Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cats vs Dogs

Cats Vs. Dogs

The Argument for Dogs

Snoop Dogg knows what’s up. In the battle of cats versus dogs it is clear that the dog would come out on top (literally, it would mount the cat). Here are some plainly obvious reasons why dogs are better than cats. I don’t expect John to understand, but I have much more faith in you people. I mean, John does have a light blue track suit…his taste is clearly beyond repair.


Ever try to get a cat to “come.” Don’t answer that if you’re a pervert. Point is, no, it won’t. A cat won’t do a thing you say. Pretend someone stabbed you in the face. Your cat would just sit there and be like “sigh…I need a nap,” whereas a dog would jump to your rescue, dial 911, and tell them that you’re bleeding profusely from your carotid artery. Good dog.


You tell a cat to fetch, it tells you to fuck off. Dogs can provide excellent entertainment in the form of walks, playing fetch, playing tug of war, being cute and chasing their tail while cats….yeah nothing entertaining about cats. Unless you like watching them lick their junk. If that’s the case (John) you’re a sick fuck.

Do you call your friend cat? No, you call your friend dawg.

Let me tell you, I’m sitting next to my dog right now and while she has never met John, she just told me he sounds like a tool. What’s that Mo? You say dogs are a great judge of character? Yes, I agree with you. Case in point, K-9 units. They smell sheisty people and they attack. Cats smell their buttholes and lick them. You decide which is more integral to a just society.

The case against cats

I think between the butthole licking, the napping 23 hours a day, and the claw marks that people with multiple cats inevitably have, I’ve made my point. Cat people are always creepy. Would you ever consider the title “cat lady” to be a compliment? No. She is the woman with 37 cats, her house smells like ammonia, the windows are rarely open and when you finally get the nerve to go peek in her window you see 74 glowing eyes around a frizzy haired crazy woman holding a shotgun. That’s what living with cats does to you.

Have a spectacularly disappointing day, John.

Love always,


I get it – this is America. Choosing dogs over cats is the easy choice. But you know what would’ve also been easy? Not dumping tea into Boston Harbor or not inventing the atomic bomb. Sometimes the easy decision might not be the right decision. Haven’t you seen Million Dollar Baby? Neither have I.

The Argument for Cats

Cats are Brilliant. Now I am only an amateur scientist but anyone worth their weight in Fancy Feast knows that cats have the superior intellect. If a dog and a cat were forced to take the SAT’s the cat would probably do a 1410 while the dog would probably get too excited and go to the bathroom on the test. Which leads to my next point- great Segway GOB

Sanitation. Cats are clean. When they are dirty they just give themselves a tongue bath- when they need to go twosies they just use the litter box. No fuss no muss. Dogs are all fuss and boatloads of muss.

Nine Lives. Cats literally have 9 lives. It’s Science.

Fierce. Cats will mess you up- just ask Roy. (And no it’s not “too soon” because I didn’t say anything about MJ) Cats are born predators. When the final showdown between cats and dogs happen in 2035 what side do you want to be on?

Independence. America declared it in 1492 and cats have it in David Spades. You really don’t even have to feed it. You buy one and it’s basically got everything under control. Meanwhile you leave a dog alone for 4.7 seconds and your copy of Contra II gets eaten.

King of the Jungle. Lions are king. Dogs aren’t even dukes. Dogs are so far from Royalty they couldn’t even order a Royale with Cheese in France.

Cats Hate Mondays.

Case Against Dogs

Dog people. How many times have you gone to someone’s house or apartment and been blitzkrieged by a dog. And the idiot owner is like “Ohhh he likes you!” or “She hardly ever does this.” No, he does not like me and yes she does that all the time- it’s a dog. Learn to train your stupid illiterate dog.

Humping. When is the last time your leg was accosted without consent by a cat? Dogs are like those creepy Lebanese guys at dance clubs. You know who what I am talking about.

Dogs are barbaric co-dependent leeches who masquerade as “Man’s best friend” when their species would most likely be exinct without humans. Humans helping dogs is the single largest Welfare program in all of history. Scholars maintain if we took the money we spend on dogs each year- we could build the worlds largest roller coaster made out of elephant tusks. Think about it. Think think about it.

Hey Lisa I hope you become a famous female boxer and that I become your old take no guff trainer and then during the biggest fight of your career you fall back and hit your head leaving you paralyzed then when you are in the hopsital you beg me to pull the plug. But I wouldnt pull the plug. I would come every day and read you your favorite books but change the endings to be funny. And you'd be so mad but you couldnt do anything bc you'd be paralyzed. I hope that happens.

Yours Forever,



  1. I think this comic strip proves which animal is better, once and for all: http://comics.com/get_fuzzy/2009-07-14

  2. Who posted the picture of that very scary looking dog? This is an absolutely impossible argument. It's like comparing apples to oranges. And, Lisa, wasn't it you that forced us to take in that cute stray -- CRANKY. WHAT WOULD SHE SAY NOW? To spare her feelings, I'm not going to read this to her.

  3. May I add that cats domesticated themselves? THEY DOMESTICATED THEMSELVES!!! That makes them smarter than Darwin and Emily Post COMBINED!