Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hamburgers Vs. Hot Dogs

Hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs
What kinds of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Big kids, little kids, kids who climb on rocks
fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour Dot Dogs
The dogs kids love to bite!

You hear that Lisa? Even fat kids love hot dogs- so why can’t you get on board? Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Ogdenville to North Haverbrook. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog

- 1000 B.C. The first semblance of a Hot Dog was made in Ancient China. Called “Honorable meal for an elder to eat by the reeds of the river” it was rumored to be dragon meat on a rice patty sprinkled with Opium. Soon they got rid of the meat and patty and just kept the Opium- people were fine with it.

- 1894- Hot Dogs were introduced at the Chicago Worlds Fair by Eli Whitney as a means to combat consumption. Its medical side effects were later discredited but 9 out 10 ten doctors agreed it was delicious

-1908 President Taft makes the Hot Dog the “The official food of the President” (Although to be fair he gave pretty much every food that title..fat jokes!)

-1945 Normandy Beach- General Eisenhower feeds his troops Hot Dogs because of their convenience and nutrition. After their victory Eisenhower proclaims it “Hot Dog Day” which then changed to “Dog Day” then finally it was come to known as “D-Day”
-November 3rd 1948 The Chicago Tribune accidentally prints the headline “Dewey gives Truman a Hot Dog”

- 1964 Martin Luther King gives his inspiring “Hot Dog at the top of Mountain” speech in Alabama. The next day LBJ signs the Civil Rights Act.

- 1998- The Starr Report’s Clinton/Lewinsky Hot Dog excerpt provides a year of punch lines for SNL, Letterman, and Leno.

Lisa I know you can’t read or write but the History speaks for itself. Here is some more proof of Hot Dog’s greatness

Meals on Wheels: The Weiner Mobile. The coolest car on the road- when you see it- it makes your day. Plus it runs on dreams and dreams don’t emit any carbon dioxide.

Star Power. Kobayashi is the biggest star in the world. In 2004 he made more money than Tiger Woods and Jennifer Garner combined. According to this poll I just made up he is 40 percent more recognizable than Secretary of the Interior Kenneth Salazar.

Case Against Burgers

Oversaturation. You can get a burger anywhere and very rarely is it memorable. Usually you think “I should’ve gotten the chicken sandwich.”

P.H.A.T. Did you see Super Size Me? He dies at the end- wait that’s Grizzly Man- same movie.

Leads to a life of crime. The Hamburgler was on his way to be a successful CPA in Mcdonaldland but then he had a taste for burgers and sacrificed his morals and dreams of a lake house.

Lisa once again your ignorance and stupidity amaze me. And I use that word often. I cordially invite you to Chicago- I’ll buy you an authentic hot dog, take you all the way to the top of the Sears Tower and punch you in the neck.
Love Always,

I support a woman’s right to choose. And a man for that matter. Close your eyes. You’re at a summer BBQ. Tiki torches are burning, children are laughing, Michael Jackson is playing again, and some guy wearing a cheesy apron is behind the BBQ pointing to you with his spatula asking what you’re having: burger or dog. Here is where your right to choose comes in. Obviously, you’re not a terrorist so you choose burger. Here are some reasons why you choose correctly my friend.


You thought I was about to say condoms, huh? Well, no I’m talking about the infinite possibilities of wonderful things that you can put on hamburgers. You can take the burger so many directions…I mean look at Red Robin! A whole fine-dining establishment based on the burger! I’m sure John will try to argue the same for Frankfurter, but seriously…that place is sick. What can you put on a hot dog? Ketchup and mustard. You’ll never have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you put sauerkraut on and anything else just doesn’t belong.


Does anyone try to steal hot dogs because they’re so good? No.

The Case Against Hot Dogs

Questionable Content

Here I will quote my most trusted source…wikipedia. “A hot dog is a moist sausage of soft, even texture and flavor, often made from mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry.”

I have a HUGE problem with the word moist. Also, anything moist that’s going into my mouth will not contain mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry. What the hell is that anyway? When I think of mechanically recovered meat, I think of a robot doing something horrible to a pig.

Also, some hot dogs are known to contain MSG. Do you know what MSG is? Me neither, but I know this one Chinese place I go to says NO MSG like they’re really proud of it, so my guess is MSG is bad.

The name

Wiener. Why would you want to eat a wiener? Oh I totally understand why John likes them. BURN.

Friends, clearly the burger is the better choice. We all know why John likes hot dogs…yeah I just went there. I’ll leave you with that mental picture.

Oh also...unhappy birthday john. I hope you have a worse birthday than that guy who was hiking and got pinned under a rock so he had to cut his own arm off with a rusty pocketknife...on his birthday.


  1. John, your misspellings may lead me to vote for Lisa. I can tell she at least proofreads her entries before posting them.
    Still, though, you're funnier.
    And I still don't believe that this "Lisa" even exists.

  2. Meat Slurry seams about as realistic as Brawndo, Slurm, or even a flaming moe (per simpsons reference above). Lisa, have you seen the condiments on a hot dog in chicago? I'll guess you haven't because we sure do stack 'em high and wide over here...and ketchup is a huge no-no.

    On this particular topic I will have to side with John.