Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Colts vs Saints





How has your decade been, Lisa? I can’t wait till VH1 does “Worst Decade Ever" and its all about you. Michael Ian Black has some hilarious observations about your terrible life.

Big Sports Week- and no I am not talking about Junior Goodwill hockey final between USA and Team Iceland. (although I hear that the USA goalie is fat and the rest of team gets into madcap high jinx) Its Superbowl week and instead of debating which team will win- Its time to put to bed the age old rilvary....

Colts vs Saints!

My name is John Michael and although I have Saints to thank for my awesomley unique first and middle names there is no way Saints are better Colts. Saddle up - listen to Motown Filly- it will beHOOF you to take to this in.

So during college I dated the Horse Whisperer's step daughter. For the sake of anyomity we'll call her Krysten Swensen. During the 1.8 times I met said Whisperer he passed along to me the wisdom and spirit of these majestic creatures. Side note- turns out if you want to get something or someone to do what you want all you have to do is whisper. Thats it. I tried it on my local Mountain Dew delivery man and lets just say I am sitting pretty on top of the mountain. (was that metaphor clear? he gave me alot of Mountain Dew- thats what I'm trying to convey.)

One sun-drenched August day The Whisperer offered me his most wild filly, "Condoleeza". I cautiosly approached the irritable beast, got inches away from her left ear and whispered "Hey Horsy- dont be butthead." Her eyes flashed to mine and we stood there frozen in time- the Western Sun setting behind the cumbersome hill- but at that moment I knew she was mine. Then The Whisperer and I rode to the top of Big Horn, he offered me a Malboro Red, I declined; and as we stood looking out at the serene plains of the Equality State he turned and whispered, "Jeff, let me tell you the history of these beasts; these Colts...."

For the next 3 hours he ragailed me with the the rich history but to be honest it was hard to hear what with the whispering and all. However I did pick up on some important dates I would be remiss if I didnt pass them along.

- May 1, 1523- The Festival of Spring. Hastings the Blacksmith is given a horse as a gift then immediately looks in the horse's mouth- the town is outraged- Hastings is hanged...hung? which one is it?

- November 13 1887- Glue is invented in Ireland- horses weep. This day is henceforth known as "Gluey Sunday"

- January 4th 1902- German Car Manufactuer BMW coins the term "horse power" to describe the power of its automobile. 108 years later, the term is still used even though no one understands that frame of reference.

- August 11 1989, John James Sabine returns home from work to find his son 5 year old son, John Michael Sabine playing with a "My Little Pony". John James fixes himself a stiff drink.

With the Milky White Crescent moon guarding over the slumbering prairie, he whispered something to his charcoal stallion- she let out a booming “niegghhh” and he and her flew off. He literally flew into the sky- I never saw him again.

That night I learned that Colts are a huge part our history-Colts have helped us fight our wars and deliver our mail. Without Colts, Paul Revere would not have been able to make his midnight ride and Toby Maguire would not have been able to make a movie with Jeff Bridges. In some weird way we are more indebted to Colts than Saints. Also I bet you can name more famous horses than you can name Saints. And don’t say St Francis of Assisi- that’s a copout.

The Case Against Saints

I am waiting in line for confession as I write this- who knew that St Ida's Church has wifi but not a public restroom?

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Besides Mother Theresa, Oprah, and Lisa’s husband, Matt, can you name a modern era Saint? I get it – if you got your head chopped off in 325 AD you got to become a saint. I know what you’re thinking, Lisa “But 325 AD- wasn’t that when Constantine 1 called for the Council of Nicaea and established which Gospels to use, when Easter should be (after the first full moon following the vernal equinox- duh) as well as the Nicene Creed??” Shut up Lisa!

Do you believe in Miracles??

Becoming a Saint is harder to than getting Lisa’s attention during a “Man vs Food” marathon on the Travel Channel. Did you know that you have to have 3 miracles attributed to you in order to become a saint? That means if you bring someone back to life and walk on water- that’s not enough Miracles. But in order to increase my chances of becoming St. John the Gaunt, I am going to sit here and Rent “Miracle”, eat some Miracle Whip, while listening to “Miracles” by Jefferson Starship- that’s 3 right there. Easy Peasy Jeezy Creezy.

This Sunday when you are in between watching Viagra commercials and eating Totinos Pizza Rolls deciding who to cheer for- remember that Colts, not Saints, that helped tame this wild country- from sea to shining sea. You might even call it Peyton Manning-fest Destiny.

I hope the Saints march all over you Lisa.

Well, John we meet again. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog’s Day? This blog has made my life feel like I’m trapped in that movie. I wake up, get on Gmail, and you harass me about useless crap. What’s your favorite Nick Cage movie? What should we write about next? Take a look at this rash and tell me if you think it’s normal. Over and over and over again. WHEN WILL I WAKE UP?!

So we’re here to discuss a question that a lot of people will bet money on. Who is better – colts or saints? Let’s get this going – I have a delicious dinner in the oven…at Outback.

Get in touch with your roots, John – stop dying your hair.

Saints are so important that 98% of California cities are named after them. Where is your loyalty, John? You went to Santa Clara in San Jose…which is near Santa Cruz and San Francisco. You know – our rivals were kinda Saint Mary’s? You would think that with all of these saints around you for four of your most impressionable years you would have a little respect. St. Swig would be disappointed. And no, I’m not talking about Lester.

A Term of Endearment

Thanks darling, you’re a colt. No. That doesn’t work at all. If you call someone a saint, you’re insinuating that they’re just swell. If you call someone a colt, they would maybe think you’re calling them a pistol and they might take that as a come on. This is bound to cause confusion.

Historicalness

Saints are important. Any Catholic person can tell you that ahemJOHN. Apparently, if you’re a Saint that means you’re in heaven. Now, let’s not get too deep here, that’s not my style, but if there is a heaven, we would all like to be there. However, I doubt many of my favorite TV shows play there – so maybe I’ll pass. If they have Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ll go.

The Case Against Colts

Underage

Colts can’t even get it on. They’re four or younger. They probably can’t even get big horse boners. Their voice cracks, they smell horrible, their acne is painful to look at, and they just sleep ALL the time. All the mares out there agree that they’re completely worthless.

I’m not going to pretend to know too much more about colts – only this. If a saint tried to fight a colt, the colt would probably win. BUT the saint would go to heaven and then the joke’s on that stupid colt. Chew your cud you dummy.

I hope you don’t have play practice or dance rehearsal on the Superbowl, John. That would really threaten your manhood. That, and you’re Adam Lambert CD collection. If you can, tune in to watch your poor prepubescent colts get whipped by some holy old guys.


1 comment:

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