Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Day Vs. Night

I don’t really know why John is arguing that night is better than day. John has been convicted of all of his major crimes at night. He flashed a group of nuns at night, dined and ditched at Taco Bell at night, and who can forget the time he was caught selling pirated Miley Cyrus CD’s at that truck stop…at night.  Criminal record aside, John would have 5 less illegitimate children if he would just stick to the day time hours.


Other reasons why day is better than night….



Envision your favorite place to go. Well, chances are if you’re like me you’re imagining yourself in a Target buying all sorts of useless crap. But guess what? Target and 98% of all fun places are only open during the day. Even if you prefer bars to Target (which I’m guessing most of our readership does) those are even open during the day! And if someone tries to tell you that 10:30 in the morning is too early for a Jack and Coke spit in their face and I doubt they’ll say that to you again.



Ask any doctor…sun is good for you. You might tell me people get skin cancer from the sun, but 4 out of 5 doctors at University of Phoenix will disagree with you. Skin cancer was created by the sunscreen industry to boost their sales. Those tactics, as well as putting a kid’s naked butt on their bottle, all seem a little shady to me.

So, now that we all agree that the sun is good for you, think of all the fun things you can do in the sun! Wear sunglasses, go to the beach, watch a solar eclipse, build a sun dial, and burn bugs with a magnifying glass. Hey moon, can you do those things? No? That’s embarrassing…


The Case Against Night



Don’t get me started on vampires or people that like vampires (yes I’m talking to you, Twi-Hards). It’s probably the stupidest craze since Pogs, which were actually kinda cool at the time, but looking back on it, I feel like a loser, nay, a Twi-Tard, for having them.



We all know John gets into trouble at night…but so do most of the people on Cops. Sure there are a fair amount of daytime domestic disturbances, I mean, he was only trying to SHOW her that the knife was sharp. But if you watch Cops, or The Women of Broward County (which is quite entertaining…especially the woman with the Poodle hair cut) you’ll see that most of that crap goes down at night.


I don’t expect John to change his ways. After years of therapy, a life of private Catholic education, and four brief years of my friendship, he is still a criminal when the sun goes down. You people have a chance…come towards the light, or John will find you and try to sell you the newest Jonas Brothers 3D.



I just want to take this time to recognize Matt, Lisa’s husband; for going above and beyond his original “Make a Wish” commitment. He was supposed to just take Lisa to Six Flags- but he went that extra mile and married her. You are a better man than pretty much every other guy.
I am writing this from the shadows, a dark place between purgatory and the River Styx that smells like scratch off tickets and despair. The night is my home, like warm Mountain Dew on a snowy MLK Day. You hear a black cat scurrying across a moonlit fence and you might wonder about bad luck. I see the same thing and I wonder why that black cat is running from his past. What did he do? Did he leave a wife-cat and some kittens? Did his wife-cat gain some weight due to a huge litter and he just can’t look at her the same way? Does he think about his HS sweetheart and think “What-if?” He probably doesn’t. He’s a cat. But that’s the thing about the Night- She’s a powerful tempest who can make you think crazy things about a cat.
As I look out my window into the milky white Ms Pac-Man shaped moon; I am reminded how badly Lisa smells. She smells like John Lovitz on the 6th night of Hanukkah; satisfied and indifferent. The Night is far an away superior to the Day. The Night is an elusive abyss of opportunity; like a sorority girl separated from her friends on Halloween. I must hasten my typing as I notice the wick on my candle is shrinking like Costanza in a pool.
The Case for Night
Fun with a Purpose
With the Night you grab on and enjoy the ride. There is an eerie fateful narrative with the Night that does not come in the Day. You can start off the Night with your buddies at a bar- find yourself at a club dancing with a divorced 39 year old - then an alley debating The Departed with a stranger with goatee- then eating a Gyro with some Albanian Soccer players and feel like there was a sense of purpose. When you look back at your Night it feels like for some strange reason it was all meant to be.
4th Meal.
Food always tastes better after 1am. Now I have never been on Death Row but I bet if they scooted executions back and had the last meals at like 2:30am- their last meal would taste even more unbelievable. They still probably wouldn’t be cool with the execution- but it can’t hurt.
I am told that if I just mention the book or the movie Twilight, our readership will quadruple. So here you go: Twiilight Twiilight, Robert Pattinson, Twiilight. I feel dirty- I need a cigarette. A candy cigarette.
Mo Peeps
Yes I know where babies come from and we have the Night to thank for that. At Night, Mommies and Daddies pray really really hard for a baby and if Santa is in a good mood- he gives them one. Duh.
The Case Against Day
Skin Cancer
When’s the last time you had to put on Moon Block? Last time I checked my dissertation you can’t get skin cancer from the Moon. All a moon can do is A) turn you into a Werewolf thus making you better at high school basketball. And B) hit your eye not unlike a big pizza pie.
U-G-L-Y Day Aint Got No Alibi
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder mad? That dude is always happy because he doesn’t have to see all the ugly things in this world. From run down buildings to that guy on the train in jean shorts- the Day reveals all of the World’s unsightly blemishes.
My candle has burned out so I just turned on the lights. I will now find solace in the shadows- I fall asleep to the sounds of the Night- the Midnight Orchestra between the Owl’s call and the loitering of the local Meth-head. It may sound dark but this is the life I lead and dammit, I want to live. I would much rather choose the unsavory events of the Night over the monotony of the prudish Day.
I’m out like Lisa after an Indigo Girls concert.

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