90's vs. 00's

Happy New Year’s everyone!! Wow, I really had to force that one. Maybe I’m not very enthused because this New Year’s is kinda, well, blah. Yeah it’s the end of the decade, but maybe I’m not buying it because the excitement of Y2K is so fresh in my mind. Partying like it was 1999 was NOT just a song…it was a state of mind. The 90’s rocked – and not just in a flannel wearing kind of way. I’ll just toss out a few highlights – you can take them or you can throw them right back, but you’ll probably take them, lean back in your chair, stroke your chin, and say something to the effect of “those were the good ol’ days.” Well, you’re 25, stop saying that crap, you haven’t been alive long enough.

Television

TGIF

I’m going to put past debates behind me and say that all of the shows featured on TGIF were awesome. While it make have started in 1988, hear me out. The fame and fortune of TGIF (which actually means Thank Goodness it’s Funny – you can use that as your fun party fact now), was realized in the 90’s. Shows like Step by Step, Family Matters, Full House, and Boy Meets World all graced the line-up. Enter Debbie Downer 2000’s and you get crap like Two Guys and a Girl (about as hard to watch as two girls one cup), Norm and *poof *that’s the end of TGIF.

SNICK

SNICK formed me as an adult. It is because of SNICK that I won’t watch scary movies (I still have nightmares from Are You Afraid of the Dark), it is because of SNICK that I have a huge obsession with those hats with the giant flower on the front (thank you Clarissa), and it is because of SNICK that I have a recurring dream that I can turn into silvery liquid. Again, here comes 2000 and you’re stuck with The Amanda Show (she’s about as funny as that one time John emceed a funeral) and the un-funny version of All That (sans Kenan and Kel).

Music

Grunge

Ok, some would say that it really started in the 80’s, but it was in full swing by the early 90’s. Being from Seattle, I have to mention this game-changing genre of music. This was bigger than Kurt Cobaine, although even on his way out he still was trying to make it all about him. It was about flannel, not washing your hair, and saying really inappropriate things like “rape me,” and having it be ok because you’re just trying to be alternative. Rape me 90s…rape me.

Girl Power and Boy Bands

I don’t care what you say, somewhere deep down you either like N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, or Spice Girls – maybe all four – which is perfectly ok if you ask me. It made parting your hair down the middle cool for boys and being kinda dyke-ish as long as you’re skinny and wear tight track pants ok for girls. Those are contributions that will never be forgotten.

Movies

Titanic

I saw Titanic 8 times in the theater. Now, movies weren’t $15 like they are now, but that was still some serious money for a 7^th grader. That movie can make a grown lumberjack who hunts baby deer and then laughs when the mommy deer comes to find her baby decapitated cry. Also, the Titanic was so long, how long you say? It was so long it took up TWO VHS tapes!

Forrest Gump

This is definitely in my top 5 – and if you have a friend named Jenny, Dan or you like boxes of chocolates I guarantee you’ve benefited from this movie. Similarly if you have a friend named Forrest you’ve probably told him to run even when it didn’t make sense, but not many people know someone named Forrest. Unless you went to Santa Clara…then you’re thinking of Forrest right now and I’ll bet you thought of a story that made you giggle.

Al Gore Invents the Internet

Do you love facebook? Do you love reading our blog? Well let's pretend the 90's never happened - these things would be as impossible. Yeah, we might be smarter because we would actually retain information instead of just always saying - f it, I'll just google it, but think of the things we're capable of now thanks to the internet! For example, John wouldn't be able to browse Craigslist's erotic services for his Saturday night dates. Do do do do do do - do (Mario theme).

2000’s lowlights

9/11 – you’re not cringing because I went too far; you’re cringing because that is on record as the worst day ever. Thanks a lot 2000’s. Is that what I should call it? 2000’s? I still don’t actually know. Maybe it should be 00’s, or single digit years, or double O’s…you make me feel so stupid Oh-Oh’s!

Bush.

Katrina.

Darfur.

Afghanistan.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s breakup.

Iraq.

Wow – come to think of it, I’m really excited for this New Year’s. That means all that crap is behind us. This is where I could get really emotional about how Obama is the hope on the horizon, but I don’t want to sound too trendy. Well John, I hope this New Year’s you stick to your resolution of gaining the weight and KEEPING it on, and I hope you find the strength to quit Mountain Dew. Oh, and I hope you close your eyes to zero in on your midnight kiss and it actually turns out to be a porcupine. An ugly porcupine.

I hope everyone had a Wonderful Christmas.!

Lisa. I hope yours was adequate.

Yes I do hate Lisa more than Borat hates Gypsies. I know what you are thinking- a Borat reference now?? Well its in the end of the decade so this battle will be chock full of pop culture references from the 2000-2009, Your mom goes college!

Lisa we don’t along; its just a fact of nature. We are like Snooki and The Situation, Chinese Gymnasts and legitimate birth certificates, White Tigers and Roy, or Napster and Metallica. (you forgot about Napster huh? You know who didn’t? Skeet Ulrich.)

The 1990’s vs 2000’s

I know that the 2000’s on the surface may not seem like a clear cut winner. Two recessions, one 9/11, one Katrina, and two Wars looks terrible. But let me work it, I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Lets see this decade as half full as Octomom saw her uterus.

Lisa you are going to fold just like Enron…or Lehman Brothers….or Pets.com…or Circuit City….actually- maybe economy jokes are still too soon.

The Case for 2000’s

I AM Somebody!

This was the decade that the first person singular became important. Where regular ole people could tell the world about their thoughts and feelings and their day to day activity. This blog is a perfect example, we write dumb sentences for like the dozen or so people who read this but I know someone in Japan has clicked on this site and found out that I like Zach Morris more than Slater. That’s loco ese. In the 1990’s we didn’t have facebook. How would I know that pirates hate ninjas. Or that according to my little cousin “finals are sucky and parents took away phone FML”??

The 2000’s made us feel important. We supplied the internet with personal information regardless of demand. This ain't reality TV!

IPOD Therefore I am (I take that back)

Have you seen these things? You can fit like thousands of CDs onto them- take that 90s. You’re my boy, Blue!

Barack Obama

The 90s ended with the first black president and the 00’s are ending with first real black president. Take that 90’s: my president is blacker than yours. (Although its close)

TV

The Television in the 2000s destroys 1990s. Sopranos, The Wire, Curb, LOST, Mad Men, Always Sunny, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Office – tv was crazy. To give you a frame of reference this decade people wondered who Jacob was- in the 90s people wondered who Wilson from Home Improvement was. Is this real life?

The Case Against the 90’s

Nothing happened. Besides the Dream Team and Clinton Scandal it was a dull 10 years. We got Jordan winning championships and a bunch of cigar jokes- that’s it. At least with 00’s something happened. I need more cowbell!

Fashion

I mean I like flannel and Doc Martens as much as the next guy but I"ve been to Lilith fair- twice! The 90s need to hang up their JNCOS and No Fear Shirts and enter the future.

Unfortunately for you, Lisa, I have a bunch references from the 2000s that I still want to use, so I thought I would write one closing argument against you to close this decade. Lisa you are like the Justin Guarini to my Kelly Clarkson. You make Omarosa look like Susan Boyle. Your arguments are as effective as the Kyoto Protocol and as real as WMDs. You are a flip flopper who should keep your opinions in a lock box. I am like Ken Jennings and you are like Janet Jackson’s nipple: shamed and exposed. Sometimes when we talk it feels like waterboarding and I secretly hope you choke on your freedom fries.

Who am I kidding, Lisa? You make my heart soar like Falcon Heene.You make me want to jump onto a couch in forced joy. Why can’t I quit you?

Happy New Years Everybody- I hope you Blackout like the Eastern Seaboard on August 14, 2003.

I’m out like the XFL and Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Cowboys vs Indians

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody. Lisa I hope your Thanksgiving was terrible obviously. Being from Seattle, you probably woke up- went to a protest then came home to your tree house just in time to put the Tofurkey into the Ora Chamber. Sorry if that's not my cup of tea- I'm an American, Lisa. I like my turkey huge and my 2nd amendment intact.

*For the record I thought in honor of Thanksgiving we were going to debate Indians vs Pilgrims. I am very glad I that is not the case. Its hard to argue for intolerant white people. Glenn Beck I'm looking in your direction. (I don't actually know who Glenn Beck is, I just see on Facebook that people don't like him and wanted to seem cool)

Lisa is also part Native American so I have added inspiration to argue against them.

Enough Chit Chat- lets burn this wagon.

Cowboys vs Indians

The Case for Cowboys

West Gone Wild!

The Wild West was awesome. It was like Springbreak all year long. You ride horses, rob banks, drink out of jugs that say XXX, fight, then hang out with Saloon Girls. Sign me up for that fantasy camp. If they got bored they would just dual people. At high noon. You ever wonder why they dueled at NOON instead of at dawn? Because they were too hung over from the awesome night before to wake up before Noon. The piano player would even keep playing during a bar room brawl. You think that Cowboys had to sit in conference rooms at 3:45 on a Tuesday Afternoon to listen about important it is to be "proactive"?? No way man.

Legends.

Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Cody, Woody, these are but a few Cowboy Legends. Here are some lesser known Cowboys, "Tumbleweed Douglass", "Lazy Susan", "Jasper the Indifferent", "Shootin' Blanks Sam", "Loud Vegan Carl", and Teddy Roosevelt.

Duel.

No, I am not talking the riveting Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I'm talking about having a minor disagreement and risking your life over it. You said I cheated at cards? We'll lets shoot guns at each other- TOMORROW. Its the way men used to handle disputes. If you lived- you were right. It was the ultimate judge jury and executioner. Turns out Alexander Hamilton was wrong about whatever he thought was worth dying over.

Make it Work.

Cowboy Hat, Jeans, Boots. Its 2009 and millions of people still rock it. I don't see people rocking feathers out. I guess moccasins made it- but thats really it.

Tim Gunn would be proud. Plus his name is Gunn. Cowboys loved guns.

Superbowls.

5 Superbowl Victories. Not bad.

The Case Against Indians.

* I realize how problematic it is to even write the phrase "the case against Indians". I am just looking at it specifically with their relation to Cowboys. Native Americans are a important and rich people with a vibrant and interesting history- they should be celebrated. But in relation to Cowboys- they suck.

Real Estate

Indians historically have not been the best real estate agents. They gave up Manhattan for like some beads. Now I love beads just as much as the next camper in the 60's but you got to think they have some buyers remorse.

Crybabies

Lets say you are walking around eating delicious beef jerky and you can't find a trash can so you harmlessly throw it on the ground. You better check to see if any Indians are around or else you'll have to deal some EMOTION. Indians cry when they see trash its a fact. (Please note how obvious of a Trail of Tears joke would've been here. I refrained, see, Ashley?? I can act mature.....please call me back, I'll be cool- I promise)

At this point I realized how tough it was to make a case against a certain people without sounding like a flaming racist- no matter how funny it was. So I enlisted my good friend, Cowboy Lover, and Lisa Hater, Tommy DuRoss to help. Here are some nuggets he dropped

Tommy Thoughts

"If television has taught us anything, and i think we can all agree that it has, its that Indians are the bad guys"

"you think you are so cool because you crossed the Bering straights like a million years before the Europeans arrived. Yeah. Real Original."

"Pass the Peace Pipe?? No thank you, Indians. I've been to a Jason Mraz concert, thank you very much!

BOOM- There you have it. Lisa I hope your Scalp is blown. Special Thanks to Tommy, Manifest Destiny, and everyone who reads this.

Please call, Ash, hope your sister isnt still mad.

Hey John, how was your Thanksgiving?! I hope you just had a blast celebrating genocide and destruction. Oh, and I hope you were able to choke down more than your average of 4 bites per meal. If not, I hope you had one bite of everything you liked – and you didn’t barf it up.

Speaking of genocide, how about them Indians? Yeah I hear they really sucked it up this year. Talk about genocide on the field. But we’re not here to talk about baseball, we’re here to talk about the greatest people ever to walk this planet (at the same time as Dinosaurs if you ask certain people). Native Americans.

Let’s jump in my DeLorean and take a little trip. **turns knobs, pokes numbers, presses cook button** Ok, we’ve got our bagel bites, now let’s go back in time and observe the awesomeness that is the Native American.

Ingenuity

No gunpowder, no electricity and no clothes that fully covered their bottoms, but still they thrived. Just imagine yourself stuck in the wilderness with some flint and a stick. You would die for sure, but Native Americans took those little tools and ran with them. Next thing you know, they have sweet bows and arrows, teepees, sweat lodges and peyote. Enter white man – all is ruined. If it weren’t for the white man, we would have our carbon emissions reduced by about a million percent, women could still walk around topless, and we definitely wouldn’t have STDs. Just imagine that world – John’s doctor bills would be almost non-existent.

Drugs

They were cool with them. In fact, a boy had to trip pretty hardcore to become a man. Then he came back, told everyone what he saw and they decided his name based on that. That’s why there are so many interesting Native American names out there. I’m looking at you, Boy-Who-Laughs-At-Anything. Plus, we can thank Native Americans for the bong and tie-dye.

They keep their friends close and their enemies scared shitless

All of those cowboys and Indians movies will prove that without a doubt the cowboys were terrified of Indians. Why? Because one lone Indian atop a cliff in a gorge could take out 40 cowboys with a bow and arrow. He could even call his friends from miles around without even using his cell phone. What did those lame cowboys have? Guns. Guns can’t do much for you if you’re white and drunk. That’s how John lost his baby toe, just ask him.

The Case Against Cowboys

Tony Romo

Barf.

They sound uneducated

No offense to anyone from the South, but real cowboys talk like they received a second grade education. “That them there mountain is a big un I reckon.” Native Americans have such complex languages they were commissioned by the Marines in World War 2. Yeah, I saw Windtalkers…and don’t even get me started on casting Nicholas Case and Christian Slater in that one – Hollywood is racist.

No Manners

Cowboys waltzed into the Native Americans land and were like “ummm…I’m totally lost can you help me?” Of course, Native Americans are very hospitable so they helped the white man out a little bit. They taught them how to plant corn, let them date their daughters, showed them how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and what do they get in return? Syphilis, alcoholism and an unpleasant walk to a new land.

Side note: joke’s on the white man because they happened to relocate many tribes to oil rich land. Now instead of the trail of tears, many tribes refer to it as the unpleasant trail we walked on and at the end found out we were filthy rich.

So, we have here two groups of people and it’s quite obvious who is superior. You may be saying, “but Lisa, the Native Americans were nearly wiped out by the white man.” This may be true, but let’s see who got the last laugh. Native Americans run casinos, go clamming and fishing without a license, get money each year just for being awesome, get scholarships for being a minority, and they get to make jokes about Native Americans being alcoholics without appearing to be insensitive. Just admit it, you wish you were Native American. And just admit it, John, you wish you were Andy Samberg.

Marriage vs. The Single Life

Hello Balloon Boys and Hoax Girls,

What’s up Lisa?? Are you gearing up for Sonics Season?? For those who don't have the internet, Lisa recently got a tattoo of a feather on her right rib to honor her American Indian Heritage. I got to hand it to her she had no Reservations- she dove headdress first - yelled Geronimo and got inked. However I do hope the pain felt like a trail of tears...too late??

(For those scoring at home- that’s 7500 pts for 4 Native American Puns in one thought)

Not to be outdone I wanted to honor my Italian Heritage so across my back I got a tattoo of Mario eating a Meetball Footlong from Subway while wearing Boots (Cause Italy is shaped like Boot- read a book Lisa)

Marriage vs Single Life

Little Background- Lisa is married and is Pro Single I am Single and Pro Marriage. As some one who has been single for good portion of his adult life I can say honestly, without hope or agenda, that it’s a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Wait- my worst enemy is Lisa- stupid logic puzzles. Marriage is awesome.

The Case for Marriage

Rule #56 Don't Quote Wedding Crashers

Who am I kidding? Weddings are awesome. I personally plan on having several. It’s the only time in your life that all of your best friends and family will get together, drink, dance, give you bs advice, and make unnecessarily long toasts. It’s worth getting married just for the wedding- who cares if you're right for each other. You could be married for 11 years waiting in line at Costco next to an older, meaner, version of the woman you married- but if you close your eyes and remember how awesome the wedding was- it almost makes it all worth it. Almost.

LheartVE

It’s "Love is patient love is kind" not "Complete autonomy and a decently furnished condo with 2 black labs is patient and kind". Love is like the thing right? Its what inspires pop songs and domestic disputes. People go their whole life just wanting to be love- that’s it right? I'm seriously asking- I have no idea- I am not a doctor. But if given the choice between love and being alone- people would always choose love right? It’s like choosing between Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown.

Taxes.

I don’t plan on paying taxes but I hear you get some sweet tax breaks when your married.

The Case Against Single Life

Dying Alone.

When you single- you die alone. That sounds terrible. Your funeral has like 7 people and 2 of them are middle-aged men you never met in person but chatted with on a Dallas Mavericks Web Forum. The Horror. You need someone to go out with- It gives your whole life validation You want somebody to be miserable and wear black for a year after your death You want someone you can whisper- "if you remarry I will haunt you forever" to right before you take your last breath. Its only natural.

Trust Me.

Lisa- you can't get more single than me. It’s terrible. Here’s the difference between Marriage and Single Life

Married Life

You come home to a house with a loving husband and you guys have dinner together. You might do cool husband/wife dinners like "Taco Night" or might even join a supper club with other newlyweds. When you do the dishes you say cool things like "you wash I dry?" then you laugh and laugh about sharing health benefits. Then you guys walk your dog together in the park. Then you go to your Queen Size bed you read "Eat Pray Love" while Matt reads "Freakanomics" You tell each other "I love you" then go to sleep in each other's arms.

Single Life

For Dinner tonight it took me 20 minutes to decide which Campbells Chunky Soup I should eat- ( I went with Chicken Fajita) I then ate it by myself on the couch while watching 2 DVR-ed episodes of Cash Cab. Then I went to grocery store in sweatpants and Birkenstocks and hung out in the vitamin aisle for like a half an hour- just looking. I didn't even buy anything. I just looked. After I left the grocery store I thought "Dang- I forgot to get AA batteries" which happens every time I leave the grocery store. Then I went home- texted obscure SNL quotes to my other single friends and went to bed alone

But I do get to play Xbox anytime I want so maybe its not all bad.

Marriage kills Single Life. I hope Matt dutch ovens your bed tonight Lisa.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. HORSES HATE CARRIAGES. Now, Sabine is single and I think he has placed marriage on a pedestal. While my marriage is pretty much perfect, there are many that are not. The divorce rate is 50%...that’s higher than Bush’s approval rating which doesn’t say a whole lot, but still. For many people in America, marriage blows. Here’s why…

Movie Nights

What do you want to watch? Comedy. What do you want to watch? Action. DAMMIT. If you’re single you never have this problem. You flip on your tv, browse the free movies On Demand and pick one. If it sucks, you turn it off and there isn’t some annoying person next to you saying “oh, let’s give it a chance, it has Eva Mendes in it.” You might think that this isn’t a serious problem, but let me tell you why it is. You end up wasting $4.34 at Blockbuster on Grindhouse when you could have seen The Proposal (which I hear is awesome). And you’ll never get those two hours back. Never.

Closet Space

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? While your husband may only have 3 pairs of shoes, that’s 3 too many for me. I am a strong, independent woman, and my clothes that support my severe addiction to capitalism need their space dammit! I can tell you, from personal experience, the secret to a successful marriage (if such a thing exists) is separate closets. Take that Dr. Phil.

Taxes

F that, I know nothing about taxes. My husband is an accountant.

Snowball Effect

Marriage. House. Dog. Dog poop duty. All of these things are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, I’m a soldier and I handle all of them with poise and grace. Any weaker person, let’s say John, would crumble under the pressure of a mortgage. Have you ever heard of the sub prime mortgage crisis? Yeah, that was caused by the Johns of this world. Do you think John could handle a dog? No way…dogs handle John. Literally, once I saw a Cocker Spaniel grab John’s ass.

Fatness

You’ll get fatter. Trust me.

Single Life Excitement

I remember my single life. I ate my favorite cereal every night. I lived the American Dream (struggling to pay rent and make ends meet). I enjoyed not shaving my legs for weeks at a time. I would stretch out in my cold, empty bed allllllllll by myself.

All of my role models are still single. I just wish I had the courage to be more like Oprah or George Clooney, or maybe even Rosie O’Donnell. Stay single people…trust me. If you’re not careful you’ll have a really cute house, dog and a husband raking in the dough. Run…run…

Batman vs. Superman

First of all I want to take full responsibility for the gap between posts. Lisa was on top of the ball and I was very busy these past two weeks. But you know what they say- those seeing eye dogs aren't going to train themselves. Lisa how has your online poker addiction going? How about you go "all in" and check into rehab finally?

Batman vs Superman?? Cakewalk. I've never done an actual cakewalk but it must be like the easiest thing you can do. So the answer is Batman. Holy slice of Funfeti Batman!

Helpful Hint. When reading this debate I suggest reading aloud using a deep raspy ridiculous voice. If you start to sound like a chain smoking muppet- then you've nailed the Batman voice!

The Case for Batman

Alter Ego

Here's a hot fresh questie. Let's say Robin Williams popped into your breakfast nook one day and said "Hey- if you had the choice to either be a nerdy journalist or a millionaire playboy who dates a new model every night"- what would you choose? 1. You probably ask Robin Williams how he got in your breakfast nook. 2 You would probably ask him to refund your money for Bicentennial Man, Jakob the Liar, and Patch Adams. 3. You'd say Millionaire Playboy for sure! 4. Seriously Mr. Williams get out of nook or I'll make you a real member of the dead poets society.

Bruce Wayne is so much cooler than Clark Kent. I feel like its a waste of our time to argue for something so universally accepted. So instead of arguing I am going to play some Free Cell.

.........

That game is dumb.

Ladies Ladies Ladies

Look if anyone knows anything about me they know I hate glass ceilings. They're impractical and hard to keep clean. I think women and men should be equal in the work place. But Lois Lane is obnoxious y'all. She is completely career centered and prone to getting captured or falling off the Daily Planet. She doesn't treat Clark very well in fact many times she belittles his small town upbringing. And while she might be "news room hot" that doesn't mean shes actually hot. I am looking at you Nancy Grace.

Bruce always gets hot models, dancers, or girl next door yet tough as nails Public Attorney's. Plus throw Poison Ivy and Catwoman in the mix Batman becomes like the Wilt Chamberlain of superheros.

Villains

If you want to become an Icon you are only as good as your nemesis. Grant had Robert E. Lee. Magic had Larry bird. Brown had his Board of Education. Batman had the Joker. Batman had Twoface. Batman had the Riddler.

Who does a Superman have? Daddy Warbucks? A rich bald guy? thats all he has to battle? I mean Kojak is scary but come on.

The Batman villains are disturbed and powerful- like a fifteen year old girl asking out a boy at a Hot Topic. Superman villains look like they should be selling you life insurance during Jeopardy commercials. Bad villains- no conflict- stupid superhero. Holy deductive reasoning, Batman!

The Case against Superman

In the name of the Father, the Yellow Sun, and the Holy Spirit

Let me tell you story. Its about a father who sends his only son to Earth. This son has gifts that he uses to selflessly help mankind. Whenever this son feels conflicted, he looks to the sky to speak to his father for guidance. The Son dies and resurrects. Sound familiar? Thats the story of Superman- yup Right Wing Christian Propaganda. While Batman was saving his hometown from corruption - Superman was brainwashing the youth of American with explicit Bible messages. Lois Lane - her first and last name both start with the same letter- same with Mary Magdalene. The villain's name was Lex LUTHOR- Martin LUTHER rebelled against the Church in 1492. So that's what they meant by "Truth Justice and the American Way"

Where's your Man of Steel now??

Night approaches. And now is the time Lisa sends her goons (Matt) onto me- why does she hunt me? Because I'm the hero Lisa vs John deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So she'll hunt me. Because I can take it. Because I'm not a hero. I'm a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

(Brushes teeth with Bat brush. Spit in Bat sink. Put in Bat retainer. Charge Bat cell phone. Read Bat Newsweek. Take Bat Tylenol PM. Turn off Bat lamp. Dream Bat Dreams)

Hey, John! Remember that time we were at Bay to Breakers and I saved your life by calling that guy who had your phone? Or that other time when I saved your life by reminding you to mind the gap in London? Or that other time when I removed your gall bladder? While I 100% regret helping you, it did make me feel pretty good. There’s a word for people like me…and that word is superhero. There’s a word for people like you, but I don’t want to offend our readership. I’ll just tell you it rhymes with bouche tag. So, as a super hero myself, I think I need to let people know who is truly superior in the battle of Batman vs. Superman. It’s all in his name…he’s super and he’s a man. Much better than a man who is a bat…bats carry disease and depressing connotations.

Sidekicks

Who needs one? Batman…that’s who. Superman is a lone wolf, a solitary soldier, a modern day Clint Eastwood, if you will. The badass one - not the talented director one. He can take care of himself and there is no need for a homoerotic friendship. Although, fun fact, at one point there was a “Krypto the Superdog.” He filled in a few gaps for Superman such as providing an acute sense of smell and a yearning for bacon. His kryptonite? Kitties.

Attire

Superman isn’t into kitschy things like dressing like animals. You know that guy who tattooed his whole face and got whiskers implanted to look like a tiger? Yeah, would you call him a superhero? No, you would call him crazy. I would also call someone who wanted to be a bat crazy. It’s simple math, people. Oh...that's right - John failed Math 6. All those "Pythagorean QUEERum" jokes did you no good, Sabine. Back to the lecture at hand, Superman’s very basic tights, speedo and cape tell me he’s into saving people…not going to some anime convention and trying to show up all the other weirdos.

He’s a one-woman man

I have 19 words for you: Lois Lane is super hot and that whole assertive reporter gig she has goin on makes her even hotter. Clark Kent yearns for her, and Superman acts on this by sweeping her off her feet cooking her a nice steak dinner, asking about her day and actually LISTENING and then he uses his superpowers to do good in the boudoir. He sounds like a dreamboat to me…much better than some bat that sires illegitimate children. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Batman. Did you know he has a son with Talia al Ghul AND Catwoman? His son’s name is Damien, and if you were to ask Damien two words to describe his father he would certainly say he’s conceited and a cheap bastard who never coughs up his child support. As for his daughter, whom Catwoman raised single handedly (power to ya sista), she is still dealing with a lot of daddy issues. She thinks he’ll come around, but we all know that won’t happen. She gets in relationships with older men thinking that will replace the void, and I think we all know how that story goes…annanicole..cough.

Kryptonite is his only weakness

Do you know where to find any kryptonite? Me neither. His only weakness (well, maybe not only, he has been know to sit down with a gallon of ice cream and get through at least half - goodness!) is something that doesn’t even really exist on Earth. If you want to find Batman’s weakness, all you need to do is distract him with a pretty lady then shoot him in the face or something. If you tried to shoot Superman in the face, he’d just run away from it since he is faster than a speeding bullet. That’s not just a colloquialism, it’s fact.

The Case Against Batman

I'm going to lay it all out there - I hate Christian Bale. Maybe it's just the tool-ish image I can't get out of my head from American Psycho, but I see Christian Bale as pastel polo wearing, Ed Hardy loving, slicked back hair kind of skeezeball. A real life tokenfratboy. Didn't he beat his mom and wife or something? And he talks funny - like there is some peanut butter stuck in his upper lip. I think I've said enough. I'm too annoyed by the image of him. I need serenity...ooh Bob Ross is on - perfect.

I hope next time you’re in trouble, John, I’m there to push you in that gap, or let your phone remain lost, or even let your gall bladder seep harmful chemicals that supposedly cause your nausea after eating a bagel bite. With the distance between us, my job has been made much harder. Just know that any friend you make in Chicago might be hired by me to make your life suck (worse). I am everywhere you look…smokebomb.