Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Babies vs Old People

Here’s a question for you John. Wait, pass the computer to your friend…I used a lot of big words in this post and you’ll probably need a lot of help. Is he listening? Tell him to stop blowing spit bubbles. How about now? Ok, good. John, do people write songs about old people? No. The most common word used in music is ‘baby’ and for a good reason. They’ve got back, Britney wants to get hit by them one more time, and Mariah wants them to always be hers.

Babies have an inane ability to digest food almost the instant it is eaten, look and act drunk in the morning and people don’t accuse it of having a serious problem that should probably be looked into, and they’re really good at making grown adults act like complete idiots. Here are some other reasons why babies rule and old people drool in a really un-cute way.

Dead baby jokes:

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop ice cream and two scoops dead baby.

What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a thousand dead babies? I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.

Even in death, babies are hilarious! I may have just lost some supporters, but dead baby jokes are just like Lost. If you’re not a fan it’s because you’re mentally inferior.

Hilarious commentary:

For those of you who don’t know, I teach babies. As long as you count 6-year-olds as babies, then yes, I teach babies. I’m working on my first novel; Kids Say the Most Literal and Usually Accurate Yet Funny Things and it’s really just a running commentary of what my first graders say. Here is an excerpt:

Me: Ok, Zorgas*, time for math.

Zorgas: I can’t do math, I have bwain damage. I’m twying to tell my mind to do math, but it won’t.

Me: Well, let’s try again.

Zorgas: I have to use the westwoom, my wiener is killing me. (Zorgas glances over at Magnum* who is singing “I Like to Move It Move It”)

Me: Can you wait?

Zorgas: No, my wiener is going to fall off. (vigorously rubs private area)

*Name has been changed to protect subject’s privacy


Any of you who don’t like babies are just jealous. You’re jealous that people see their fat little thighs and big round Buddha bellies and they say “ohhhhhhhhhhcute.” When people see your cottage cheese thighs and John Goodman bellies they give you a look like they just smelled the inside of a jock strap and they shield their children’s eyes. At some point that fatness lost its cuteness…time to stop being jealous of babies and hit the Gazelle.

The Case Against Old People


Respect for your elders? No way. Not until they start showing me some respect. How many times has some old woman, who can’t even see over her steering wheel, given you a wag of the finger and tsk tsk look because you chose to go around her as she was doing 5 in a 35 speed zone? No, people were not more respectful when you were younger…it was just too long ago to remember.


I know all of you have at least one old person in your family that uses words like colored, or oriental and I know you cringe every time you hear it. But, what are you gonna do? You can’t teach an old dog new and more politically correct vocabulary. That’s what I always say.

I guess I understand why John prefers old people to babies. Babies are an excellent judge of character. They will literally crap all over you if they get the slightest hint of malice while every nice young man that old people meet gets the instant reward of being “delightful.” I prefer someone with a more discerning taste.

Goodbye John, I hope that rash is clearing up. Just kidding, no I don’t.

Hey Lisa- How's Prison? I've been meaning to send you a carton of cigarettes but I've been too busy running 5K's to fight smoking. Watch out for shivs in the pasta salad.

Alright people- its the 90's- let's talk about it! Babies or Old People?

I'll spell it out like a large print Reader's Digest; the answer is Old People! Get on the trolley and cue Paul Simon's “Still Crazy After All these Years”; I will put Baby in a corner!

The Case for Old People


If the internet has taught us anything its that Old People are notoriously generous. When is the last time a Baby sent you a card for Columbus Day? When’s the last time you knew to celebrate Columbus Day? Old People bleed altruism – Shel Silverstein wrote The Giving Tree about his Grandparents- don’t check those facts.

Old People Have Done Cooler Things than You

You ever talk to an Old Person? Probably not. But you got to try it. Every Old Person has one crazy out-of-left field story in them. A story that trumps any story you will ever have and they usually mention it very casually. “Oh you’re watching the Cubs? I love baseball- I once caught Babe Ruth’s last home run. After the game he fought me for it so we dueled outside Yankee Stadium- it was the old Yankee Stadium at the time. Anyway long story short I got a silver bullet lodged in my shoulder and President Roosevelt pardoned me and invited me and your Grandma to Easter at the Whitehouse. When's dinner?” Sure beats that “One night I couldn't miss at Beer Pong” story you have.

The Bedpan of Courage

Raise your hand if you had a grandparent who served in a war. Now feel weird if you actually raised your hand because I can’t see you- it’s the internet. People just fought in Wars back in then. Like all the time. That was a generation of badasses. I think Tom Brokaw’s “The Badass Generation” explains it perfectly. Can you imagine if our generation had to fight the Nazi’s? What am I going fight the Nazi’s with- my Theatre Degree?? Back then they didn’t have Theatre Degrees or blogs; they had Cigarettes and sweet little combs that fit in your pocket; and they were Men dammit. They were Men.

Curse these Brittle Bones

Have you ever seen an Old Person, particularly an old lady say a curse word? Its elusive and majestic like watching a Griffin give birth. And I've seen that twice. College was crazy, Man.

The Case Against Babies

More Useless than a Rosary in Seattle

Sure Babies are cute; but so are Ziggy Cartoons. Babies take and take and take. They are a black hole of love. If I was Dr. Phil I'd say I don't give advice out for free then I'd say it sounds like a Codependent relationship. And if I know anything I know that words like “codependent” are big and you should probably stay away from them.

Sure They're Cute Now...

but Babies grow- and they keep growing. One day you're burping a perfectly cute 1 year old and before you know it you monitoring some brace- faced 13 year old's text messages. Next time you see baby think about the future.

They Cry like Babies; Airplanes and Babies.

Not since Magic Johnson and talkshows has there been a worse combination. As a successful oil tycoon nothing ruins a business flight more. Luckily I keep a flask of bourbon under my Bristol hat. Seriously can we outlaw all babies from planes. Babies and girls flying to Bachelorette Parties. I am sorry your friend is getting married before you and sure you're a great girl- just give it time.

Look I just don't think we should praise anything that isn't proven. If you have the choice between a new fangled solar powered space ship or a proven American Model T – what would you choose? Babies are a wild card- they could turn out great but most likely they'll disappoint you. With Old People, you know you are going to get honest to goodness opinions on whats too flashy as well an immense distrust of computers and the government. So Raise your Ensure glasses and next time you see an Old Person lie and tell them you voted for McCain.

Phew, I just want you to know how difficult it was to not make one Viagra Joke. Point: John.

Love Always,



  1. Poor John. What kind of short straw did you draw to get old people. Babies are soft, smell good, can't talk (so can't talk back), and sooooo sweet. You came close to getting my vote when you brought up the whole war issue, but then i remembered that most likely it was old people who started the war in the first place. Babies don't start wars! This one goes 100% to Lisa :)

  2. "Not since Magic Johnson and talkshows has there been a worse combination."
    You take that back, the Magic Hour was fantastic.
    And that picture of the baby is absurd, but I can't decide if it helps or hurts Lisa's case.

  3. I've said it once and I will say it again, the baby/child is the most annoying form of human. Seriously. They can't take care of themselves, and they can't send you fifty dollar checks on your birthday. Not to mention what those fuckers do to girls' vaginas. Two words for you girls who want to have babies: episiotomy. Don't know what it means? Google it (but not at work).

  4. Listen, I work for a company that manages assisted-living facilities for the elderly. They swooped in like an angel from above and hired me from 11 months of unemployment. Now I've been at my job for a year and I get to organize shit like Old People Wii Bowling Leagues! They've got matching team shirts and everything! I LOVE OLD PEOPLE! (Shout out to Goldie Neunendorf, because a promise is a promise!)