Thursday, January 14, 2010

Football vs Soccer

Happy New Year!

I just want to clear up a rumor. Yes Lisa and I sometimes gamble with each other. And Yes Lisa has been on a hot streak as of late. And Yes I may or may not owe Lisa $46,000 dollars. But when I mailed her 3 Samurai Swords with a note that said “Choose One” – I meant it as a joke. And when I tweeted “Lisa btter step off bc she know that I gots swordz!” it was just a continuation of the original joke- a “callback” is what we call it in the biz. Plus it wasn’t that dangerous. The Swords were in their sheaths. But I accept responsibility for my actions and have already reached out to Tony Dungy for guidance.

In other news, my celebration of the first Cowboys playoff victory since I was in 6th grade was marred by Lisa and I would like to address it:

Lisa, your Romophobia is appalling. For the last time- I cant “choose” whether or I am a Tony Romo fan, I guess I’ve always been one but now I’m out with it. And for the first time, better or worse, I feel like myself- why can’t you accept that? I expected more from you, Lisa. You, Sir, are a rabid Romophobic. Which leads me to…

Football vs Soccer!

I get it Lisa, you studied abroad in college and it “totally changed your life”. You lie and tell people that Nutella is better than Peanut Butter because you think it makes you sound more cultured. You watched 2.8 soccer games in a pub and you bought one of those soccer scarves so you think you’re a fan. Well Lisa, you aren’t the Queen of England and soccer is sport for 8 year olds.

I know its easy, being from Seattle, to turn your back on America- that city is practically a principality- but remember that America is at war- remember these colors don't run- remember Beyonce had on of the best videos of all time. Football is American Lisa, don't hate America.

The Case for Football

You’re Everywhere to Me

With NFL Network, Twitter, Direct TV, Blogs, and Espn, you can consume football around the clock. It never ends. Its perfect for fans. Football is total nonstop action 24/7/365 till 2012. During the season- it can be the only form of entertainment you ingest and you can still never be satisfied. Can Soccer say that? Probably not- there are too many leagues and sexy Dutch car commercials.

Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

Fantasy Football is awesome. If it wasn’t for Fantasy Football men in their 20s and 30s would have nothing to talk about. The corporate work environment would be silent. If Fantasy Football didn’t exist men would have to talk about things like their feelings and, Sisters, we know that’ll never happen! And how come men always NEED to have the remote control- and they’re always checking their Iphones- I mean its like “Helloooooo I’m right here- can’t we have a conversation for once- is that so difficult??” Anyway- Fantasy Football is awesome.

My Bowl is Super! Thanks for asking!

Q. What is the lowest crime day every year?
A. Superbowl Sunday! (I didn’t check this it just seems right)

Using that made up fact- if we just had the Superbowl every day America would have low crime! Who doesn’t want that? Superbowl Sunday probably beats most holidays. Great food- hilarious commercials- gambling- way past their prime rockers from the 70s- unwanted nipples- it has it all!

The Case Against Soccer

Q: What’s the Hardest thing about playing Soccer?
A: Telling your dad gay rollerblade jokes.

1-0 What a Gripping Game!

Nothing really happens. Out of the whole game maybe 2 or 3 goals happen. That’s it. I’m not trying to rent Devil’s Advocate- I’m just being honest.

"Athlete’s" Foot?

Who’s the biggest soccer star in America? Landon Donovan? He looks like the not famous Lawrence brother. If he was more athletic he would’ve tried to play football or basketball but he looked around and said- whelp if all the Larry Fiztgeralds and Michael Vicks are doing football- I’ll try soccer.

I know people are going to fake excitement for the South African World Cup- Sure it might be a little more fun that District 9- But I also know everyone who reads this will be at a Super Bowl Party this year. And it will be an awesome time. Soccer is just an excuse for nations to hate each other by using a sport to mask their deeply rooted prejudice. Yeah, I said it. 2010 is all about getting real.

There is one exception to the Soccer is lame argument and its this guy

Let the record show that Kenny Cooper is the man.

Hey Lisa- if you get the Swine Flu is it just called the Flu? Go Cowboys- Get Real- 2K10.

I get it, John. You’re an American. An American that wears a Longhorns T-shirt and hat with tennis shoes in swanky London town. I get it – we all get it, you suck. Really you don’t have to point that out anymore.

Do you know who’s cooler than John? You’re right – everyone, but I was thinking of Europeans particularly. You know what Europeans do besides drink a hell of a lot? They play soccer. Ok, I know it’s not entirely correct to call it soccer, but I’m an old dog that can’t learn new vocabulary. The rest of the world is enamored with the sport, and while we try, it’s a pretty lame attempt. Not as lame of an attempt as the XFL, but that’s not on the agenda today. Why is soccer so cool you ask? Let me tell you.

David Beckham – he is incredibly attractive.

Cool Team Names

We feel some weird obligation to name our teams after animals. It’s weird. There are rare cases in which a panther or an eagle excelled in a sport. European soccer teams are usually cool sounding words that we can’t really pronounce right, but when you do try to say them it sounds like you’re really cultured. “Excuse me, kind sir did you happen to catch the final score of the Valencia Mallorca match? I do say, the calls were poppycock.”

Chanting – not the cult kind, the cool kind

What do we have? Deee-fense deee-fense. That’s about it. It seems like every soccer team has a song, a choreographed dance, a toast that they do at the local pub, hand motions, smoke signals - all that cool stuff.


I don’t know if everyone has seen Green Street Hooligans here, but it’s awesome. I like to imagine that every soccer team in Europe has a little Elijah Wood running around who is actually far more threatening than his size would indicate. Anyway, he starts fights and stuff and uses things like spiky clubs to whack the crap out of the other teams’ hooligans. I’m pretty sure that happens in real life, and that rocks.


[Insert inappropriate sexual joke about John’s stamina here]. Soccer players run for 90 minutes. American football players start – stop – start – stop, and if you’re one of those fat guys who just stands there like a fat guy that no one can get around, you don’t even really have to run. Where, I ask you is the athleticism there? And if you’re really lucky, you can be a kicker who just goes out once in awhile, but still can’t seem to find a matching pair of shoes. Get it together, man.

The case against American Football


In what other sport does a grown man who “swears he likes women” place his hands directly under the junk of another man? Nope, no other sports, just American football. I’ll bet Tony Romo digs that.

Convicts and crappy human beings.

I’m just going to throw it out there – professional football players tend to be douchebags. They fight dogs, they shoot their own foot, they get DUIs galore, and they can’t make decisions about retirement. Soccer players hug each other when they make goals and they don’t have uncontrollable roid rage.

I realize that there are some people who will think I’m “un-American” by saying that soccer is cooler than football, but there are a lot of American things that should probably be revaluated like Texas. Secede already – you’re dragging us down.

By the way – John doesn’t even watch football. What’s the Cowboy’s record anyway John? WRONG – it is not Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits. Idiot stick.


  1. I'm gonna say that, while soccer does not get nearly enough credit, nothing can topple the behemoth that is football. A single cheeseburger tastes great (soccer) and its awesome, but a double cheeseburger (football) is orgasmic.

    Plus, it's way too difficult to follow Euro professional soccer. They have leagues and then the leagues combine, and then a tie counts as a win on the road. Blah.

    Plus, all the faking in soccer.

    Either way, I'm pumped for both the World Cup and the Super Bowl.

  2. I know I should be the last person to say anything bad about football, but soccer stadiums actually cage the opposing fans in their own section and use tear gas when they get rowdy. Badass.

  3. You guys make me laugh-out-loud. People at work think I'm crazy :) sitting here laughing at my computer.