Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Who's a better catch - Zach or Slater?

Who’s a better catch – Zach or Slater? Is that even a question? It seems like one of those SAT questions that is painfully obvious like “Who was the first president” and the choices are Justin Timberlake, Elizabeth Taylor, or George Washington. You know what I’m saying?

Let me get to the issue at hand. John seems to think that Zach would be a better catch. False. Here are some reasons why Slater is the dreamiest dreamboat on that awesome 90’s coming of age tv show – Saved by the Bell.

  • One word – Wrestler. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but wrestlers are very flexible. There is nothing sexier than a man who can touch his toes...naked.
  • Curly Mullet? I’m sorry, do you know anyone else who looks good in a curly mullet? I didn’t think so.
  • He will call you mama. Actually, I think this would creep me out at first, but I’d probably get used to it and maybe like it.
  • He can danth!! (That’s dance, for all of you non theater and dance majors). I know his real like persona can, so I’m going with it.
  • Those DIMPLES. Oy vey, I’m shmutzin up a storm just thinking about them.

The case against Zach:

This is almost too easy. Zach is a classic case of "too big for his britches." He thinks he's the shit, while he is, in fact, not "the shit." Frankly he displays the same intellect as a brain dead crustacean. I mean, he talks to a camera. Cameras can't hear you, nor can they talk back. I'm not a doctor, but I would say he's got some dissociative identity disorder going on.

I hope you paper cut yourself today, John.



First of all I want to state for the record that Lisa is dumber than a Canadian on Boxing Day. The answer is overwhelmingly Zack. If you know me you know that I am a devout heterosexual but I will use my Stansbury intelligence to prove that Zack Morris is the much better catch.

1. Charisma. Zack Morris makes it rain Charisma like NBA players make it rain child support checks. Here is but a small sample of the heights his charisma has carried him.
a. Lead singer of the band Zak Attack. Their fist album went Gold with Zack at the helm. Plus it wasn’t called Slater Attack
b. The voice of Bayside Radio- Wolfman Zack single handily resurrects Baysides radio station.
c. Manages the The Hot Sundaes
d. member of the Student Council.

2. Intelligence. Zack earned a 1502 on the SAT and was accepted into Yale. Slater was accepted to the University of Iowa. The University of Iowa isn’t even the Yale of Iowa.

3. Ladies. The Ladies love him just fine. Here is a list of his past love interests.
Kelly Kapowski, Stacy Carosi, Tori Scott, Penny Belding, Nicki Kapowski, Jessie Spano, Danielle Wendy, Kristy Barnes, Mindy Wallace, Laura Benton, Andrea Larson, Joanna, Lisa Turtle, J.B. Slater, Melissa, Jennifer Wade
Not bad for four years of high school

4. Trendsetter- He was the first person in recorded history to regularly use a cell phone and in fact should probably be credited for its popularity. Can you imagine life without a cell phone? Thank Zachary Morris

5. Time Cop. He could control Space and Time. Before there was Neo, there was Zack. Zack Morris possesses the unique ability to call “Timeout” thus freezing the time of the world around him while his personal time and space remain constant and in the present. Can Slater even tell time??? Boom Roasted.

The Case against Slater.

Slater is a maladjusted kid who has bounced around his whole life thus making him emotionally and mentally stunted. Since his mother was deceased he forces his girlfriend, Jessie, into a de-facto mother role by constantly referring to her as “Mama”. Creepy.

Slater is one a trick pony if you want the whole package Zack is far and away the obvious answer. Slater is the Joey Fatone to Zack’s Justin Timberlake. Slater is the Lisa to Zack’s John.

I hate you so much, Lisa.


  1. This is amazing...I can't tell you how happy I am to have a new way to waste time whilst educating myself

  2. I know this would be a good first debate. ohhhhh man...I just don't know how to call it. I think Lisa may win because she brings up a good point about the curly mullet, but mainly because she said "I’m shmutzin up a storm."

    John's right about that cell phone business though.

    I'm already dreaming up the next debate. This is better than Comm 20 Lisa (sorry John...Communications joke).

  3. The only reason Slater has any pull in this argument is because he is probably more faithful than Morris. But c'mon. It's Morris all the way.

    However, the fact that neither of you even spelled his name right (Zack, not Zach. And yes, there's a big difference) has me leaning towards a no decision here. Keep 'em coming.