Tuesday, March 9, 2010

3 Way Death Dance - Neil, Lance, and Louis Armstrong






“It takes two to make things go right. It takes two to make it out of sight.”

- Rob Base

Well, once again, Rob Base, you are wrong. Sometimes it takes three to make things go right and in turn; out of sight. Cue the music (Threes Company)

Welcome to Tommy Michael Duross. Little Background on Tom: Tommy, Lisa, and I all went to college together and Tommy and I went to HS together as well. Tommy and I also were the Student Body and Senior Class Presidents, respectively and might I add, we ran a corrupt administration. Lets just say we made Elliot Spitzer look like Rod Blagojevich So welcome to hell, Tommy. Thank you for being our Matt Dillion to our Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. (Lisa, you’re Neve Campbell- sucker) There’s no smooth way to start a manajablog, except to dive head first with a heart of well intentions and a belly of regret. Lets do this!

Triple Threat Match!

Lance Armstrong vs Neil Armstrong vs Louis Armstrong!

(B the W, This is will more epic than Kurt Angle vs The Rock vs The Undertaker at Vengeance 2002. Seems impossible huh?)

The Case For Neil Armstrong

Cheaper by the Dozen

Twelve. That’s how many people have ever walked on the moon. Twelve: the same number of toes Tommy has; the same number of kids Lisa and Matt will end up having. There have been 8 more Survivor winners than people who have walked on the room.

This really should be the only argument. Neil was the first human being to walk on a heavenly body. 70 years before, we were still using horse and buggies. So in 70 years we went from horses to walking on the moon which is 238,857 miles away. He was the perfect candidate to be the first. He fought in Korea, was a professor, and contrary to popular belief, was the first person to say "Boom Goes the Dynamite".

(I am embarrassed that I have even to address this but I fear that Lisa and Tommy will try to use the whole "The Moon Landing was a Conspiracy" argument. I would hope that you guys wouldn't rest the hopes of your posts in such a problematic and flawed argument. Moreover, I would like to think you guys would take the high road and and choose not to be divisive communists especially during this uncertain political and economic time. So I would like to thank you ahead of time for choosing to be classy patriots as opposed to pinko commie trash.)

The Cases Against Lance and Louis (Lance and Louis sounds like an early 80s sitcom starring Scott Baio and Peter Scolari )

The Case Against Lance

For the record, I usually make it a habit to make “cases against” cancer survivors- you better watch out, Uncle Jim! If you google "Lance Armstrong, Jerk" 45,900 results come up. That almost speaks for itself. (Incidentally, if you google "Lisa, Snuggie Obsession" you get 35,670 results and if you google "Tommy, Shamwow Guy, South Beach, DUI, Illegal Lemurs" you get 1.5 million results.)

Also, think of those guys you know with the bluetooth headset and call you things like "Chief" or ask "Hows it hanging" and quote Dane Cook jokes; almost every time those guys wear yellow "Livestrong" Bracelets.

Hasn't he also cheated on like every wife he's had? He just can't help soaking up the sun if it makes him happy.

The Case Against Louis

What do Jazz, the Dodge Viper, Brokeback Mountain, and the Green Party all have in common? Besides being on Lisa's facebook "about me". They are overrated. Jazz is tremendously overrated. Jazz is like a cool stepdad- you really want to like him but deep down you’re just not feeling it. I don't care how many XBox games you buy for me, "Jeff", you're not my real dad. For more thoughts on how dumb jazz is please check out this video from the secretary of defense, Paul F Tompkins.

Jazz is Dumb

Hey- what the heck is a Satchmo? Jazz is dumb.

Lisa and Tommy, you are trying to argue that a jazz man and a guy who rides a bike are better than the first man to walk on the Moon? Tommy- you've been a "Family Feud" champion- which is less cool than walking on the moon. Lisa, you've….well…. I'm sure you'll do something cool and it will be significantly less cool than walking on the moon.

One small step for a blog, one giant punch in the face to Lisa and Tommy.

Thanks for playing Tommy, and Lisa- run a comb through your hair

Hello Tommy, how is law school? And hello John, how is funny school? I’m sure both of you are learning tons. Sometimes I like to imagine the two of you in an alternate universe that is actually occurring at the same time as the reality that we are conscious of. It’s funny because John is actually morbidly obese – our breakup really messed with him. Tommy, life isn’t so different for you but you did take your life as a CF incredibly seriously and you’re now the Father Fred of Swig. Let me tell you, your penthouse is breathtaking. Enough of life in an alternate sideways universe, let’s talk about some people that share a last name. No, not Reggie and George Bush, I’m talking about Lance, Louis, and Neil Armstrong. I think the winner of this battle should be determined on the cycling course. Neil’s prosthetic hip automatically disqualifies him and Louis is dead, soooo I guess the winner is Lance! I’ll tell you why he’s a worthy winner in case you didn’t like the logic of the bike race.

He rides bikes – and bitches

SO he gets married, has some kids and dumps his wife for Sheryl Crow – upgrade! Then he dumps Sheryl Crow for Tory Burch – upgrade (if you want free shoes, which I do). Then he dumps Tory Burch for Kate Hudson – another upgrade! So then he comes back down to earth and starts dating some normal chick. Considering the whole one testicle thing, people thought he couldn’t have a kid but BOOM he put one in that normal girl.

Break records – make moneys

He won the Tour de France 7 times. The closest someone else got to that is winning it 5 times. I don’t know if you can do math as quickly as I can, but that’s 2 more times than that other guy. That’s the same number of times it took Tommy to pass 12th grade. So what if drugs may have been involved. Who doesn’t use drugs? In the alternate universe even Tommy the Father Fred of Swig uses drugs. Food is John’s drug unfortunately.

He beat cancer like Chris Brown beat…too soon.

Testicular cancer makes even the strongest men drop to their knees. Tom Green, Scott Hamilton, and the infamous subway shooter Bernhard Goetz – they all had cancer of the balls. Now, it’s great that they all overcame it, but Lance fought it, won, and now he still has the balls to compete in a sport in which he must carefully balance on that one testicle to ride his bike. I don’t know much about anatomy, but I imagine it would be easier to balance on two.

The Case Against the Other Armstrongs

Let’s take this one step at a time. Yes, John that is a quote from Step it Up, calm down. Neil; I’m still not convinced that you landed on the moon. There were shadows, the flag was waving and if you look really closely you can see the ceiling of the warehouse they staged the whole thing in. Plus, who was holding the camera when he stepped on the “moon?” That guy got no credit. Just like the guy who writes John’s jokes. Well he probably is quite ashamed of his work so let’s just let him remain anonymous.

Louis; I don’t like jazz and it really sounds like you need to clear your throat.

I really enjoyed our chat guys. We haven’t all been in the same place since Bay to Breakers last year. Remember that? Of course you don’t Tommy. I can’t wait until the next time we meet even if it is for Tommy’s court date – I believe you Tommy, that kid totally deserved it.


Greeting

I won’t lie. I don’t follow blogs. Much less this one. Seems like a waste of time.

When I was invited (read: begged) to lay some thoughts down on the blogosphere as a personal favor to my friends John and Lisa, I thought to myself, “Hey, how bad could it be? No one will read this anyway.” My initial plan was to begin by exchanging pleasantries with my counterparts, maybe compliment their looks, taste, etc. And then I read some of their older posts. It seems these two do not exchange pleasantries at all; in fact, they are downright rude to each other!

Well, as Bill Gates always said, if you can’t blog about anything nice, don’t blog about anything at all. You big idiot jerkfaces.

Heroes: Not Just a CNN Special

“And they say that a hero can save us.

Im not gonna stand here and wait.

I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles.

Watch as we all fly away.”

-Nickelback, on Spiderman

We live in a world of heroes. Trust me, I’m a law student. (Pay attention to the well-organized legal writing style.)

“But Tommy, what is a hero? What does it mean to be heroic? How did you ever get into law school?” Well, General Public, I’m glad you asked. I myself have been called a hero on a number of occasions….OK, not me, but a guy I know….OK, I have seen a lot of the show “Heroes” on ABC…OK, I haven’t, but I’ve been told it’s compelling. I pretty much know what I’m talking about here, so let me break it down for you.

There is no clear-cut definition of heroism; rather, we can only know heroism when we confront it directly. Off the top of my head, here are a few key examples of heroes we should all know: Tiger Woods; Chris Brown; John Mayer, Sarah Palin. These are people who have done extraordinary things for the benefit of mankind and have been on TV. Have you ever been on TV, John or Lisa? Didn’t think so.

Segue Making Fun of Opponents

But pointing those people out is like making fun of John for being a crappy drunk√† it’s too easy! The real challenge to answering Chad Kroeger’s impatient prayers is identifying the UNSUNG heroes; i.e. identifying Lisa as a crappy drunk.1 Ladies and gentlemen, please let me introduce one such unsung hero…

The Case for Louis Armstrong

Satchmo. Pops. The voice behind “What a Wonderful World,” Louis Armstrong was a musical revolutionary and cultural icon. He is perhaps best known for his raspy singing voice, a physical characteristic not unlike John’s radioactive birthmark, or Lisa’s midget-feet. These traits are one of a kind. Let’s take a deeper look…

A Deeper Look

Here is a deeper look.

He Could Give You the “Heebie Jeebies” In a Good Way

Louis Armstrong was a jazz prodigy whose talents were honed in the most unsavory of childhoods. Hey Por-Bine, you ever have someone call your mother a whore? Didn’t feel good, did it? (I know from first hand experience that you can’t even tell John “Yo’ Mama” without him responding with a roundhouse kick.) Well, Louis Armstrong’s mother actually was a prostitute.

One positive that came out of this was that Louis spent his childhood in and out of New Orleans’ red light district. In these environs, he was exposed to the cradle of Jazz music. Ever been to New Orleans? Let me give you an analogy. If America is Middle Earth, and the rings of power are all the different musical styles, then Jazz is definitely the One Ring, and New Orleans’ red light district is the fire of Mount Doom. (Admittedly, this analogy can only go so far, as I am not sure whether Louis Armstrong is Lord Sauron or Frodo Baggins, and you, General Public, will have likely quit reading this and checked facebook by now.) Regardless, New Orleans Jazz is a big deal. (And I think that Dr. Dre is Gandalf.)

Musically, the dude had some CHOPS. Cornet. Trumpet. Skat singing. (Google the song “Heebie Jeebies.”) Name a famous musician of the 20th century; Armstrong performed with them. Name a classic old-timey tune that appears in a modern-day romantic comedy; Armstrong sang it. In 1964, his record “Hello, Dolly!” reached #1 on the pop charts, making him the oldest person to ever do that; in so doing, he knocked the Beatles out of the #1 spot which they had occupied for 14 weeks. That would be like my Grandma Delores beating Shaun White in the snowboarding half-pipe. Unprecedented, and way gnarly.

“High Society”

Louis was a movie star, philanthropist, and ambassador. He got around, and hung out with some pretty cool people. (I’m talking like Cal Phi cool.) He appeared in over a dozen films, performing with the likes of Bing Crosby and Barbara Streisand. Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday were his roll dawgs. Frank Sinatra, Johnny Carson, and Merv Griffin were honorary pallbearers at his funeral. He met two popes. That’s a lot of popes.

Also, Armstrong was a major financial supporter of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and other civil rights activists. (Keep this in mind, and remember that Lance Armstrong and George W. Bush ride mountain bikes together). Armstrong's criticism of President Eisenhower’s inaction during the conflict over school desegregation in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957 made national news. As a protest, Armstrong canceled a planned tour of the Soviet Union on behalf of the State Department. He was all like, “Nuh uh, Dwight.” And all like “Oh No You Didn’t, State Department!”

Dude had principles.

“A Kriss to Build a Dream On”

Louis knew that lookin’ good doesn’t just happen by itself. (Unless you are me.) Armstrong made frequent use of laxatives as a means of controlling his weight, his preference being the herbal remedy Swiss Kriss. He advocated this practice in diet plans he published under the title Lose Weight the Satchmo Way. His slogan was "Satch says, 'Leave it all behind ya!”

Hilarious, and a pioneer in the field of colon cancer prevention. What else can you ask for?

(Please let it be noted that John and Lisa are the exact opposite of these things√† Lisa is un-hilarious, and John doesn’t even have a gall bladder.)

Verdict

Great musician, great man, took big poops to keep slim. Verdict: Hero.

Case Against Lance

Alright Lisa, given your propensity for falling in love with in-shape white guys, it was obvious that you would be defending Lance, the lamest of these three Armstrongs. Let me show you how Lance is actually a Zero parading around as a hero…

Ways Lance Armstrong is Actually a Zero Parading Around As a Hero

Lance Armstrong is not a hero. Here is why.

He Probably Cheated

If there is one thing that this last decade has taught us, it is that everyone and their mom was on steroids at one point. Shoot, I’m on them right now. For your average Irish-Catholic law student who does weekend stints as an underwear model, steroids are fine. Tough on the ol’ undercarriage, but get a few well-placed grapes or ping-pong balls, and steroids are just fiiine.

But I’m not a world-class athlete. There are rules against these things, rules that keep pretty much everyone on the same physical level and ability to compete.

Dude won 7 Tour de Frances in a row. The Tour de France, the hardest/most competitive race in the sport of cycling…and Lance won 7 in a row…after beating cancer…when Floyd Landis couldn’t win one without PED’s…and he won 7 in a row. I have never won 7 of anything in a row.

I’m skeptical. I don’t want to make any crazy or insulting statements, but Lance Armstrong is (probably) the dirtiest cheater in the history of dirty cheaters.

Texan By Birth, Douchebag by Choice

Don’t get me wrong, I bleed whiskey just like the rest of my fellow Texans, but there are certain things I dislike about my home state. Lance Armstrong is numero uno (Texan for “number 1”). In his biography, “It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life,” Lance throws his hometown under the bus because when he was in high school, people thought that bicycle racing was stupid, and thus nobody gave the sport the respect Lance thought it deserved.

Normally I don’t mind it when authors bash their hometowns; in fact, one sort of expects that great authors have conflicted relationships with the places where they grew up. There are two problems with this theory in Lance’s case.

Lance is not William Fucking Faulkner.

His hometown is MY hometown.

Plano, Texas is one hell of a city, and I will pistol-whip anyone that says any different.

Am I biased? Perhaps. But maybe because I share the view of Lance’s Planoan antagonists, which also happens to be my next point…

Bicycle racing is stupid.

Bicycle racing is stupid. What are we, 8? Play football, you fairy.

Verdict

Zero. And the color yellow is dumb.

Case Against Neil

Sabine, we get it. You were a nerdy kid, and now that you are a self-actualized 20-something hipster, it’s actually really cool that you were in to things like Space when you were 9.

Newsflash: WRONG! Space is for nerds and always will be. By definition, nerds can never be heroes, and Neil Armstrong exemplifies this.

Reasons Why Neil Armstrong is a Nerd

Here are the reasons why Neil Armstrong is a nerd…

He gives lame nicknames.

First there was “Buzz” Aldrin, and then there was “Rocket Man” John Glen. Oh, and let’s NOT forget “Ride Sally Ride” Sally Ride, “Movie Guy” Tom Hanks, and “Apollo Ohno.” The list goes on and on. So nerdy.

We are still waiting on those aliens.

It is a known fact that the reason we even went to the moon in the first place was to make contact with alien life forms. No thanks to Neil Armstrong, we never found them. What is the hold up, Neil? Did you forget to bring up the space fruit basket as a moon-warming gift? Did you leave a thank you note for the moon rocks you harvested? Did you forget your space manners at Astronaut training? God, whatever happened to propriety? If we don’t find any chewbaccas in the next 10 years, we have only Neil Armstrong to blame.

Nerdy first name.

Neil is among the nerdiest names around. My youngest brother is named Neil, and he used to wear suspenders. Viz a Viz, Er Go, and such and such. I think I’ve cemented my point.

Verdict

Nerd Alert!!

Conclusion

That about wraps it up for me. John, Lisa, I look forward to reading your points, and secretly plotting my revenge in the blogosphere.

As for you, General Public, go be heroic. And use me as a reference.