Friday, July 17, 2009

Beach vs Mountains

It’s Summer Vacation Time. Lisa will probably spend it tending to her home and husband and going to bed by 8pm. I’ll probably spend it like the swinging bachelor I am; nothing but Kick Boxing and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But where should you spend your summer vacation?

Mountains or Beach? It’s and age old question but with simple and noble answer. Only adulterers and lepers (Lisa) would choose Mountains – Beach is the clear answer. It’s so easy it probably doesn’t even need an explanation but that would make for a boring read. So let’s dress this infant.

The Case for Beach

The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People. Studies have shown that our bodies are wonderlands; and the best place to see these wonderlands is at the Beach. Adam and Eve were naked 24/7/348 and going to the beach represents a return to Paradise when God actually liked us. At the beach you can be free and confident not like the Puritanical Mountains that shame people into covering their beautiful bodies. If you had a choice where would you live; Eden or Salem Massachusetts?

Equality. Everyone can enjoy a beach. From baby Madeline to Grandpa to crazy Uncle Jerry who likes to remind you how Global Warming is a conspiracy thought up by homosexuals and Obama. It’s an equal opportunity vacation. The only people who climb mountains are middle aged white people who are in bad marriages. And there is nothing lamer than white people. EVERYONE knows that.

Spring Break. Only the best Spring Breaks happen at Beaches. MTV has never done “Spring Break Kilimanjaro” or “Sherpas Gone Wild!” Also, you’re sick- that Sherpa is someone’s daughter.

The Ocean. The Earth is 75% water. Human Beings are 75% water. Therefore using the transitive property of addition- the Ocean is in our bodies. Can you say that about Mountains? Probably not.

Treasure. Beaches are chock full of Pirates Treasure its like hanging out in a money machine. You are at the beach and you run to chase a Frisbee and trip over something sticking out of the ground- do a little digging and BOOM its Spanish Gold Coins and you got your student loans paid for. The beach is like a stimulus package, and have you heard about the economy nowadays? Lisa hasn’t.

Case Against Mountains.

Mountains are work. It’s like when some gives you a book for your Birthday. “Great, thanks for the chore.” You risk your life climbing this cold unforgiving rock and then you reach the top and say “Wow look at this view – I could’ve seen the same view for less money and less life risking in a plane or helicopter. Whelp time to go back down.” It’s a completely unnecessary experience.

Yetis. Last time I checked there were no Yetis at the beach. If a Yeti were to wonder to a beach I don’t think he would eat our bones but start a Limbo contest.

Mt Everest is overrated. It isn’t even the highest point on Earth. Watch out some knowledge is about to be dropped on your face. Mount Chimborazo is a mountain in Ecuador, and technically that’s the mountain that would be closes to the Sun. So congratulations- you climbed Everest but there is some Ecuadorian who is higher than you.

I know some granola eating Eagle Scouts might disagree with me but I’ll never see them because I don’t shop at REI. The rest of the fun loving golden members of society will be having a Luau and catching monster waves.

Lisa I know Magic Mountain is a fun ride but it’s not an actual mountain. IDIOT!

Love always


The hills are alive, and John is retarded. If there is one thing I have learned in our past argument, it's that John is always wrong. That must suck for him. Now, in the battle of where to vacation, I feel strongly that the mountains are your best bet. John will probably tell you otherwise, but hear me out.


Have you ever met one? Well, if you were to hang out in the mountains all day every day chances are you will. Last time I met a Yeti, we drank Bud Light, played Uno then watched a couple Godfather movies. He’s a really cool guy, and I think you would have a great time with him.

Snow Bunnies

Girls love being them and guys love being with them. When else can you braid you hair in pigtails, put a beanie on, layer your clothes so much so that when you eat a lot you can’t really tell? Exactly, only in the mountains would that be sexy.

Woodland Creatures

If you were a Disney Princess, they would flock to you, land on your arms and join you in a song about nature. Well, these things aren’t necessarily reserved only for Disney Princesses. Vacation in the mountains and you too may find this out.

The Case Against Beaches

  • Crabs. Any kind sucks.
  • Sand in unpleasant cracks.
  • People that shouldn’t be wearing bathing suits, are now running and walking in them. Gross.


  1. First, john, you missed a clear opportunity to use the word "dubloon." That alone should give you a loss. But then lisa said the mountains were cool cuz they let girls be fat. I cannot support that. john gets the vote.

  2. Then again, I think "lisa" is merely a literary invention of the mind of John Sabine.

  3. she IS a literary invention of the mind of sabine. she is his worst nightmare.