Sunday, August 30, 2009

Raise your hand if you love a crisp, refreshing beverage on a hot day. Wow, everyone, okay. Raise your hand if you hate John. Wow, everyone? I knew I hated him, but this comes as quite the surprise to me. Nah, not really. Okay, you can put your hands down now. As for the crisp, refreshing drink, you should certainly pick Coke. Coca-cola has the variety of a Mexican tienda and the reliability of Tim Gunn.

Options Galore

Did you know that Coca-Cola has a product called Bimbo? If that isn’t enough to convince you, perhaps some of my old friends will. Squirt, Dr. Pepper, Powerade, Fanta, and who needs Mountain Dew when you have Ice Dew. Lest I forget the drink of the 90s – Tab. And all of those have a diet options for those of you trying to look good in harem pants. Oh wait…no one looks good in those. Talk about a crappy trend.


It’s not a myth (like John’s night on the town with John Stamos) it’s true!! Coca-Cola used to contain 9 milligrams of cocaine in each bottle. Then, in 1903, a bunch of party poopers decided that cocaine in your drink is “illegal.” That killed the party almost as fast as a girl talking about her study abroad experience.


Coca-Cola has been around since 1886. What else has been around that long? Petroleum jelly, contact lenses, the electric chair and Larry King were all brought to life in 1886. Of those, I would prefer a coke. Their slogan in 1886? Drink Coca-Cola. Very succinct if you ask me.

The Case Against Pepsi

Health Hazard

Pepsi products are just about as good for you as taking Tyra Banks’ advice on health and fitness. My former friend John, as you may know, loves Mountain Dew. Well, I’m really sorry to inform you of this, John, but you are slowly shrinking your beloved wedding tackle. Yellow 5 shrinks your junk…at least that’s what I heard on Tyra.

Heavy reliance on pop stars

Coke relies on its product. Pepsi knows that its product sucks, so they reel in people like Britney Spears and Diddy to try to help them out. And might I add that the new logo looks like a Pokemon ball. So now, not only do they rely on pop stars, they are also grooming young children to become consumers of their product. Isn’t grooming a form of sexual misconduct? Shame on you Pepsi…

I implore you, to open happiness on the Coke side of life just for the thrill of it. And, John, I know the name of an excellent prosthetic doctor when you’re done doing the Dew.

Who can the make you vomit with her smile? Who can take an awesome day and suddenly make you want to drown in the Nile? Well its Lisa and you should know it. With each burp and every stupid joke you show it. Lisa really smells but we all know that. You can scare a town why don't you know that. I hope you get hit by a car. I hope you get hit by a car (Lisa throws her hat in the air then immdediately gets rocked by a PT Cruiser.)

There are two types of people in the world. Thats it. No matter what gender, religion, or late night host you identify with basically every person on Earth can be identified as a Coke person or a Pepsi person. Coke- Red. Pepsi- Blue. Its not a coinsedence that they choose those colors for Republicans and Democrats. Coke people like starting wars and golfing. Pepsi people are open new ideas and have Brita filters.

The Case for Pepsi

Star Power

If we have learned anything from the Democratic National Conventions is that what celebrities think is extremely important.And Celebrities love Pepsi. From Michael Jackson to Brittney Spears. Kids like videos- so here you go kids

What would Jesus Dew?

In every Generation a son or daughter surpasses the prominence of their parent. Brett Hull roser higher than his father Bobby. Same goes for Freddie Prinze Jr, and somewhat remarkably Miley Cyrus. Mountain Dew has soared past its parent, Pepsi and its greatness has not been fully realized.

Mountain Dew is quite simply the world's most perfect drink. No one know's the exact recipe to this heavenly elixir although recent studies have shown that it contains Sabertooth Tiger Adrenaline and tears from the Aztec god Quezacotl. John Hinckly Jr. would have been successful in his assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan had Reagan not just drank an entire 2 liter of Mountain Dew just before the shooting. In 1989 an unknown Chinese man was able to stop tanks from entering Tienanmen Square after he killed a 6pack of Dew

I know there are some are some negative rumors about the effect of Mountain Dew on a person's sperm count. This is just a horrible urban myth; like semicolons or the NIT basketball tournament. Mountain Dew was introduced in 1940 and since then the World Population has ballooned to 6 billion. Myth Busted! (Immediately after typing this the Discovery Channel faxed me a lawsuit for trademark infringement)

The Case Against Coke

Say Hello to my Little Friend....cocaine. The Friend is cocaine; because it used to be in Coke.

Coca-Cola gets its name from the the two ingredients that gave it its flavor. Cocaine and Koala Nut extract. I remember when I was really into Coca-Cola. The year was 1987 and it was my first year on Wall Street. The only thing better than greed that year was the 3am Coca-Cola parties. One party in particular- it was Christmas night and I found myself in the basement of the club "Excalibur" with Joe Piscopo. He said something to me that struck a wrong chord. Long story long Joe Piscopo was declared dead that snow capped Christmas Night and if it wasn't for Michael Dukakis knowing CPR, Piscopo would've stayed dead. The next morning I hopped into my Delorean and drove to Rehab. Sandra, my future wife, ended up being my nurse. I've been off Coca-Cola for 12 years now.

I hope you guys PepSEE the clear winner- Pepsi.

I wish I had more time to write a hilariously biting insult paragraph against Lisa but I have to go run a 5k to raise money to pay Ex Simpsons writers to think of insults against Lisa.

Take a shower, Lisa, you're married.

Love Always,



  1. Let's face it:
    Pepsi > Coke
    -- BUT --
    Diet Pepsi < Diet Coke

    For me, this comes down to an argument beteen Fanta and Dew, which is quite the puzzler. I'll have to dwell on this a bit before I can honestly answer.

  2. I am normally a sideline reader of this great blog. But, as a man of integrity and a strong devotion to the truth, I cannot sit back quietly while the facts go unchecked. Lisa had mentioned that in addition to the great Coca-Cola Classic product, Coke also produced Squirt and Dr. Pepper. While these two delicious, and refreshing, drinks would undoubtedly put a "pop" in any "soda"(I have to be politically correct) manufacturer's resume, Coke's cannot claim to be the inventors of such great beverages. They are in fact both creations of the great Dr Pepper Snapple Group.

    Also, in response to teejax, I must say that I disagree with your analysis of Pepsi and Coke. I believe the correct use of the inequality signs should be as such:
    Pepsi < Coke
    -- BUT --
    Diet Pepsi > Diet Coke

    I hope I did not create any enemies in my critique today, but I have set of principles I must live by, and the sanctity of sodapop is something I will always stand up for, or until I get type II diabetes and can no longer stand up.



    Somebody is lying here. I'm going to have my fact checker get on this.

  4. Apparently Coke is living a "fanta"sy. The confusion could be that Coke and Pepsi might be licensed in other countries to distribute the delicious mix of 23 flavors; which Coke believes merits them to put the product on their website.

  5. Diet Coke < Coke < Diet Pepsi < Pepsi < Mountain Dew < Code Red. That's the break down. Pepsi wins, and Code Red REALLY wins because it's saber tooth tiger adrenaline and Quetzalqoatl tears with cherry juice. Dr Pepper doesn't factor in because it's a totally different company. The disgusting flavors of Mountain Dew that came out a couple of months ago don't count. Neither does the blue (1,000 Flushes) Pepsi from 2001/02. Or Crystal Pepsi. Those don't count because I say so, dammit.