Friday, July 10, 2009

Full House vs Family Matters

Everywhere you look Everywhere – Lisa’s dumb- she’s really stupid and dumb

Hatfields vs McCoys. Turners vs Hooches. Family Feuds have been apart of society since the days of Dinosaur butlers. But Perhaps the most storied family feuds of our generation is the Tanners vs the Winslows.

Lisa must too be busy drinking Starbucks Coffee and Smelling Like Teen Stupid because the answer is without a doubt Full House

It’s all in a name. The series was named after the hand in the game of poker known as a full house, with Danny as the "player", his three daughters as the "three of a kind", and Uncle Jesse and Joey as the "pair". How could America not go All In on such a hilarious title?

  1. Theme Song. One of the most influential songs in the history of music. Musically its on par with Stairway, Lyrically it surpasses anything Dylan wrote. And yes I am talking about Dylan McKay. I am convinced that if they just played this song on loop 24/7 the Economy would be better. Divorce would end. And Sasquatches and Humans would join softball leagues together. Tear- it’s almost too beautiful.
  2. Breaking down Barriers. 3 men taking care of 3 girls? Eat your heart out Guttenberg. 3 men living together in San Francisco during the height of the AIDS epidemic raising a family?? Oh ABC went there. Some one should strap Carrie Prejean to a chair and force her to watch Seasons 1-3 then ask her what she thinks on Prop 8.
  3. Star Power. The Olsens are like the most powerful twins under 30 in the entire world. (Yes even more powerful than Tia and Tamera, Duross.) Sagat, Stamos, Loughlin, Courier, all went on to fame. Here’s a tip- If you are at work don’t Google what Family Matters star Jaimee Foxworth has been doing since the show unless you want to have a delightful chat with Human Resources.
  4. Stamos. Ok, I might have a very very very small bias towards John Stamos. But how can you refute such raw talent. It’s like Gregory Peck and Lawrence Olivier made a kid in a hair gel factory. He is without a doubt the most talented actor on Earth today. Russell Crowe and Tom Hanks should hand over their Oscars and beg for Stamos not to scissor kick them in the eyeballs.
  5. Catchphrases. Every Classic TV show’s got em. And FH had them in spades. “Have Mercy”, “How Rude”, “You got it Dude”, “Cut it out,” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” All brilliantly hilarious Lines. All Family Matters had was “Did I doooo that” what is this amateur hour?”

The case against Family Matters

It’s a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news about this terrible television show

For a show that has “Family” in the title they made Steve Urkel who was not even a Winslow- the Star. That’s Flagrant False Advertising. They should have named it “Crystal Pepsi Presents Steve Urkel’s Suck Ass Boringtown.”

I ask you to remember The Rippers, Kimmy Gibler, Ranger Joe, and bad Popeye impressions. The Tanners destroy the WInslows.



First of all, John has no loyalties. He has chosen to sing the praises of a San Francisco based show, while turning a blind eye to his own town, Chicago. I think this may come back to bite you, John. Chicago could be hurt by this and maybe a piano will fall on your head…all I’m saying is maybe you deserved it.

Now, Family Matters is a much more culturally relevant and far more entertaining show. I will tell you why.

Longevity – Family Matters ran for 11 years and was the second longest running sitcom with African American characters. Also, the highlight of my adolescence (TGIF) was punctuated by this brilliant show. While Full House may have barely held on to a TGIF spot it was never a reason that I thanked god it was Friday. Never.

Equality – Television is a reflection of our society. I ask you, what message does it send if we don’t accurately reflect the diversity of our community? Enter Family Matters. People who had never seen a black person now had a chance to see a strong, fit African American man (Carl) in an authority position (police officer). They had a chance to see an outspoken, witty, woman with fantastic hair (Harriette), and her intellectual daughter who made the neighbor boy swoon (Laura). Eddie kinda enforced negative stereotypes, so I’ll ignore him. Can you say one giant step for mankind? I’m not trying to say racism is dead, but it’s certainly fatally wounded thanks to Family Matters.

Heroism – There was one instance Full House and Family Matters met. Let me tell you about it. Stephanie was all freakin out because she needed glasses (get over it you baby). Urkel, the philanthropist that he is, decided to take this wounded little bird under his big black bony wing. Eventually he helped her get over her anxieties. Full House NEEDED Family Matters. Without Urkel, Stephanie probably would have killer herself. Add that to a light-hearted sitcom and you have a disaster on your hands my friend.

Urkel – Not only did Urkel sport suspenders and thick-rimmed glasses, he also sported self-confidence and poise. It took Laura some time, but eventually she came around and saw the light. Man, was she lucky! What are the odds that the nerd that loved her so dearly would create a machine that turned him into the hottest thing since Kristin peed on her jumpsuit at Bay to Breakers. That was hot.

Three guys in a house, brothers or not, are clearly hiding something. I hate to think what happens when the lights go out in that house. Michelle ends up anorexic, DJ experimented with drugs, and Stephanie ended up crazy religious. That’s what being raised by 3 men does to you. And hasn’t that been done already? 3 men and a baby? Lame.

I hope you stub your toe, John.

Darf ich die toilette gehen,


  1. sorry sabeen, it was always Family Matters for me

  2. Found this through Hilarious stuff, especially the Stamos bit. Too bad "My Two Dads" wasn't TGIF. Paul Reiser could've whined either of those shows into oblivion.

    I'll definitely be back to read more. Keep it up!

  3. Sorry Porthole-John's got this one in the bag. I mean I kind of feel bad that you had to argue for Family Matters since we all know Full House is the higher quality show, but John culture dropped like it was his job. Guttenberg? Or maybe I'm just mad because you are exposing my portapotty stuggles.