ve made my point. Cat people are always creepy. Would you ever consider the title “cat lady” to be a compliment? No. She is the woman with 37 cats, her house smells like ammonia, the windows are rarely open and when you finally get the nerve to go peek in her window you see 74 glowing eyes around a frizzy haired crazy woman holding a shotgun. That’s what living with cats does to you.

Have a spectacularly disappointing day, John.

Love always,


I get it – this is America. Choosing dogs over cats is the easy choice. But you know what would’ve also been easy? Not dumping tea into Boston Harbor or not inventing the atomic bomb. Sometimes the easy decision might not be the right decision. Haven’t you seen Million Dollar Baby? Neither have I.

The Argument for Cats

Cats are Brilliant. Now I am only an amateur scientist but anyone worth their weight in Fancy Feast knows that cats have the superior intellect. If a dog and a cat were forced to take the SAT’s the cat would probably do a 1410 while the dog would probably get too excited and go to the bathroom on the test. Which leads to my next point- great Segway GOB

Sanitation. Cats are clean. When they are dirty they just give themselves a tongue bath- when they need to go twosies they just use the litter box. No fuss no muss. Dogs are all fuss and boatloads of muss.

Nine Lives. Cats literally have 9 lives. It’s Science.

Fierce. Cats will mess you up- just ask Roy. (And no it’s not “too soon” because I didn’t say anything about MJ) Cats are born predators. When the final showdown between cats and dogs happen in 2035 what side do you want to be on?

Independence. America declared it in 1492 and cats have it in David Spades. You really don’t even have to feed it. You buy one and it’s basically got everything under control. Meanwhile you leave a dog alone for 4.7 seconds and your copy of Contra II gets eaten.

King of the Jungle. Lions are king. Dogs aren’t even dukes. Dogs are so far from Royalty they couldn’t even order a Royale with Cheese in France.

Cats Hate Mondays.

Case Against Dogs

Dog people. How many times have you gone to someone’s house or apartment and been blitzkrieged by a dog. And the idiot owner is like “Ohhh he likes you!” or “She hardly ever does this.” No, he does not like me and yes she does that all the time- it’s a dog. Learn to train your stupid illiterate dog.

Humping. When is the last time your leg was accosted without consent by a cat? Dogs are like those creepy Lebanese guys at dance clubs. You know who what I am talking about.

Dogs are barbaric co-dependent leeches who masquerade as “Man’s best friend” when their species would most likely be exinct without humans. Humans helping dogs is the single largest Welfare program in all of history. Scholars maintain if we took the money we spend on dogs each year- we could build the worlds largest roller coaster made out of elephant tusks. Think about it. Think think about it.

Hey Lisa I hope you become a famous female boxer and that I become your old take no guff trainer and then during the biggest fight of your career you fall back and hit your head leaving you paralyzed then when you are in the hopsital you beg me to pull the plug. But I wouldnt pull the plug. I would come every day and read you your favorite books but change the endings to be funny. And you'd be so mad but you couldnt do anything bc you'd be paralyzed. I hope that happens.

Yours Forever,


Friday, July 10, 2009

Full House vs Family Matters

Everywhere you look Everywhere – Lisa’s dumb- she’s really stupid and dumb

Hatfields vs McCoys. Turners vs Hooches. Family Feuds have been apart of society since the days of Dinosaur butlers. But Perhaps the most storied family feuds of our generation is the Tanners vs the Winslows.

Lisa must too be busy drinking Starbucks Coffee and Smelling Like Teen Stupid because the answer is without a doubt Full House

It’s all in a name. The series was named after the hand in the game of poker known as a full house, with Danny as the "player", his three daughters as the "three of a kind", and Uncle Jesse and Joey as the "pair". How could America not go All In on such a hilarious title?

  1. Theme Song. One of the most influential songs in the history of music. Musically its on par with Stairway, Lyrically it surpasses anything Dylan wrote. And yes I am talking about Dylan McKay. I am convinced that if they just played this song on loop 24/7 the Economy would be better. Divorce would end. And Sasquatches and Humans would join softball leagues together. Tear- it’s almost too beautiful.
  2. Breaking down Barriers. 3 men taking care of 3 girls? Eat your heart out Guttenberg. 3 men living together in San Francisco during the height of the AIDS epidemic raising a family?? Oh ABC went there. Some one should strap Carrie Prejean to a chair and force her to watch Seasons 1-3 then ask her what she thinks on Prop 8.
  3. Star Power. The Olsens are like the most powerful twins under 30 in the entire world. (Yes even more powerful than Tia and Tamera, Duross.) Sagat, Stamos, Loughlin, Courier, all went on to fame. Here’s a tip- If you are at work don’t Google what Family Matters star Jaimee Foxworth has been doing since the show unless you want to have a delightful chat with Human Resources.
  4. Stamos. Ok, I might have a very very very small bias towards John Stamos. But how can you refute such raw talent. It’s like Gregory Peck and Lawrence Olivier made a kid in a hair gel factory. He is without a doubt the most talented actor on Earth today. Russell Crowe and Tom Hanks should hand over their Oscars and beg for Stamos not to scissor kick them in the eyeballs.
  5. Catchphrases. Every Classic TV show’s got em. And FH had them in spades. “Have Mercy”, “How Rude”, “You got it Dude”, “Cut it out,” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” All brilliantly hilarious Lines. All Family Matters had was “Did I doooo that” what is this amateur hour?”

The case against Family Matters

It’s a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news about this terrible television show

For a show that has “Family” in the title they made Steve Urkel who was not even a Winslow- the Star. That’s Flagrant False Advertising. They should have named it “Crystal Pepsi Presents Steve Urkel’s Suck Ass Boringtown.”

I ask you to remember The Rippers, Kimmy Gibler, Ranger Joe, and bad Popeye impressions. The Tanners destroy the WInslows.



First of all, John has no loyalties. He has chosen to sing the praises of a San Francisco based show, while turning a blind eye to his own town, Chicago. I think this may come back to bite you, John. Chicago could be hurt by this and maybe a piano will fall on your head…all I’m saying is maybe you deserved it.

Now, Family Matters is a much more culturally relevant and far more entertaining show. I will tell you why.

Longevity – Family Matters ran for 11 years and was the second longest running sitcom with African American characters. Also, the highlight of my adolescence (TGIF) was punctuated by this brilliant show. While Full House may have barely held on to a TGIF spot it was never a reason that I thanked god it was Friday. Never.

Equality – Television is a reflection of our society. I ask you, what message does it send if we don’t accurately reflect the diversity of our community? Enter Family Matters. People who had never seen a black person now had a chance to see a strong, fit African American man (Carl) in an authority position (police officer). They had a chance to see an outspoken, witty, woman with fantastic hair (Harriette), and her intellectual daughter who made the neighbor boy swoon (Laura). Eddie kinda enforced negative stereotypes, so I’ll ignore him. Can you say one giant step for mankind? I’m not trying to say racism is dead, but it’s certainly fatally wounded thanks to Family Matters.

Heroism – There was one instance Full House and Family Matters met. Let me tell you about it. Stephanie was all freakin out because she needed glasses (get over it you baby). Urkel, the philanthropist that he is, decided to take this wounded little bird under his big black bony wing. Eventually he helped her get over her anxieties. Full House NEEDED Family Matters. Without Urkel, Stephanie probably would have killer herself. Add that to a light-hearted sitcom and you have a disaster on your hands my friend.

Urkel – Not only did Urkel sport suspenders and thick-rimmed glasses, he also sported self-confidence and poise. It took Laura some time, but eventually she came around and saw the light. Man, was she lucky! What are the odds that the nerd that loved her so dearly would create a machine that turned him into the hottest thing since Kristin peed on her jumpsuit at Bay to Breakers. That was hot.

Three guys in a house, brothers or not, are clearly hiding something. I hate to think what happens when the lights go out in that house. Michelle ends up anorexic, DJ experimented with drugs, and Stephanie ended up crazy religious. That’s what being raised by 3 men does to you. And hasn’t that been done already? 3 men and a baby? Lame.

I hope you stub your toe, John.

Darf ich die toilette gehen,

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Who's a better catch - Zach or Slater?

Who’s a better catch – Zach or Slater? Is that even a question? It seems like one of those SAT questions that is painfully obvious like “Who was the first president” and the choices are Justin Timberlake, Elizabeth Taylor, or George Washington. You know what I’m saying?

Let me get to the issue at hand. John seems to think that Zach would be a better catch. False. Here are some reasons why Slater is the dreamiest dreamboat on that awesome 90’s coming of age tv show – Saved by the Bell.

  • One word – Wrestler. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but wrestlers are very flexible. There is nothing sexier than a man who can touch his toes...naked.
  • Curly Mullet? I’m sorry, do you know anyone else who looks good in a curly mullet? I didn’t think so.
  • He will call you mama. Actually, I think this would creep me out at first, but I’d probably get used to it and maybe like it.
  • He can danth!! (That’s dance, for all of you non theater and dance majors). I know his real like persona can, so I’m going with it.
  • Those DIMPLES. Oy vey, I’m shmutzin up a storm just thinking about them.

The case against Zach:

This is almost too easy. Zach is a classic case of "too big for his britches." He thinks he's the shit, while he is, in fact, not "the shit." Frankly he displays the same intellect as a brain dead crustacean. I mean, he talks to a camera. Cameras can't hear you, nor can they talk back. I'm not a doctor, but I would say he's got some dissociative identity disorder going on.

I hope you paper cut yourself today, John.



First of all I want to state for the record that Lisa is dumber than a Canadian on Boxing Day. The answer is overwhelmingly Zack. If you know me you know that I am a devout heterosexual but I will use my Stansbury intelligence to prove that Zack Morris is the much better catch.

1. Charisma. Zack Morris makes it rain Charisma like NBA players make it rain child support checks. Here is but a small sample of the heights his charisma has carried him.
a. Lead singer of the band Zak Attack. Their fist album went Gold with Zack at the helm. Plus it wasn’t called Slater Attack
b. The voice of Bayside Radio- Wolfman Zack single handily resurrects Baysides radio station.
c. Manages the The Hot Sundaes
d. member of the Student Council.

2. Intelligence. Zack earned a 1502 on the SAT and was accepted into Yale. Slater was accepted to the University of Iowa. The University of Iowa isn’t even the Yale of Iowa.

3. Ladies. The Ladies love him just fine. Here is a list of his past love interests.
Kelly Kapowski, Stacy Carosi, Tori Scott, Penny Belding, Nicki Kapowski, Jessie Spano, Danielle Wendy, Kristy Barnes, Mindy Wallace, Laura Benton, Andrea Larson, Joanna, Lisa Turtle, J.B. Slater, Melissa, Jennifer Wade
Not bad for four years of high school

4. Trendsetter- He was the first person in recorded history to regularly use a cell phone and in fact should probably be credited for its popularity. Can you imagine life without a cell phone? Thank Zachary Morris

5. Time Cop. He could control Space and Time. Before there was Neo, there was Zack. Zack Morris possesses the unique ability to call “Timeout” thus freezing the time of the world around him while his personal time and space remain constant and in the present. Can Slater even tell time??? Boom Roasted.

The Case against Slater.

Slater is a maladjusted kid who has bounced around his whole life thus making him emotionally and mentally stunted. Since his mother was deceased he forces his girlfriend, Jessie, into a de-facto mother role by constantly referring to her as “Mama”. Creepy.

Slater is one a trick pony if you want the whole package Zack is far and away the obvious answer. Slater is the Joey Fatone to Zack’s Justin Timberlake. Slater is the Lisa to Zack’s John.

I hate you so much, Lisa.