Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Brunettes vs Blondes

Snapple Fact #129
Blondes are stupid
Snapple Fact #130
John is stupider

I do have blonde friends, but the secret is out, I hate them all. Now, I’m not a lesbian or anything, but for the sake of argument I’m going to have to pretend to be one. Now that I’m a lesbian, I feel the need to tell you how turned on I am by brunette women. Like...really turned on.

If you want to be taken seriously as a woman you need brown hair. Look at all the high-powered females in this world: Oprah, Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin (for all you conservatives…anyone?). Anyway, however you feel about those women, they would not be where they are if they were blondes. To they would be dumber for sure, and probably stripping somewhere. Oh god…I just imagined Oprah naked. Ow.
Unfortunately for blondes, the contrast between sexy and sophisticated is only something a brunette can achieve. In a word, sexy librarian. Ok, two words.

Angelina Jolie
As a temporary lesbian, I feel strange urge to be attracted to Angelina Jolie. This babe has it all. Not only is she bi, she has adopted 13 children, she has turned 2 nations around from poverty stricken to bathing in gold and eating caviar, she has been to the moon, tamed that wild beast Brad Pitt, and beat Michael Phelps in the breast stroke. All of this because she has brown hair. She is the quintessential female.

The case against blondes

Blondes have more fun? More like blondes have more herpes. Pam Anderson and any playboy bunny can tell you that the color of their hair has a direct correlation to the number of STDs they have. In fact, most STDs were brought to our beautiful country by blondes from Europe. Did you know that AIDS came to the states when Joan Rivers sailed the ocean blue in 1492? Now you know.

Do you know how many “blondes” aren’t natural blondes? The exact statistic is 98%. Using a simple random sample, I checked if the curtains match the carpet…or something like that, and I can tell you with a standard deviation of .01 that only 2% of blondes were natural. And that doesn’t count their rack.

I will leave you with this.

What do John and a blonde have in common? They are both dumb! HEYO!

Brunettely yours,


What’s up, Lisa? Still ugly and racist? I figured.

I know this is might not be a popular move but was it popular for the Dallas Cowboys to win 3 Super Bowls in 4 years? Was it popular to write the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite and send it to John Heder? (Btw the title for the screenplay is “Napoleon Dead and Loving it!”) Life is not all about being popular just ask George W. Bush – that’s right 2000 election joke. Sometimes it takes a big man to stand up for truth; and I am that big man. Lisa is not either big or a man. She is small…and a lady…a BRUNETTE lady.

Blondes are far and away superior to Brunettes and I am sorry if that offends some homely graduate school students or teen mothers. I must preface this by saying I love brunettes- I am a brunette. Brunettes fill a needed role in society; they do jobs that Blondes wont touch with a ten foot straightner (I mean someone has to be a Marine Biologist) But mathematically speaking, all things equal- if you had a choice, 100 percent of the time you would choose to be Blonde.

The Case for Blondes

The Blonde Bombshell

Americans love our hair light and our polar bears endangered. There is nothing more American than the Blonde bombshell. Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, Pamela Anderson, Kendra, Michael Bolton. These are the pin-ups that I put up in my bunker when I was playing Call Of Duty. (Just had a flashback…..we lost a lot of good Twizzlers that day..the horror.). They are every man’s fantasy. If he tells you that he prefers Brunettes over Blondes he is lying. Same rule goes for when he says he can recognize the creative merit in Project Runway or that he likes your Mother. It’s in a man’s DNA to prefer Blondes- we can’t help it. You wouldn’t punish a fox for being sneaky or an elephant for remembering something. Just look at Marilyn Monroe- she was like a hot Forrest Gump. She had relations with JFK, Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, and Robert Kennedy. That’s ridiculous. If she was a Brunette she probably would’ve been Norma Jean, lonely operator for Southwestern Bell.

Also Charles Darwin, thought Blondes had an intrinsic evolutionary advantage


There few universal laws. E=MC2, Every actions receives and equal and opposite reaction, it’s ok to creep a stranger’s pictures on Facebook, and Blondes have more fun. It’s a fundamental truth. They wake up every day knowing they won’t get a speeding ticket and that they won’t have to pay for drinks. They don’t think about wars or poverty- they are too worried about foam parties and hilarious IPhone apps. For this argument I dyed my hair blonde for a week and my facebook friends tripled and instead of taking the train to work- I surfed. I had the most fun week of life and you can read it about it in my 4000 page memoir called “Blonde Like Me”

The Case Against Brunettes


Blonde Jokes are more common than a Brunette at a Barnes & Noble. Blonde jokes are hurtful propaganda used as a vicious vehicle for the Brunette Corporate Machine. Do you ever think about the hate you are putting in the atmosphere when you tell a Blonde joke? You wouldn’t say a racist joke would you? Blonde jokes are racist towards hair color. We’ve come too far to tell these jokes. When you tell a Blonde jokes you erase all the progress we’ve made since Blonde Crow.

Look I love Brunettes- everyone needs a plan B. Its just we are predisposed to prefer Blondes- you can’t argue with Darwin. In the Olympics we go for the Gold- we don’t go for an un-vibrant brownish hue. As a man, success means never being satisfied. We must keep going for the gold until we finally reach it- until we have a soulless but well paying job with the ultimate prize, a beautiful Blonde wife with whom you share no common interests. With Liberty and Justice for all.

Love Always,


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